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Original poster

Daughter is violent at nursery

32 replies

Fran1412 · 30/10/2024 00:05

Good evening all,

I'm posting here because I'm getting anxious and concerned about my child behaviour at the nursery. My daughter is turning 3 in 1 month and she started a new nursery in August. The nursery doesn't segregate kids so they are all together from babies to pre-schoolers and I thought it was a great idea so my daughter will learn how to be gentle and learn from those older than her. Everything seems to be fine until the past month where she keeps being involved in incidents ( biting kids and workers, pulling hair, pushing, scratching faces and even punching in the face her key worker). The nursery is unable to find what is triggering and it seems to be an erratic behaviour. Apparently out of the blue, without being provoked she will be attacking others. I know it sounds contradictory but she is very loving and likes to cuddle but she end up being aggressive afterwards so kids are scared to play with her. At home she is very sweet, never raise hands on me. She can be very impatient and will get frustrated when I say No to her. She will keep asking me the same question in loop I.e" mama cereal" despite me responding to her, she won't stop until I distract her with something or give her what she requested. She is my only child and I make sure not to spoil her and teach her good manners but she seems to be a totally different person at nursery and I don't know how to help. I feel like they are struggling with her behaviour and I'm worried she will be kicked out of nursery

OP posts:
Inauthentic · 30/10/2024 00:38

I don’t have much experience or expertise in this area, but I hope that the right people will respond to you.

My first thought is that there might be something in the nursery environment that’s triggering her behaviour. She may have some sensory sensitivities—perhaps it’s too busy, too loud, or overwhelming for her, and she reacts by acting out

GiveMeAbitOfSugar · 30/10/2024 00:42

Has she never been violent before? When with you in the park or in playgroups?

autienotnaughty · 30/10/2024 03:11

Is this her first experience of this type of environment?

How is she at the park/playgroup/friends houses?

It could be too overwhelming for her and she needs a quieter/smaller environment

hoarahloux · 30/10/2024 16:37

How's her communication generally? Is "mama cereal" a typical example of her asking for something, as opposed to "mama can I have cereal please"?

FriendsDrinkBook · 30/10/2024 16:40

I came to say the same as @Inauthentic

This is the kind of behaviour my autistic son shows when he's overstimulated. I'm not saying that she's autistic op , but she does sound overwhelmed.

Littlefish · 30/10/2024 16:45

I agree that she sounds overwhelmed.

What is her language like generally?

Getting stuck saying the same phrase over and over again doesn't sound like it's developmentally appropriate. It sounds like it could possibly be a verbal stim or safety behaviour.

I think it would be worth discussing it with your health visitor.

FriendsDrinkBook · 30/10/2024 16:49

I'd also like to add that it might be worth getting her some ear defenders to wear at nursery and other loud places.

Monster6 · 30/10/2024 16:55

Hello it can be so hard, I know. As a previous poster says, this was my son’s primary presenting symptom of autism at the same age. Very atypical so eye contact all fine, no delays, but social communication was impacted. The environment alone will not usually trigger a neurotypical 3 yr old to bite and scratch repeatedly…because they learn, they adapt and they realise that’s not desirable behaviour. An autistic child doesn’t learn in the same way. Fast forward to now and he’s a perfectly happy 11yr old with friendships and interests in mainstream. Please consider autism, even if there are no other red flags; I’ve lived through this, and I wish I had been more open to it from a younger age.

DaisyGradie · 30/10/2024 17:05

Yes, exactly like my niece who has ASD.
would hurt others, repeat the same thing. I’d expect a 3 year old also to be able to say “Mummy, can I have cereal?” Mama cereal sounds below development.

id look for a smaller quieter environment as others have suggested but in the mean time I’d get her some ear defenders and see if you can reduce her hours. It could be something as simple as that.

I would also contact GP to get her on the ASD waitlist as it’s currently at 3 years UK wide for an appointment so there’s no harm
in starting the process.

LIZS · 30/10/2024 17:10

Has her hearing been checked recently? Glue ear can cause communication and behavioural issues. Agree her speech seems basic if that is typical.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 30/10/2024 17:11

How was she at her old nursery? Or with other children that she knows (cousins, friends' children etc). If it's just at nursery, chances are it's the environment, being with so many from different ages.
She is very young still - MN love playing the autism card but chances are this is just her learning and there is nothing wrong with her that a bit of growing up won't sort out :)

Arran2024 · 30/10/2024 17:15

Discuss your concerns with nursery. They may be able to get someone to come in and observe your daughter and suggest a way forward.

liverpudcounsel · 30/10/2024 17:40

Are they dealing with her appropriately?
I ask because my daughter did this once she was 2.5, she scratched the face of another child. The carer reprimanded her straight away, sent her to a naughty step.
When I picked her up later that afternoon, she was balling in my arms, very upset, at being reprimanded. It then occurred to me she had not known it was wrong to do that until she was pulled up on it. I reassured her she would be fine if she says sorry to the other child and does not do anything like that again, she didn’t.

