EYFS guidelines around children managing adults emotions

[OpenReader]

I’m looking for some advice from childcare providers or those who work in early years settings regarding the EYFS guidelines and best practices.

My DD attends nursery, and recently she has been told, both by the staff and in general nursery discussions that her shouting and behavior are making the practitioners feel sad. In particular, she has been told that using the word “no” makes them feel sad. While I completely support the nursery in guiding her toward appropriate behavior, I’m concerned about the use of emotional language. Nursery have told us that this is recommended best practice under the EYFS and I’m shocked. I don’t feel that a young child should be made to think that expressing herself, setting boundaries, or struggling with emotions is causing emotional distress to an adult especially whom she is in the care of

Is this kind of language and approach considered appropriate within the EYFS framework? I’d really appreciate any insights from those with experience in early years education as I’m struggling to find anything in there recommending this

Thanks in advance!

How is a nursery-aged child supposed to know the difference between narcissistic manipulation into an unwanted kiss (or worse by a paedophile) and being told to put the lego back in the box, given that the adults are both using language and behaviours that centre the sad feelings of said adult to coerce the desired behaviour in the child? Children of that age don't understand nuance, and that's why framing compliance in terms of managing caregivers' feelings, in any context about any behaviour, is a safeguarding fail. All the behaviour that we have a good reason to coerce, like putting toys away, we can explain the reason for without referencing feelings.

I think a lot of grips need to be got by some posters here - I'd love to see them try and practically manage a nursery setting for 5 mins.

Your child's behaviour was poor. She disrupted the session. That's the issue here, not nitpicking over EYFS guidelines.
It sounds like your energy would be better served unpicking what's made your usually delightful child to behave unacceptably and then working to sort that problem out.

I’m sorry but that is absolute bullshite.

I get it OP, my child's nursery (not long turned 2yr old) told them 'it makes xxx sad when you don't say please or thank you'

I get they can be a demanding little sausage at times. But role model the behaviour you want, they are 2! They are still learning their manners!

I think the word sad can be used to emotionally manipulate children into behaving, and needs to be used carefully. In a nursery setting if a child destroys resources or stamps a banana into the carpet, or unkindly scribbles on another child’s picture then saying to a three year old “That’s sad” or “How sad!” or “Sad choice”
is a clear way of simply explaining that what they have done is inappropriate. We also say something is “not safe” (I use that one lots) When an adult has said “Please hang up your coat, it’s not safe to leave it on the floor because someone might fall over it and hurt themselves” and the child says “No!” and refuses to hang it up, should the adult just ignore that response while hanging up the coat for them? I would with a just turned three year old who is new to nursery, but if a four point blank refused to do so I might say I’m sad as I’d want the child to understand that type of behaviour does have an affect on other people.
We talk about emotions a lot in the nursery classroom. When children come in they self
register by putting their photo onto an emotion. Most children will choose happy, but if a child chooses sad or worried or angry we can check in with them. We say “Oh, I’m so happy you’ve tidied up so well.” which really is just as emotionally manipulating as saying “I’m sad”, so I’ll be sure to rephrase that next week!

If you can’t cope with a 4 year old saying no to you in nursery then you aye need to rethink your career choice.

Similarly (before anyone sugguests it), you should be able to cope with the unbelievably unlikely scenario of all the children in the class saying no to you. They’re 4 and yes, I do know what I’m talking about.

OP you are completely correct. She needs to behave because she needs to behave, not to because she needs to curate the staff’s emotions.

Children are responsible for their own emotions and learning how to deal with them takes time. They are not responsible for adults’ emotions and using emotional blackmail to get them to behave is selfish and lazy.

Maybe, and hear me out here, the reason we’re in so much trouble with children’s behaviour is because people don’t see to understand the basics. Treat a child with no respect and they treat those around the with no respect. Being permissive doesn’t teach the respect as does being a heavy-handed “they need a clip round the ear” authoritarian.

It absolutely isn’t bullshite.

It’s spot on and really basic child development knowledge.

Ok never mind, I just don’t agree. All entitled to our thoughts and feelings.

Because you’re making their behaviour dependent on an external motivator.

They’re not learning to behave because that’s the expectation, they’re learning to people please.

Teaching them to behave because that’s what they need to do is a much easier lesson than making them have to anticipate what someone’s emotive response to their action may be. What if that person over-reacts? By your method they would still have to alter their behaviour because they’ve been taught that other people’s reactions should temper their behaviour. You then get into the situation where the child can feel have their incredibly strong sense of unfairness triggered which they can’t express because they other person is more important. The “offender” will then get rightly angry at being vexed and probably get into trouble for expresses their emotions which the other person got respect for while they get chastised.

But sure, feel sad.

Yep, still don’t agree.

Why are people sad about coats not being hung up?? If you’re going to go around using emotions to make children do things either use the right one or examine why a coat being on the ground is making you sad. Has the meaning of sad changed or something? My cat died yesterday. That made me sad. My DC not putting their shoes away makes me angry or frustrated. I usually don’t even bother telling them that. I just remind them that they can’t watch tv etc if they haven’t put their shoes away at which point they come and put their shoes away. Is everyone giving equal weight to expressing all the negative emotions? Are the children who regularly make you so sad for doing totally normal things getting to express when they’re angry, cross, frustrated? Or are those emotions to be boxed away and not spoken about??

Glad to see you’re laughing and not being sad 😘

Now there is something I do agree with you! I’m not sad about coats.I’m annoyed or frustrated usually.
if there’s loads and loads I might even be a bit cross.
Or worried that they are all going to get dirty on the floor or someone will fall over them and hurt themselves or irritated that I will probably have to spend an unreasonable amount of time helping a child look for it at the end of the day whilst their bemused parent stands there flapping their arms and not being helpful.
and yes I do give weight to all those emotions and the child is allowed to express them too.

It’s good for children to learn that their actions have an effect on others. Otherwise they grow up to only think of themselves. Four is old enough to understand that doing something unkind or rude or disruptive makes other people sad.

If your dd is sad that she made other people sad then her emotional development is coming on nicely.

No, it's Safeguarding 101.

they’re learning to people please.

People-pleasing puts children and adults at huge risk of abuse because abusers take advantage of it.

Teaching them to behave because that’s what they need to do is a much easier lesson than making them have to anticipate what someone’s emotive response to their action may be.

This too. It's also a lesson that autistic children can actually learn and act on because we can't read emotions. Teaching children that they should do what is right, not what will please the most powerful person present, ensures that kids have integrity.

"Amy, would you like it if I spat in your face?" encourages Amy to imagine herself on the receiving end of her own behaviour.

Have posters on this thread not read The Waterbabies? "Do as you would be done by" gives a reasonable rule of thumb for a child to navigate right and wrong with.

Are the children who regularly make you so sad for doing totally normal things getting to express when they’re angry, cross, frustrated? Or are those emotions to be boxed away and not spoken about??

It's amazing how quickly my line manager is invoked to rebuke me when I express anger. Clearly, only the people in charge are allowed to express negative emotions in life and that pattern is visible in this girl's nursery.