Mum guilt working full time

[jupitermilana]

Could anyone share their experiences of putting their child(ren) into nursery full time? First time mum here and I’m due to go back to work in September. DD will be 1!
Throughout my maternity leave I’ve had my heart set on working part time (3 days a week) to spend more time with my DD. However I’ve now been offered a promotion that is an amazing opportunity and I really want to take it but feel guilty for putting DD into nursery 5 days a week. Will she be okay? Will I regret missing out on the time with her?

I have always worked full time and my children have been in childcare five days a week.

They have always been very happy there, I have a good relationship with the carers there, and we spend lots of quality time together at the weekends.

I am able to WFH two days a week and this allows me to do pick ups and trips to the park etc in the evening, tea together at home etc.

The only people I see criticising this model as terrible for the child and neglectful, are people who have opted to not do it and so have no experience of it, just their assumptions and prejudices.

I just let all comments and criticism slide over me, and won’t be made to feel guilty about something every man on earth does without a second thought.

3 kids here all of whom went to nursery 4-5 days a week. It’s very common in the EU country where I live. DH dropped a day when youngest was about 1, but I’m the main earner so have always worked full-time. The kids were perfectly happy, and are quite happy in school etc.

As the child of a Mum who had mental health issues (partly due to feeling frustrated at her life caring for us kids) I think my children benefited from having a Mum who is not just a Mum and is happy with life. They see that women can work too, and that Dads are perfectly capable of doing childcare.

You’ll still get plenty of time to spend with your daughter, don’t worry about that…

Full time work has always been a default option for parents since the invention of agriculture, I think the term "full time mother" is really a recent invention as even in 1950-1960 housewives spent most of their time doing chores/socialising rather than spending time with kids
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6345176/
So your kids will be fine as billions before them and like my own kids. For me its even silly to say anything about guilt, should be called sacrifice, as for most of us paid work is less enjoyable than spending time with your own kids ( there is another survey about this). Working mothers get up after the night of broken sleep and go to earn money to give our kids better opportunities, to pay taxes and to keep society running , so should be celebrated not made to feel guilty!

I worked full time up until my eldest was at school - I now work 30 hours a week so do pick up from school. Youngest still stays in nursery until about 7.30am to 430pm.

The mum guilt was hard to begin with but after 1 DC already being through full time 5 days a week, now I see the benefits to our situation. We make up for time missed at weekends. Neither of my children have missed out on doing things with us, we make the most of the time we have.

Working means I can afford to give my children experiences I didn't get and run a second car for myself. Part time or not working would mean no car for me so limited in what I could do anyway. I know alot of parents who work between 30 and 40 hours a week. You just make the most of the time you do have together rather than worry about the time you dont.

Here is a link to the summary of the survey about people finding childcare much more enjoyable than work:
www.corporate-rebels.com/blog/40-activities-ranked-by-happiness-work-ranks-39th-just-above-being-sick

It's a hugely personal decision. Nobody will be able to tell you whether you will regret it or not. There will be pros and cons for going full time to nursery. Its for you to weigh it all up. On here I expect you'll be told its normal and their kids thrived and you should go for it. That's the default position on mumsnet. However, my only advice is to listen to your heart! Whatever you choose I wish you well.

Everyone will tell you she'll be fine and anyone who hints she might not be, will be shouted down.

Truthfully, no-one really knows.

If she doesn't get on well in a nursery, you could try a childminder.

Good luck.

My situation is that I work 4 days so I get to spend Mondays with DS. I wouldn’t give that up for anything however people I know work full time and make it work. As others have said it’s personal decision. Is there no compromise here - take the promotion on reduced hours or compressed hours to open up a day or half a day to have with your child?

My son went to nursery full time from 6 months while I worked. The juggling act is hard. I was a teacher so got holidays off with him though. He thrived and is now 17 and doing well.

And to add OP - the bit that I’ve actually found difficult, is having any time at all for myself.

Its work, or kids - and I the ‘guilt’ is actually in attempting to do anything for myself, when I should be doing one of these things.

I went back ft with dd1 and she was absolutely fine at nursery, happy and thriving. Also with 1dc I did feel like I had plenty of time with her. Life was fairly chilled. A big motivation was to get ft maternity pay for my next pregnancy.

A different matter with dd2 as I felt more stretched and also with nursery fees and not planning any more pregnancies, I cut my hours to 3 days a week and thst worked really well. Although much harder than working ft with 1 child!

