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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

11 month old hates nursery

22 replies

mumto5mo · 08/01/2025 08:43

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice around my baby starting nursery. For a bit of background, she is my first baby and is exclusively BF, so we have been practically joint at the hip for the past 11 months. She is the light of my life and we have the best time together! We've been doing 3 baby groups a week for the past few months to build up to nursery and she's amazing, going straight to the toys and other babies, she barely even notices that I'm there most of the time.

This week she started nursery and it is breaking my heart. She had 3 settling in sessions previously, 1 with me and 2 without, and she hated every single one. I would phone the reception to see how she was doing and I could hear her howling from the other room... it took everything in my power not to rush in and take her home straight away. When I come to collect her I look in through the window and can see her still sobbing. She also hasn't eaten or drunk anything while she's there.

She is going to be doing 3 mornings at nursery (8 - 1). How long should I leave it like this before I look into other options? It also worries me because some days there are 21 babies in the room and they say they have 1 staff member to every 3 babies but I just don't think that's the case. They also said that she wouldn't have the same keyworker each time, which I was really hoping for.

Any reassurance would be greatly appreciated! All my other mum friends say their babies settled in really well, so I don't know how to handle this! 😥

OP posts:

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FanofLeaves · 08/01/2025 08:51

Oh no I think the key worker thing would really bother me. That’s a huge number of babies, quite unusual for most baby rooms.

I will say that nearly all babies DO settle once they get used to the routine, but what makes this more likely/takes less time is forming a bond with one particular worker, who will then possibly go on to be their key worker- it’s not unusual not to assign this from the off. But I feel like what really helps the transition is one member of staff being responsible for a new starter to start some familiarity. A well established nursery will know this, so try and ascertain what their approach is here.

Sunshineclouds11 · 08/01/2025 19:15

Such early days!

My DC is the same age and also started this week!
We've had tears and food refusal also.

She's my second so I've been through this with my first so I know the light at the end of the tunnel. It took my first a good month or two to fully settle.

It's very new for them, the room, toys, babies, adults, food, routine.
I try to think of it like starting a new job, it takes awhile to find your feet and feel comfortable really doesn't it.

We haven't got a key worker assigned as of yet, waiting to see who she bonds with the most.

I know it's hard and heartbreaking but you will know and the staff would say if it's too much.

mrsnjw · 08/01/2025 20:21

Twenty one babies all at the same time?? How big is the room?? That's a lot of babies! Childminder??

mintgreensoftlilac · 08/01/2025 20:29

Have the staff said that she's cried for the whole time that she's been there? That must be really upsetting for you if so 😞. Does she have any familiar items with her while she's there (e.g. comfort toy/blanket?). What are her favourite things that make her smile/excited no matter what? (This is usually a TV programme/song/toy of some sort!) if the staff can use this to entice her then she's more likely to come round to the whole idea. It will get easier but sounds like it's not been the most relaxing start 😢.

amamdaandmark · 08/01/2025 20:38

We had a terrible time settling my daughter into nursery. What helped us was scaling it right back and her attending three days a week but just for an hour initially and then building it up bit by bit- she needed to learn that I would come back for her! She loves it now. However, 21 babies sounds crazy to me, and the lack of caseworker- are there any alternatives that you would consider?

Brbreeze · 08/01/2025 20:42

Some settling in time is needed. But I would fully expect one dedicated key worker. And a nursery with 21 in the baby room would be a deal breaker for me, that’s far too many imo. Ours had 11 in the baby room with 4 staff.

Soonenough · 08/01/2025 20:47

Would you consider a childminder while she is so young ? Nursery maybe when she is a bit older . That does seem a high number of babies . Don't know how they can cater adequately for that many .

Acc0untant · 08/01/2025 20:48

Our baby room can have up to 18 and I think it's either a 2:1 or 3:1 ratio for workers to babies. However, although 18 babies sounds like a lot it's actually 0-24 months so half are more like little toddlers rather than babies. The room itself is huge and one half acts as a proper baby space and the other is for more mobile under 2s.

We also don't have a key worker assigned, they wait to see who the babies seem to bond with more and go from there.

It takes a while for them to settle in, I know it's heartbreaking. I remember dropping my first off and getting upset on the way into work feeling like a huge failure. By the time she was a toddler it was all a very distant memory, she wouldn't have given a shit if I was there or not.. nursery room door opened and she'd run in and start playing without so much as a backwards glance or a "bye mum."

Original poster

mumto5mo · 09/01/2025 09:23

Thanks for the responses everyone! Another drop off this morning and it was just as heartbreaking as the rest. Going to pick her up earlier today so it's not such a full on week.

@mrsnjw @Soonenough - we never really considered a childminder as everything was booking up so quickly, so we were kind of rushed into getting a space! Definitely sometime I would consider if we don't see any improvement within a month, but it sounds like everywhere is fully booked since the 9mo funding started...

