Do I have to give ex-DP’s details?

[MamaBear81]

Hi all.
I’ve separated from my DD’s father.
Bit of backstory - He has issues with alcohol. Lost count of how many times I’ve asked him to get help, but he refuses, saying that because he doesn’t drink every day he’s not an alcoholic. His drinking tends to happen in two week cycles. He won’t drink for a fortnight, then he will end up drunk for days at a time. Then he’ll sober up, and two weeks later it happens again.

His behaviour while drunk is unpredictable, he gets aggressive and confrontational, verbally abusive. He’s never been physically violent, but has made threats towards me while drunk, then when he sobers up he tells me I should take no notice because it was the drink talking, not him.. yet he continues to drink the drink. He got drunk in the presence of our daughter multiple times while we were together, and every time he did, I called the police to have him removed from the house. His drinking has led to the breakdown of our relationship, we have separated and now live apart.

Our DD is almost two.
He does see her regularly, but never alone, and only when sober. If he turns up to see her drunk, I turn him away. She has never been left alone with him since birth, simply because I don’t trust him to stay sober. When we were together, He always used any opportunity of me not being around to drink. So I’ve always worried that if I ever left DD in his sole care, he would drink as there was nobody around to stop him.

DD is starting nursery in 3 weeks, she will be there two days a week while I work. Her father knows which nursery it is, he came with us to visit it (he was sober).
On the registration forms, it asks for main carer one, and main carer two along with three emergency contacts.

I am obviously main carer one, our daughter resides with me. My question is, do I have to put him down as main carer 2? I feel very wary about the idea of him being on one of his benders, and trying to collect our daughter from nursery without my knowledge while he’s drunk and I’m at work. But as he does have parental responsibility I’m unsure if I’m able to not include him as an emergency contact/permission to collect.

Any feedback on this would be much appreciated.

How much use would he be in an emergency? You could give the details but make it clear that he’s only to be contacted in extreme circumstances. I tend to think though that, given the risk of people not reading a note on the system, it might be better to choose someone else.

I wouldnt. Id have my dad down instead.

They need to be aware if all persons with parental responsibility but you can (and should) explain the background and they will record this for safeguarding purposes.

They really just want someone reliable who will collect her if you are not available. We have friends down on the list for school. They just don't want to be left holding the baby at 6pm if for some reason you can't be contacted. Put whoever your back up plan would be.

If he has PR then he'll be able to collect her - even if he's not on the form they can't legally prevent her (in reality they'd call you).

However, they won't release her to a drunk person. Even if they are on the form.

You'd be better making them aware of him and aware of the situation.

My ex was on my girls' forms but with no phone number as I didn't always know his number so he was never an emergency contact

Don't put him as an emergency contact, you can't trust that he'll be capable in an emergency situation. The nursery will know he has PR if he's on the birth certificate, he doesn't need to be ICE as well. Choose someone you can trust to be capable of looking after your child in an emergency

ETA definitely make nursery aware of his habits. They won't release her to him if he appears to be under the influence but always better to be safe than sorry