Toddler upset starting nursery

[Nadcat]

My DS is 26months old. 24months developmentally as he was a prem. I’m a single SAHM and he is my only child. I am in a new area so currently have no family and friends near us to visit. His granddad will visit once a week or so but not for long as it’s mainly just to make sure we have what we need, as we live in a rural area. So I was wanting to socialise my LO. But he just seems so upset at drop offs. He has been shouting for help when I have took him there. Crawling up my neck nearly falling over my shoulder as he didn’t want me to put him down. The first day I called the nursery they said he has been upset and crying on and off so I picked him up early. The next time i took him I rang and they said he was settled. But upon asking them when I was there how long it took for him to settle they said he was crying for a straight 20 mins. Same again today, but today he was crying so much and getting so stressed as I was about to leave he was throwing up and screaming for me whilst the staff was trying to take him inside. I wanted to comfort him but the staff said that will make it harder if I stay longer. Which I agree maybe the case but leaving your baby looking at you walking away screaming for you throwing up and not been able to comfort him breaks my heart. My question is, is this normal? Or is he just not ready? Should I persevere? Or take him out? It’s honestly breaking my heart to see him in such a state.

Also my LO won’t eat at nursery. He has hypersensitivity to food. It can take an 1hr-1hr30 to feed him and that’s just weetabix and I have to spoon feed him. But with a lot of foods he will just hold it in his mouth and won’t swallow. He hasn’t been eating at nursery due to this. He has had crisps on 1 day which he is fine eating himself. But my worry is also him not eating. The nursery are aware and just word it as he doesn’t feel like eating. But he’d happily live of just milk juice yogurt and crisps if you let him even if he is hungry. I don’t know what to do for the best.

If my child was so upset they were vomiting I think I’d call it a day and try again in a few months if you don’t need it to work.

I feel the same way, I’m just worried about him socialising as it’s just me and him all day everyday. And we live in such a rural area that there’s nothing near us. I don’t want him traumatised and upset but I don’t want him delayed socially either. It’s just hard knowing what to do that is best. But I think you are right in suggesting waiting a few months.

If it's just for fun not necessity, then wait til he's 3.

Can you just do some playgroups or something?
Or maybe a childminder?

Work or no work, a child should not be forced to go somewhere they are that unhappy.

He clearly hates it OP, so take him out.
Abit of slight clinginess or low level tears which quickly stop afew minutes after drop off, normal.
The reaction your son is having is not normal and he is trying to tell you he is not ready and/or the setting is not right for him or not right full stop.
The nursery should not be pushing you to leave him like that.
Please listen to him.

I'd take him out and make an effort to socialise him myself.

If there is a nursery nearby there must be other stuff for kids...a library, a playground, a playgroup? Have a look around and find stuff to do with him.

There is a playground. It is really small but he enjoys it. We do go quite often. But there is usually no one there. Or the occasional teenagers discussing how they have been arrested by the police. They had this discussion right next to us. I have yet to see any young children go there. I have also tried taking him to soft play. But the cost for us to go there is £30 there and back not including the price for the activity it’s just not affordable for us. And that is the closet place where we can actually go where there is other children other than the nursery. They actually have a waiting list for about a year for nursery as there just isn’t anymore near here. I don’t want to leave him somewhere he is unhappy it is heartbreaking. But I’m just really worried about his social skills. We found it hard to get out the house at all for over the first year of his life as he was on oxygen which made it harder to get around. So I’m just worried he might be delayed socially but worried about him at nursery. It seems like we can’t win at the moment. I think I’m only option is to try to talk to the nursery as see if they can hold his place and try again in a few months.

I’m a cm
Dont give up on the nursery, it sounds exactly what he needs
ive had kids screaming their heads off in drop off, once they are in they are absolutely fine
it’s really important to get kid used to other settings x

And I agree about the nursery pushing me to leave him. It was heartbreaking the way he was, it goes against everything as a mother. And I don’t want him thinking when he’s upset i won’t be there for him and will just walk away.

The poor child is obviously incredibly stressed so take him out. Introduce him to other children through playgroups etc with other children. I wouldn’t be doing something that upsets him so much. I found nursery really distressing as a toddler and my mother removed me. I still remember how much I hated it.

When I say we live in a rural area, I mean the countryside. There is no play groups near us and it would be unaffordable for us to go to the nearest.

Forget nursery until at least 3. Your child needs security and attachment from you. Take the positive your child cries and kicks off when you leave them ...that is a healthy sign! He knows you will protect him...how can he know what the stranger will do. He can't read a risk assessment or know the time you'll be back to collect them.

You feel awful leaving him, he's stressed you are leaving him...you don't need any science or research on this...it is obviously not natural to be parted like this.

He has been stressed at nursery which is not good but it shows he is securely attached to you. Don't damage your bond now by continuing nursery.

Children don't need to be socialised at 2. They need a secure base with the parent. Once you have this they will have the confidence when they need to socialise.

Wherever you socialise your child will see and learn from this. You may have no child groups near by which is a shame but given you live near a nursery there must be things around where you can visit. Even sitting or going for a walk in a village or town. I found people would often come and talk to me because they love seeing a child out and about. You don't need children the same age for your child, they won't play together, they will parallel play...play at the same time but not proper and its not necessary with the same age child. An adult interaction will be just as beneficial, if needed.

