3 year old refusing to leave house to go nursery

[RainbowsAndRain]

How do you take a stubborn toddler to nursery? My just turned 3 year old started nursery a week before half term. He refuses to leave the house and is usually kicking and screaming. Once he's there and settled he's completely fine, the teacher sends me pictures of him playing, he comes home and tells me all the things he enjoyed doing. It's just getting him out the house to go there.
He started a few days before half term and and now he's refusing to even leave the house to go.
I've tried everything and nothings working so far, can't even get him to put his shoes on. They expect me to leave him at the gate and hand him over to the teacher even if he's crying which I find really difficult myself.
I'm exhausted just trying to get him ready to get out the house, with my 3 month old crying from being in the pushchair whilst I get him ready, and without success as he just outright refuses to get ready and leave.
Finding this really hard for both of us.

I assume you are at home with your 3 month old? And he probably knows this.

My eldest went through a nursery refusal phases when I had my youngest. He had another refusal phase that coincided with big change at home.

There wasn't a magic cure...just persistence. I lengthened the getting ready routine so we were rushed. Put some rules in place around play and screens in the morning. e.g. not happening before eating breakfast and getting dresses. It took work but he eventually got back to wanting to go.

So did starting nursery coincide with new sibling?

Can you big up what he will be doing at nursery compared to time at home. Do you have 1:1 time with him at home? Is there a partner who can do nursery drop off?

I'd take a break and try again in September.

I'd keep a consistent cheerful message around 'nursery today' and have a clear signposting around getting ready.
If he won't put shoes on, just bring them with you. I would probably add an incentive to getting in the car and being co-operative - personally I was never above bribery. DD was very willing to be good for a box of raisins (later buttons but hey)
But also if he is upset to recognise that and talk it through - point out that he'll do some fun stuff at nursery while you do some boring jobs with the baby and after nursery you can do (insert nice activity here - like go to the park, watch something he likes on TV)
He probably is unhappy that you are home with the baby and he has to leave, however much he's settled when there.

Or this if you can cope with them both..

is he doing mornings or afternoons? for us switching it from afternoons to mornings was a game changer.

Don't frame it as him being "stubborn" for starters. There must be an element of anxiety or distress for him to be crying at the school gate. Transitions in themselves can be really hard for that age.

You can make him his own personalised social story about going to nursery, with his own photos. Reading this repeatedly can be reassuring.

Here's an example: raglanprimary.school/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/Starting-Nursery-Social-Story-Sept-2022-New-1.pdf

He may be enjoying the (albeit negative) attention if it's turned into a bit of a battle. Try not to nag, negotiate, explain, persuade, beg. I'm also not above bribery (once you're strapped into the buggy you can have this brioche, rather than if you do this you can have that).
Only ever ask once. Eg put your shoes on, if he doesn't, take them with you.
Are you going in the buggy or the car? I have absolutely wrested my screaming toddler into the buggy for the nursery run and it nipped it right in the bud. Stay really calm and don't get cross and try to be empathetic 'I understand you don't want to go to nursery. Mummy will pick you up later and I'm really looking forward to that' for example. Toddlers need to know where the boundaries are, and it's vital they understand that when you say something is going to happen, it happens regardless. This ultimately makes them feel safe and more secure in the long run.
No screen time in the morning, this has a negative impact on behaviour regulation.

Feel like I've tried everything. Bribing him with sweets or ice cream, got him a scooter to ride to school, given him options of getting dropped off by myself, DH or other family. His also got a cousin who he loves to play with who goes to the same nursery but he still doesn't want to go! He currently goes afternoons.
He's just a very stubborn child, very clever and doesn't have any behavioural issues otherwise, we've read books about going school, talked about feelings, basically tried everything, I just wasnt expecting this for the "threenager" phase 😭

You need to big up nursery and how many activities he will be doing and his baby sibling will just be sleeping. Tell him you wish you could go to nursery and play with all the other children. Focus on what he does there in a positive way, remember when you were playing at the sand table or whatever.

As for handing him over, do it quickly and in a matter of fact attitude. It makes it easier for staff if you do it quickly. I used to hand over Ds2 literally squirming like a cat avoiding a bath.

Same for getting him ready, matter of fact. I dressed mine before he went downstairs for breakfast. We did 5 mornings a week to get him used to getting up and going out the house every day. Ds2 was 4 months old when Ds1 started pre-school nursery.

Your son is enjoying nursery so that it a good thing, it is just the transition to nursery. He may or may not get better at it.

I'm sorry but what are all these pathetic excuses?

He's 3. Lift him out of the car, kicking and screaming if needs be, cheery bye darling and that's it. He'll have forgotten about it all in about there seconds once he sees the tonka trucks.

If you stop sending him now, he'll never go back, and starting school will be a nightmare.

He simply doesn't have a choice in the matter.

Your DH bought him sweets when he didn't want to get out of the car??

😂

So now you'll be doing that forever more: not behaving = sweets

Sorry oP, half-term seems to be different to our holidays here in Ireland so I'm not sure how many weeks he's been struggling for. I had a similar age gap and a start to montessori within a month if second baby, not ideal. We didn't have much of this bar day 2 and he just did Mon-Weds which worked really well and was more than enough at that age. But, in general, some things I've read that might help:
Don't give him to many options re people who'll bring him, scooter etc. That might be overwhelming and he'll sense your panic and his 'power'
Matchmake with the teacher-oh I can see how much X looks forward to seeing you. You two seem to have lots of fun etc
Refer to seeing him again rather than 'But you really like nursery and you played with play doh yesterday'. Instead change it to 'I will see you later and we'll go to the park' so he has a clear understanding that you're coming back and what you'll do.
Lastly, consider waiting till Sept.. you're off so why not. It's busy times but some of the loveliest, looking back.

Agree with pp that I'd just have lifted him out and brought him jn, dealing with whatever upset if need be, once he's in.

If only it was that easy as getting him in and out the car! Nursery is only a 5 minute walk away and we don't take the car or pushchair for him. I have my 3 month old in the pushchair so the only option is for him to walk there or ride his scooter which, if he isn't going to do, then how am I supposed to get him there in the first place?

We also were just a walk from montessori at that age, which is lovely. He walked or scooted as you say. I do feel he can sense you're a bit at sea with this so I think you need to be quite firm if you've decided he's to continue, and not postpone till September. Assuming of course that you're more than satisfied nursery is good etc.

@RainbowsAndRain you said previously DH could take him, maybe he does the nursery run, so you are not having to wrangle DS and baby

Swap to mornings so toddler is less tired.
DH gets toddler ready and drops off at nursery. You walk over with 3yo after session ends and pick up with scooter etc and lots of praise.

Likely playing up because wants that 1:1 time with you since obviously you have a lot of time taken up by baby, and he knows you're home alone with baby that's getting all the mummy time. So try arrange some 1:1 special things with toddler that are more positive.

This is terrible advice.

Honestly, I got down to their level, met the absolute fear that was there and worked on that. I showed photos of them there, took videos of them when they came home saying what a good time they had to show them the next morning, promised I wouldn't leave until they felt safe, did a second goodbye so child walked in on their own, went to a window where I was to wave (that helped a huge amount actually).

Teacher/psychologist background and I completely disagree with the drop and run. To me it's like a cry it out for babies. You're not helping them get past the fear and empowering them to realise they can do it themselves, you're just telling them they've no choice or autonomy in the matter which does nothing but reinforce the fear in my opinion.