Should nursery tell me name of biter?

[Wisher88]

DD was bitten at nursery. I understand the policy of not sharing who hits/bites to avoid awkwardness and weird parents exacting their revenge.

However I'm concerned by not knowing I'll put my foot in it or have already as we knew a couple of parents and children at nursery before starting. I have said in a group chat with one of those mums that DD has been bitten, because we tend to share all the ups and downs of life with toddlers. Now occuring to me could be their child who has bitten DD and wondering whether I should ask nursery on this basis as it could make it more awkward if I don't know?!

YABU you don't need to know anything about the child at all. If it continues all yoy need to care about is how they will safeguard your child.

If it carries on they'll get to the point they'll tell you themselves who bit them. Last year DD was constantly bitten or pinched by one particular child. It was daily i was signing incident forms. Nursery never confirmed it but DD very clearly told me as they were explaining what happened "dorothy bit me again mummy, it was dorothy ( not real name)" nursery workers did well to keep a straight face.

In our nursery all the kids know who's parents is who's. I'll never forget the time i was signing the incident form for a very bad bite that nearly broke the skin. DD ran off and saw Dorothys mum and said loudly while upset "look what Dorothy did to me!!!". The mum was very sheepish but walked away. Knowing the parents well, half the issue with their coming up 5 year old biting and harming kids was their shit attempt at parenting and their continued denial their DD was harming others. So it was nice for them to get a reality check.

Kids bite. It's normal to a point. If they're toddlers accept it happens and accept you'll never know the full story or who did it. I'd also avoid discussing it with any nursery mum. Friend or not.

Although OP's replies are a bit arsey so perhaps they are being rude in the chat.

It would be pretty awful to put it in a group chat with the parents of all the children at nursery, I think you'd have to be a pretty nasty person to do that.
It's a small group chat unrelated to nursery, just happens one mum's child joined nursery with DD.
My question is whether it would be helpful to know when there's an incident related to the child we know as of course with your friends you'll say xyz happened at nursery and I don't want to make someone feel bad for something which is common, and only of note to me because they're my child.

Only in response to rude posts making wild assumptions, so I'm not quite sure that qualifies as being arsey.

Of course they shouldn't tell you the name of the biter. If you don't want to potentially make things awkward then you don't have to talk about it or if you must talk about it then just be mindful when you are.

If your kid ever hurts another though, would you want the parent knowing it was your child? I’d be so stressed imagining they’d come up to me and confront me about it etc. So personally no, I don’t really care to know which child has hurt mine.

Once they’re a bit older it becomes very clear who the culprit is though (this policy continues through primary school) so yeah it does get awkward!
Eg either your child tells you who it was, and you’re all picking up at the exact same time so can easily see which parents are held back to be spoken to by the teacher.

That's horrific!

DD has been bitten twice, quite a big gap between. I think if it was repeated as you've described I'd be concerned too.

I'm not particularly concerned by this behaviour or the nursery, just was curious as to whether it's helpful for us to know incidents involving the children with whom we're friends so as not to put my foot in it with xyz happened to DD today (among all the other updates friends exchange). I thought my post was fairly uncontroversial and was about wanting to protect the feelings of other parents.

Yes I can imagine it becomes quite humourous. I've heard they try to keep it anonymous at school too but I can't see that being possible. And children fall out all the time.

@Wisher88 I think it was just you questioning a PP's comprehension that made me 🙄.

It was pretty awful - DS eventually told me who it was and I wasn't surprised. The particular boy had been discussed with some parents as he was often aggressive.

(Touch wood my kids haven’t hurt anyone (oldest is 10) but you can never be sure the day won’t come!)

They don't and shouldn't tell you the name of the biter or who has been bitten. My son was a biter at nursery; I worked out which child he had bitten as his mum was called for a chat, whilst I was having mine!

Leave it to the kids
They will 100% tell you!

I picked ds up once and nursery said "unfortunately he's been bitten" and the girl sitting next to him said "& it was me!"

How would nursery know who you are friends with though? Surely it's just a blanket policy. If it's just one parent in this group then either ask them or don't bring up nursery stuff around them? Or don't stress about it as as you say children do bite!

Privately I would have liked to know when my kid was bitten several times over the space of a few weeks but this was a normal reaction as a concerned mum (who is hurting my DC?). The good news is it seems to have stopped. I can understand keeping confidentiality though as it’s a common behaviour and we all have to work together as parents and support the centre, to make sure all kids know what is acceptable and non-acceptable behaviour and accept the policies that are in place.

It is hard being the parent of a kid that got bitten. I imagine the other parent would also feel awful knowing their kid is biting.

Of course they shouldn't tell you.

The only reason it would be awkward in the group chat is if you're saying horrible things about the biting child or their parents. If all you say is "X got bitten the other day, I know (it's developmentally appropriate/it happens all the time/kids will be kids) but it's still hard to hear" then even if it was one of their kids who was the biter there's no offence or awkwardness.

At our nursery, they don't tell the biter's parents who the "victim" was either, because it’s not relevant. If it’s the same children involved multiple times, they’ll tell the parents that (but not name names) because it can help with behaviour going forwards and the plans they put in place. But for a random one off bite, neither set of parents needs to know more than that the incident happened.

As the parent of a biter (with SEND) ve assured that the parent probably felt a bit shit and does continually and will forever feel guilty! But I’m also the parent of a bitee, and understood the child who bit my DC also had SEND. Luckily my DC seems to have grown out of it now, but their and our lives are a constant battle of guilt, wanting to get support and help, and feeling continuously strained amongst other things!

Late to this thread, but found it in a time of need - my son today has bitten another child and has left a horrendous mark (not broke the skin thankfully). I was informed by a phone call from school that this had happened, all over a toy my child wanted, he snatched the toy and my child was then punched in the face, to which he retaliated by biting. After school, the WhatsApp group I’m in with the parents from his class have (what I would call) basically set out a man hunt for my child as we aren’t told the other child’s names, accusing him of having mental health issues and he’s a danger to all the other children (I found out the other child’s name as I asked my son). He’s 5 years old! Im absolutely heartbroken by all this, obviously I don’t condone biting behaviour at all, we’ve spoken about biting over and over again, and he’s been punished for his wrong doing this evening (no new toy this week/no book at bed time).

From the perspective of the parent with the biter, it’s heart breaking and now I wish I had never of been invited to the WhatsApp group. I’m now also panicking over drop offs/pick ups, confrontation, and what every other parent might say about my child behind my back if they find out it was him (which I’m sure they will), when obviously all I want is for my little boy to have a good time at school. The things that have been said about my child in that group are horrible, and the way the parents have gone about it are so wrong. I did not respond to any of the messages in the WhatsApp group as they were pretty malicious from the get go.

My little boy has come home before with marks and scratches on his face, etc. but I’m aware these are 4/5year olds and these things are likely to happen! I wouldn’t dream of hunting down a child like what has happened over my child. Instead give them a bloody cuddle, make sure they are okay and move on, school should deal with the rest.

My child told me who bit him, then nursery told me that boy is an Sen child. They definitely shouldn’t have shared the other boys Sen status!

That's appalling. I think you definitely need to let the school know what's being said so they are aware.

It’s bambi, Molly mae’s child 😆😆