Sounds like you need to be proud of the bond you have developed with your child and continue with that.

Absolute rubbish.
Kids screaming their heads off = stress. When they stop crying they've given up. And their cortisol levels will be higher even if they do not show signs of distress. You are damaging children when they are left crying. They can't regulate or rationalise why they have been left there.

Why is it important to get kids used to other settings?
The argument that it preps them for school is rubbish.

Let's say they cry and stress about it now but don't later when they start school you've achieved nothing more than if you don't go now but they cry about school later. In both scenarios they have cried about leaving at some point so you don't avoid it...you are no better off with the tears...what you have done is destroyed a child inside that when left at school they don't bother trying to reach out to their parent by crying for them.

However, If a child is securely attached pre school (not forced to nursery or a misguided cm) when they go to school they will have confidence and resilience to start school without crying and significant stress. You have no, or significantly less periods where the child is in distress.

I’d definitely wait until 3 if you can. I’m a SAHM and my eldest went a couple of mornings a week when he turned 3 so we’ve introduced it slowly and he loves it. It was definitely the right age for him and he’d have hated it at 2.

Do you drive? We’re semi in the countryside too but within a 30 min drive there’s a wide range of outdoor playgroups and things to do. Maybe worth you seeing if there is a forest school or an outdoor stay and play nearby that you can stay with him while he’s there and learning to make friends. We often did these on an adhoc basic and they’re only about £6/7 a time.

He's just not ready OP. Take him out, dont make him go if he doesn't need to. See if you can make an effort once in a while to go to a playgroup. He's only 2, wait until he's closer to 2.5-3 and try again. My little boy hated nursery at 2. At 2 and 10 months, he loved it xxx

Spot on! And it sets a president of them not feeling heard by their parents when distressed if it is minimised, ignored or the issue causing their distress is not dealt with.

The fact you have this attitude as a childminder is concerning!
The OP has clearly stated that its not just him getting abit clingy and slightly teary separating at drop off then adjusting fine once in.The issues go far beyond that.He is so distressed he is vomiting and screaming.
I think you need to be researching child neuroscience and attachment if you believe that in such circumstances 'nursery is what he needs'
And you seem very nonchalant about 'kids screaming their heads off' 🤨

That was my thought. I wouldn't leave my child with you.

Try again when he’s older xx He’s only 2, they don’t really start playing together til 3-4. Don’t put either of you through it if you don’t need to xx

Hello.
I’ve been looking for answers/reassurance I suppose but here goes…

My nearly turned 3 year old started school nursery in September, first few days he loved going in (wet pants 1st day - he is toilet trained so I thought it was just a little forgetful accident) but then he started crying/screaming and clinging on after a week, 1st time I took him home, tried again the next day he cried again but I dropped and left. This continued for about 2 weeks then he was fine going in. I was really upset myself leaving him like this because I’m his safe person, his comfort and was I breaking our trust when he’s screaming please mummy come back but it did get a little better.

This continued for a few weeks until last week, now for the last week & half he’s come out pants wet so I asked the teacher to just encourage him to go the toilet and when he finished one morning (he does 3 hours) she said “oh I heard his voice today” I didn’t know he wasn’t speaking. The wetting continued at home and this was really out of character as he’s been toilet trained early, the screaming started but now in the morning before I even got his uniform on then as we’re about to leave he would have an accident in his pants.

I cleaned and changed him and as we get to the road of the school I notice him holding his belly saying oooo and crunching over in his car seat. (This seems like ‘butterflies’ - anxiety to me). He starts crying again, I wasn’t prepared to put him into nursery and walk away so I kept him off and explained to the school. His mood picks up after an hour but keeps mentioning school and saying “no mummy”.

Ive spoke to him about nursery and there are times he says he likes it/friends but there are times he’s said no and that someone hurt him (a child pushing). I spoke to the teacher again.

The final straw was one morning, he wouldn’t eat his breakfast again but when I mentioned school he was borking! He also wet himself the day before in the morning again.
Since starting school he won’t leave my side telling me he’s scared and please don’t leave me and this has never been a big issue when I go to work his dad has them (I have an older son who has ASD) and it’s never been a problem but now it’s making my work morning abit harder as I’m trying to calm him and reassure him so I can go to work or going with family or just to their house with me he’s checking on me incase I leave him.

Ive kept him off for a few days now spoke to the headteacher and she thinks I should bring him in as it’s just separation anxiety. I understand this is probably what it is but to scream, start wetting his pants, borking, not eating in the morning, not talking in class and telling me he’s scared it’s just abit too much for me to leave my baby like that. He’s a summer baby so the youngest in there too which I find 6 months is a big age difference at that age. Also since he hasn’t been going he’s eating his breakfast, stopped borking and hasn’t had an accidents but does still tell me no school mummy.

Hes to start reception next September and I’m just not sure if he’s ready right now for nursery, am I going to make it harder for us both in September doing full days or am I doing the right thing now?

Sorry for the very long post I’m just really stressed and to add this is effecting my eldest son who doesn’t like seeing his baby brother so distressed as he struggles to regulate his emotions himself and this is like repeat of my eldest he done exactly the same.

Thank you.

@Mum921422 you should probably start a new thread about your issues with your son as you've added it to the bottom of a different thread about someone else's problems from several months ago - people won't read to the end to see your post.

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