Is it normal to hand over the crying child to the nursery staff against her will?

[olyaro]

My 20-month-old daughter started nursery last week. We only had one 30-minute settling session, and that was in an empty room with just me, my child, and the two teachers who will be with her. It went fine because I was there with her.
The nursery doesn’t allow any more settling sessions with me. Instead, her time is meant to increase gradually from 30 minutes on her own up to a full morning (4 hours). The problem is that as soon as she sees her teacher, she becomes hysterical—crying and trying to run away. I’ve tried to calm her down and explain that it will be fun, but it doesn’t work; she’s simply afraid to go inside.
The teacher expects me to hand her over while she’s crying, which I did once, and I felt terrible about it. She ended up crying the whole session time (45 minutes)by the door, calling for me. I heard it because there's the room inside where parents can stay during the nursery time. What worries me is that the teacher doing the drop-offs didn’t really try to engage with her or distract her—just took her in while she was upset.
I should add this isn’t a mainstream nursery with lots of children and staff. There are only five children in the group, with two teachers, and we’re paying privately (they don’t accept funded hours).
Do you think it’s normal to be expected to hand a crying toddler over like this? I’m worried it will just make her protest even more and refuse to go in at all.

I refused to do this with nursery and school. If my child screamed and the staff wanted to basically prise her off me and drag her in I said no and took her home . I then explained to her repeatedly about the nice activities there and reiterated I would always come back. It took 7 months. Then we had the same with school. She needed to feel safe and comfortable there was no point traumatising her

Yes totally normal. She will probably cry while going in for weeks, maybe longer. But the transition inside nursery will get quicker and easier for her. But you won't get to see that bit! Just wave her off confidently and happily and tell her you will be back soon.

Yes, completely normal. If it wasn't normal many women would never be able to go to work. Baby will learn that you do come back and also they can have fun at nursery.

She has separation anxiety. It’s perfectly normal and in fact healthy. If you need her to go to nursery you have to get on with it. What do you expect the nursery to do?

@olyaro are you doing it so she can work or start the process of nursery

because 20 months is young mine started going 2/3 afternoons when they were 3 and 5 mornings (4 hour sessions) the year before school.

My son was the same starting pre-school. I used to give him a hug, kiss, tell him Mummy will see him later and he'd have fun. I then handed him over to his key worker and left. Yes, it was bloody hard, and around the corner out of sight, I'd bawl my eyes out. Staying around, doesn't help, it makes the situation much worse. Your child will eventually settle, it might take several months (as in my son's case). My son settled at Infant school, more or less immediately and now he's 14! The nursery has lots of experience in this situation. You need to put some faith and trust into them.

As others have said this is totally normal. Best thing you can do for your DC is appear as calm and upbeat as you can and make the transition quick.

Be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better. I remember it DS being a little upset day one and it getting worse for the first few days until he was howling and needing to be pulled off me. This is normal! Expect the first week or so to be HARD (mostly on you,!). It usually starts to turn a corner quite quickly and before you know where you are Thry are skipping in happily.

The main thing to worry about is do they settle fairly quickly after you leave? If they’re managing to make that transition from unconsolable to happily playing fairly quickly then you are heading in the right direction.

There are always a few children for whom it is much more challenging but in my experience how upset they are in the first week or so isnt indicative of how hard they will find it long term.

I had one child like this and one who settled easily. I think my anxiety didn't help the one who struggled to settle, second time round I trusted the nursery, knew she'd be fine eventually and not one tear was shed so try be positive/relaxed and keep handover quick.
I think this is an awkward age to start though, they seem to settle easily up to a year old, and then after around 2 and a half. This middle point where they're so aware you're leaving, but can't really be reasoned with and don't really play with the other toddlers is a bit more difficult.

At the end of the day, are they putting the child’s needs first

I think it's probably just little ones who get upset My ds went to a morning playgroup post 2. It was a couple of hours, no parents. At 3, he went to the school nursery, 9 - 12. Granted he was only very pt and looked after by us (or my mum and dad and pils when I was at pt work) when not at nursery, but he was born sociable and used to run in. I think it must be very difficult with babies who don't understand initially.

It is normal, the crying, for two reasons

1. It's new, she wants to be at home with you. But she will get to know the other children and settle down.

1. Peak age for separation anxiety starting. I know both of mine were fine going to nursery (at 6 months for DD and 11 months for DS) once they had settled in. And then at almost 2, they both became really unsettled again. The nursery told us to expect it, they had seen it with most children. Around that age, they said, was when the children started to understand they were being left at nursery and it upset them. Even when they had been happy and nothing had changed, same friends and staff. It's a developmental thing.

Same happened for the majority of my friends and their children.

It will pass, @olyaro but you do have to fake it to make it a bit - even if you feel a bit wobbly about leaving her, pretend she is off to have The BEST day. Even if she is crying, a quick kiss, wave and cheerful "have lots of fun!" And leave. It does get better.

My clingy little girl started nursery at 11 months about a month before I went back to work, we have no option but to use nursery as we have no family who can help us out. Handovers were always very quick, no fuss and I left as soon as she was handed over, her settling in sessions lasted a full morning and then we stretched it out gradually over the month. We always speak really positively about nursery at home and after about 6 weeks she went in absolutely fine. I was worried she would never sleep at nursery but they have managed it fine and a year down the line she is thriving! It will get better, but fuss free quick handovers worked for us

Yes it happens. DS was inconsolable at nursery at first but settled very quickly.

We kept the sessions very short like 15-30-45 minutes until he got used to it. DS had a childminder whom he loved so we were not expecting him to make so strange. My other two skipped off in there so it wasn’t an issue.

Every child is different.

It will get better! My daughter cried everyday from 9 months to 3 years, but then slowly but surely she went in with a smile and now at school she runs in! For me, it was best to put on a big smile, hand over with a cheery goodbye and leg it. I had to get to work so no alternative for us

Once they become familiar with the environment and adults caring for them they settle. Some take longer than others and the first few sessions will be the worse. We have some come in happy from day one and some take a few weeks but they all eventually enjoy themselves and have fun. We tell the parents to call in and check any time they want as handing over a sobbing child is hard but knowing they have settled is a relief for a worried parent. We also promise to call if we can’t settle them after a long time so they parent can choose to come back earlier if they want. We usually do two settle sessions but happy to do more if needed.

Awful. Honestly I wouldn't want to continue sending such an upset child. I am actually having a similar issue which came from wanting to pull my child out of a state funded nursery, not a private one like yours where they've involved Social Services and I haven't even taken her out