Regarding the amount of babies, I do agree it seems excessive! I was hoping since our LG is very social with babies that she would love the amount of children, but now I'm starting to worry about the time she might be getting from the staff.

I just waved her goodbye and she was absolutely hysterical, then as I passed the window when walking to my car I could see the nursery worker put her down on the floor and walk away. Now I know she might have needed to log her attendance or something, but my heart shattered thinking she was just being left to cry.

It all just seems so cruel! I would give anything to be a STAHM for a few more years but it's just not possible.

OP posts:

Devilsmommy · 09/01/2025 09:27

I'd definitely look at getting a childminder instead. They can only have a certain number of babies/preschoolers so she'd definitely get more interaction from the staff. That seems like way too many babies really. Hope she's ok

Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 09:30

3 days OP! That’s nothing. Give her a chance!!!
You will likely have a different child by Easter. But they don’t ‘get it’ overnight!

NuffSaidSam · 09/01/2025 09:31

Does she need to be in nursery so you can work?

If so, I'd start looking for alternative childcare. A childminder or ideally a nanny/nanny share would be the best choice (imo).

Or even a smaller nursery. It's not good for any baby to be fighting for attention amongst 20 other babies, even the ones who don't cry.

Original poster

mumto5mo · 09/01/2025 09:33

mintgreensoftlilac · 08/01/2025 20:29

They say she's been crying on and off the whole time, but each time I've gone to collect her I've peeped in and she is just as upset as when I've left 😔

She has a teddy with her but she's not too fussed about soft toys, her only comfort is me unfortunately so it's a tough one! She does seem to quieten down with Ms Rachel on YouTube so I can ask them to try that, but I feel like I've told the nursery manager so many things about my daughter, and with so many other babies to care for I can't imagine she can remember them all!

Luckily I have a month before I start work again so hoping we will see some improvement before then 😔

OP posts:

MumonabikeE5 · 09/01/2025 09:44

Even my 4 yo had the same key worker every day for 2 years.
my 6yo had the same teacher each day
it’s a love affair even at 6.

which is my way to say your 11mo deserves- if you have the means- the same key worker everyday.

that can be in nursery. It can be a childminder. It can be a nanny. It can be you.

but your wish to have one key worker caring for your child is entirely reasonable .

try and find a place where that’s possible.
if you have the means to do it.

BahHumbug24 · 09/01/2025 09:58

It is early days - but I wonder if a smaller setting might suit her better? Both mine were EBF and both settled quickly into nursery.

Maybe a childminder or even a nanny if it's set hours?

BahHumbug24 · 09/01/2025 10:00

Saw your update - babies that age really aren't social. They start to play alongside each other at 2-2.5 I wouldn't see a busy room as a benefit tbh.

I personally don't like nursery until they're nearer 2-2.5 (and both mine HAD to go so I could work) I don't think they get any benefit beyond being cared or and supervised. That's why is so so important you are happy with the setting. When they move into the toddler room the dynamics shift and they start to build friendships and enjoy it.

BahHumbug24 · 09/01/2025 10:00

MumonabikeE5 · 09/01/2025 09:44

Even my 4 yo had the same key worker every day for 2 years.
my 6yo had the same teacher each day
it’s a love affair even at 6.

which is my way to say your 11mo deserves- if you have the means- the same key worker everyday.

that can be in nursery. It can be a childminder. It can be a nanny. It can be you.

but your wish to have one key worker caring for your child is entirely reasonable .

try and find a place where that’s possible.
if you have the means to do it.

Definitely.

littleluncheon · 09/01/2025 20:31

21 babies in a room is chaos, I would struggle to spend a day in there as an adult.

mrsnjw · 09/01/2025 20:34

How would you evacuate a building with 21 babies? Genuine question to anyone who works in a baby room with that many babies. How do the staff not tread on them?? Are they all feed at the same time? So there are 21 high chairs? How long does it all take? I just cannot comprehend looking after 21 babies. Are they all under one or two?

littleluncheon · 09/01/2025 21:13

mrsnjw · 09/01/2025 20:34

I've worked in a baby room with 15-18 (plus 5-6) adults and meal times were stressful! Yes 18 all at the same time, mostly in low chairs around a table but the youngest fed in high chairs.
I guess you don't tread on them because you just get used to being cautious.
Evacuation - grab as many as you can, other staff like the cook or administrator would be expected to help evacuate babies. We were up two flights of stairs in an old town house though!

Letskeepcalm · 03/03/2025 20:28

Op, you sound like a lovely mum.
How are you getting on now? Has she settled? 🙏

beehivettcbaby1 · 15/01/2026 19:30

Hey! EXACTLY the same boat as you, EBF 10 months (11 months on Sunday). We went for a settling in session today, I had to go for a smear test (icing on the cake) she lasted 40 mins before they called me back. She was absolutely hysterical, gagging and hyperventilating.

I’m heartbroken as well as stressed beyond belief. Sending massive hugs mama you so aren’t alone.

I have absolutely no advice other than WTF do we do? 🤣😅
Sending love xxxxx

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