3 year old struggling

[hotwater40]

Hi all, looking for opinions and perspectives as I’m feeling unsure about how to proceed here. We strongly suspect autism in our 3 year old (currently 3 and 4 months) for lots of reasons, but she currently masks it when not at home and comes across as a NT child. She currently does not qualify for an autism assessment according to HV we recently saw.

She goes to nursery for two mornings and one full day (9am-3pm) each week. On one hand, she is not coping very well because of all the demands placed on her there and when she’s home, about 70% of the time she’s really quite out of control. Needs a lot of co-regulating and attention. On the other hand, school is looming and she’s meant to be starting in sept 26, and I keep thinking that she has to get to a point where she can cope with 5 full days out of the house by next summer, really. But I can’t see this happening. I could be totally wrong and a huge leap could come but my instincts are that this will be really hard.

Does anyone have any experience of this sort of thing? the options as I see it are to delay the school start to ‘27, or reducing/increasing nursery hours, or talking to the nursery (but I don’t even know what about, as she’s a model child there)? Help and advice appreciated

She's 3, so of course she needs a lot of attention.

Why jump to a diagnosis??

The word ‘attention’ there meant 1-1 attention, for hours in a row, for her to be calm. Especially on a bad day. Do you have any experience of caring for a child like this?

@hotwater40 I am sure there are many who will say she is too young and don't rush to diagnosis.
I would say - trust your gut instincts. You know your child better than anyone else. You aren't raising these concerns for the fun of it, this is far from an easy path. I think in your shoes I would defer school for another year and go speak to your GP about the pathway to diagnosis and the right to choose given how long waiting times are.

Lots of children simply aren't ready for school at 3 or 4 years old.

If it was my child, I would definitely reduce the nursery days (maybe just do mornings) and delay school by a year. There's no benefit to going to school younger.

I think it's really hard to give any advise on this situation, without knowing what the behaviours are that are problematic, and why/when these are displayed.

Could it be the setting by any chance? My eldest is a little older, and was the same. Got on great at childcare settings, but completely disregulated at home afterwards. We changed the setting after a break (mat leave for me, home for them) and it's so much improved. Still requires a ton of co-regulation, but no where near the same amount.

I also echo what PP have said about trusting your gut. Time will also tell, but there's no harm pushing for referrals and services to support in the meantime.

She might prefer school. Even a very play based EYFS is far more structured and engaging than the nursery day which is largely free play and often not particularly well resourced or stimulating for the older children.

parent of an autistic kid here. Child attends special school etc etc so I have a pretty broad group to draw experience from.

On the one hand I think a mother always knows.

But on the other, I am going to say very kindly OP, it does really sound like you’ve read a lot of stuff and are jumping to some conclusions? Yes, girls do tend to mask more, but the idea of ‘masking’ is around copying others’ behaviour to fit in with social expectations… three year olds don’t typically have the self awareness to be able to do this.

What is really really common at this age is kids - all kinds of kids, not just SEN kids - is that they behave themselves in public and fall apart when they are with trusted loved ones at home. And some kids are higher needs than others. Because when you’re three and figuring out language, and social rules, and remembering colours and how to do buttons… demands are hard!!!

My non-SEN child was like this for a year or so around this age. Many of my mates with perfectly normal kids had the same. And yes, hours of what you call co-regulation and what my mates would call cuddles and love. And yes, one to one. It’s hard! But for most kids a phase.

Your daughter will change vastly in the next 12 months. Hopefully she’ll be ok next september.

I would also say of all my mates with SEN kids (many many many)… the girls were not masking at three. That started a bit older - 5/6.

Really interesting reading all your replies, thank you 😊 I feel the strong urge to ‘defend’ our suspicions of autism but to be honest I don’t really know this world very well yet. I am so aware that she’s tiny but she has been talking in full sentences since 12 months, and is now reading almost fluently (entirely self-motivated, need I say).

It was her nursery that flagged it after a very very tough 2 years at home (at the time, now 3) and said she was definitely masking but sometimes it slipped, when something unexpected happened and then she would stim to cope. 🤷🏼‍♀️ she may change as some have said or she may not, I have a feeling that this is her, whether it’s autism or not. Masking and coping. I’m really trying to work out the best course of action, so at least that’s something! Thanks again.