She will probably be fine, you don’t have to worry too much there.

I’ve chosen to work part time since having kids 8 years ago, for me it’s a nice balance. I’ve remained at the roughly the same level in my jobs (3 jobs) but my money has gone up a lot as different companies.

I love having two days a week off while they’re little, career stuff can wait for me and the older I’ve got the less bothered I am about my career anyway (although my increased salary helps!). It also massively helps with the half terms and holidays too. Having a now 8 year old and a toddler, I do not regret my decision at all. Full time working with kids was never for me and still isn’t.

No one can tell you yes or no in your situation. Everyone’s living circumstances are different, everyone’s work and stresses are different.
A lot of people work part time/flexible working and a lot of people work full time.
Some children thrive at nursery, others don’t.

I didn’t want my child in childcare when she was non verbal and unable to use the toilet herself. Between me and my husband we managed to make it work due to my shifts and his flexible working.
My friends etc have done it completely differently and it’s worked out good for them also!

Do you actually feel guilty? Or is it that you think you should feel guilty because it makes you feel better? Guilt implies you feel you are doing something wrong. If you genuinely feel it is wrong then don’t work full time. I suspect you don’t feel it’s wrong. I don’t think it’s wrong at all. I have always worked and children have been to child’s care, wraparound etc. I don’t feel any guilt. I’ve provided for them and I spend enough quality time with them as well.

Nothing wrong with working full time. As PPs have said, it can be tricky when it comes to AL if you do not have family support, as you will likely use all of your AL with DC whereas working part time you get some time to yourself once DC are in school. My only other consideration would be wrap around and holiday childcare once DC are in school and if you and your partner can make that work.

It’ll be fine, it’ll be a long week for her though so see if you and DH can manage some shorter days for her sometimes. It’s when DCs start school you might want to think about reducing hours, 5 days of school plus wraparound care is a lot for them as school is more intense then nursery, and after school is when a lot of children will have play dates, park trips with classmates and activities.

I chose a childminder until DC were 3 so they had a typical home environment rather than an institution environment.

It is a really personal choice OP. Are you ok with the thought of working FT and not having any time in the week beyond evenings with DD? I say this with absolutely no judgement, but rather just to ask you to consider how you will feel with this set up after so much 1:1 time with DD during mat leave.

As I said, please don’t take any of the above with any judgement. A happy mum is a good mum. But do sit with yourself for a bit and thinking about the practical and emotional impact of either choice.

I worked full time from the beginning. DD is now 14 and going on amazing school trips (Belgium and Spain next year) has guitar lessons and drama clips. All possible because I work to pay for them. I don't regret my decision at all.

I worked full time, but compressed hours which means I have an afternoon off a week which I spend with my son, but in honesty I could happily do a regular week, and it’s swings and roundabouts because it means I have less time in the evenings with him. It works for us because my husband works 7.30-3.30 and I work 9-5.30 (I get home at 6-7 depending on location) with my son’s hours being 8.30-4.30 in nursery.

For us it was important to make sure we were happy with the nursery environment- he is outdoors most of the time, it’s a small nursery without too many children and has a very stable long standing team etc. he has been there since 6months (I went back three days a week at 6months - 9months). He is so settled I don’t get a goodbye most mornings he just runs straight in to see his friends! They do wonderful things all day and he has so much more activity than I could provide him with at home. Everyone who meets him comments how brave, unphased by new situations and confident he is. He’s very good at doing tasks, following instructions and is super independent in doing tasks. We are currently potty training and he’s not yet 2!

He gets a much happier mother because I get to do a job I love and care about. We can afford nicer things (holidays etc) because we earn well. I’m mentally refreshed when I’m with him.
working 2 x full time parents is hard in its own way - we don’t have any down time and household tasks can feel overwhelming because it feels like we have 0time
between childcare, commutes, working and seeing friends and family but we don’t currently have a cleaner etc which would make life easier.

I’ve always worked full time, as the main earner, and think it’s great for the children to benefit from seeing both parents working. It also means I’m more present at the weekends, and bath/bedtime etc.

I did try utilising family one or two days a week to reduce nursery days when they were younger (I WFH so am still around), but that led to more guilt as they just seemed to end up watching tv all day! Now we have full time nursery for youngest, and 4 days after school club for eldest. It works for us and gives us more flexibility to focus on ourselves too.