Is it normal to hand over the crying child to the nursery staff against her will?

[olyaro]

My 20-month-old daughter started nursery last week. We only had one 30-minute settling session, and that was in an empty room with just me, my child, and the two teachers who will be with her. It went fine because I was there with her.
The nursery doesn’t allow any more settling sessions with me. Instead, her time is meant to increase gradually from 30 minutes on her own up to a full morning (4 hours). The problem is that as soon as she sees her teacher, she becomes hysterical—crying and trying to run away. I’ve tried to calm her down and explain that it will be fun, but it doesn’t work; she’s simply afraid to go inside.
The teacher expects me to hand her over while she’s crying, which I did once, and I felt terrible about it. She ended up crying the whole session time (45 minutes)by the door, calling for me. I heard it because there's the room inside where parents can stay during the nursery time. What worries me is that the teacher doing the drop-offs didn’t really try to engage with her or distract her—just took her in while she was upset.
I should add this isn’t a mainstream nursery with lots of children and staff. There are only five children in the group, with two teachers, and we’re paying privately (they don’t accept funded hours).
Do you think it’s normal to be expected to hand a crying toddler over like this? I’m worried it will just make her protest even more and refuse to go in at all.

My son had to be peeled off me, screaming. I would go round and hide under the window where I heard him stop very quickly. 34 years later, he has not been psychologically damaged.

Both my kids always had about 4 settling in sessions, and I never went in for any of them. Very normal though for kids to be upset at drop off, usually takes a month or so to improve and then I've gone through it every time they've moved up rooms.

Yes it’s normal, my DS has been in nursery over 6 months and still gets upset at drop off sometimes. By the time I’ve left the building the staff have usually messaged to say he’s settled and then he has a great time.

Yes, sometimes you hand them over crying. But I'd expect them to be given a big cuddle and distracted by the nursery staff, not left to cry, especially as a new starter who should be getting extra attention.

When my child is upset on drop-off, the nursery staff send me a message and a photo 10 minutes later showing my DC happy and playing so I'm not starting my work day on a downer. It's one of the reasons I love our nursery.
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I think I only stayed in the room for 10mins the first time, she was settled and playing so I left. I then sat in the parent room for the remainder of the hour. She had a few sessions. She went from being in for an hour though to being there all day.

We went through periods where she was absolutely fine to then bk to crying at drop off. I swear it was to make me feel guilty because I wld stand outside the room and hear her settling down. I learned it’s def to hand them over and get out of there quickly. It doesn’t help at all for either of u, if ur hanging about. She only went one day a week though.my eldest went 2 days and she settled a lot quicker and didn’t go through periods of crying at drop off.

My mum used to run a playgroup. Without exception, she said every child settled once mum/dad disappeared. She said tge tears just stopped immediately. She was very good with kids though.

Yes normal.

they do settle. I used to wait outside in the car and I could usually hear them playing happily after about ten minutes.

Don’t really understand your post but sitting there all day doesn’t really fit in with going to work

@Motheranddaughteri already lost my job because of her not being able to attend nursery 🤷‍♀️. Long term plan is working back up to being able to drop her off somewhere so maybe one day i can work again without the kids around me (I did that for 1.5 yrs ish, was awful)

Ultimately you do just have to drop them off and go. She won’t settle while you’re there as the crying is her communicating to you that she doesn’t want you to leave. Say you stay for an hour and she stops crying, well then she’ll only start crying again when you try to leave plus she’ll be very confused about what is happening.

She needs to come to rely on the nursery staff to be her care givers. While you’re there it will be very difficult to establish that.

The poster has a child with special needs and consider how early they presented sound very complex. Not a standard experience of nursery drop off but sounds very difficult all round

It’s very normal. My youngest cried every morning on hangover for over a year lol! I literally watched through the window when they shut the door and a minute later he was smiling and happy playing. I think it became a routine that he cried but was very happy once I had gone. It will get easier x

Completely normal you need to be happy and relaxed in front of her. Pass her over and leave she will soon learn that you will come back later to get her. Most kids do this if they don't go to nursery it just delays it and will happen at school

What is your gut telling you? Is it a warm place?

She didn’t settle for 45mins and you must have heard the efforts (or not) the staff made to settle her. Its quite different from a child who cries for a couple of minutes and is then happy for the rest of the session.

We had 6 settling sessions with parents before starting. I wouldn’t have been happy with just one session for a pre-schooler.

It’s normal for her to be upset, but I’m surprised there weren’t more settling in sessions and that the member of staff doesn’t engage more with her. I’d be all jolly and saying “come on in then sweetie, why don’t we go and find some toys, I think we have the dinosaurs out this morning! Mummy will be back later and we can tell her all about it!”. Bizarre that she’s not offering comfort or engaging with her at all. The nursery I last worked in (maybe 8 years ago?) would allow parents in for up to 30 minutes to sit with their child and settle them and have a play. Not all year but certainly in the first few weeks or if a child was having a particularly tough week

Yes, my mum worked in a nursery and said the same.

That the tears stopped as soon as the parents left, the parents staying made it worse as the kids would take longer to settle.

They’ll be distracted with something as soon as you leave

@Bambamhoohooyes basically thank you. It was especially difficult because everyone thought she was “normal” (🙄) and no one else seemed to have this problem which is why I talk about it because it was very othering to be the only people dealing with it and because there was no alternative to “they will settle” we didn’t change course till we were in a really bad way.

Her nursery staff would swear up and down she was happy there but also that she was quiet, if you met DD1 you could NEVER call her quiet. They didn’t see the screaming mess that pulled her own hair out and tried to attack her parents and baby brother.

All her traits were waved away as “normal” or “age appropriate” till they crippled us. For the next two kids we knew not to assume NT and it’s MUCH better like that.

I now know many other families with similar kids, the setting DC are about to start is full of that kind of kid, run by parents with similar experiences to us.

TLDR; no they don’t all settle, if it’s dragging on and on or they are distressed at home then something needs to change, doesn’t have to be fully having them home in every case or if you fix it early enough but if you keep pushing sometimes it can get really bad and that goes for school too.

Completely normal. My first did this for months and then it started again when he started school. My second went straight in no problems. I cried most mornings in the car with my first, the mum guilt hit me hard but I would always get a text shortly after saying he was absolutely fine.

It’s normal but they should be working to settle and engage her. Not leaving her screaming for you at the door for 45 minutes. That’s not ok.

It’s completely normal. We’ve all done it, not saying it’s fun but some kids find the parting difficult but almost always settle very quickly. The settling in sessions just prolong the drama and don’t actually make much difference to the child’s emotions IME. It’s ok.

Totally normal. All the children at my nursery go through it (if not immediately then a few weeks in) and they all come out of it. Some take longer than most but they do settle. The best thing from your point of view is to hand her over and leave. Hanging around doesn’t help.

My daughter used to cry every single morning for two months. Now she runs inside without looking back. Trust the process.

This is so true.

Yeah, you’re completely right. The majority of posters said it’s fine, but their children calmed down within minutes of entering the nursery, whereas mine cried for almost the entire session. I didn’t actually hear the staff making efforts to settle her — there were two doors between us. They told me they did, but she was adamant that she didn’t want to engage in any activity. Let's how how today's session will go

Yes because many of us have to shoot straight off to work :)