1AngelicFruitCake · 30/10/2024 19:11

I'm an Early Years teacher and a few things stand out
You said she repeats two words does she not speak in longer sentence? Could be she is frustrated trying to communicate
The biggest reason I see in Nursery for good behaviour at home and not at nursery is they aren't being given in to at Nursery is this possible? What happens if you say no to her and don't give in?

Original poster
Fran1412 · 30/10/2024 19:32

GiveMeAbitOfSugar · 30/10/2024 00:42

Has she never been violent before? When with you in the park or in playgroups?

At the playground, she is not really playing with other as she is mostly doing her own things( climbing and swing) which seems to be soothing her but I never saw her being violent although her first things when she see kids is wanting to put her hand in their faces . Seems to be affectionate but I tend to tell her to touch the hands instead

OP posts:
Original poster
Fran1412 · 30/10/2024 19:35

hoarahloux · 30/10/2024 16:37

How's her communication generally? Is "mama cereal" a typical example of her asking for something, as opposed to "mama can I have cereal please"?

She can put some words together but I tend to have difficulty understanding her. I speak French to her at home so she is taking longer to assimilate both languages.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fran1412 · 30/10/2024 19:37

Littlefish · 30/10/2024 16:45

I agree that she sounds overwhelmed.

What is her language like generally?

Getting stuck saying the same phrase over and over again doesn't sound like it's developmentally appropriate. It sounds like it could possibly be a verbal stim or safety behaviour.

I think it would be worth discussing it with your health visitor.

Yes I thought the same so I requested for a health Visitor to come over as there may be something I'm not seeing

OP posts:
FriendsDrinkBook · 30/10/2024 19:40

I'm glad you've contacted the hv op. Hopefully her nursery will offer support too , make sure you mention the things you've posted here. They'll help highlight what she needs.

Original poster
Fran1412 · 30/10/2024 19:41

Monster6 · 30/10/2024 16:55

Hello it can be so hard, I know. As a previous poster says, this was my son’s primary presenting symptom of autism at the same age. Very atypical so eye contact all fine, no delays, but social communication was impacted. The environment alone will not usually trigger a neurotypical 3 yr old to bite and scratch repeatedly…because they learn, they adapt and they realise that’s not desirable behaviour. An autistic child doesn’t learn in the same way. Fast forward to now and he’s a perfectly happy 11yr old with friendships and interests in mainstream. Please consider autism, even if there are no other red flags; I’ve lived through this, and I wish I had been more open to it from a younger age.

I have been browsing on internet and autism does come back in some of the behaviour she may have so I'm hoping the health visitor will be able to guide on the next step and how I can help because I definitely feel powerless

OP posts:
UnbeatenMum · 30/10/2024 19:49

DS does the repeating a phrase thing, it's called verbal perseveration. He is also diagnosed autistic.

Monster6 · 30/10/2024 19:55

Fran1412 · 30/10/2024 19:41

I have been browsing on internet and autism does come back in some of the behaviour she may have so I'm hoping the health visitor will be able to guide on the next step and how I can help because I definitely feel powerless

Show quote history

Have an open mind to it op. I’m not trying to push any agenda, I just understand completely how this feels. I found that in our case, once diagnosed and out in the open etc a lot of the frustration you feel lessens as there’s a reason. Good luck

Monster6 · 30/10/2024 19:57

Fran1412 · 30/10/2024 19:32

At the playground, she is not really playing with other as she is mostly doing her own things( climbing and swing) which seems to be soothing her but I never saw her being violent although her first things when she see kids is wanting to put her hand in their faces . Seems to be affectionate but I tend to tell her to touch the hands instead

Show quote history

Just read this op. My son did this with his hands too; it’s a way of processing information. Some kids get upset and it can be misinterpreted but I think he was trying to make sense of emotions/facial expressions that he didn’t understand

Original poster
Fran1412 · 30/10/2024 20:37

AgainandagainandagainSS · 30/10/2024 17:11

How was she at her old nursery? Or with other children that she knows (cousins, friends' children etc). If it's just at nursery, chances are it's the environment, being with so many from different ages.
She is very young still - MN love playing the autism card but chances are this is just her learning and there is nothing wrong with her that a bit of growing up won't sort out :)

Hi AgainandagainandagainSS,

At the previous nursery, she had some incidents here and there but never as much as the current nursery. With her older cousin (11) she will play and behave without issues but she tend to be picking on a lot on her other cousin who is 6 to a point where she doesn't want to play with her anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Fran1412 · 30/10/2024 20:43

liverpudcounsel · 30/10/2024 17:40

Are they dealing with her appropriately?
I ask because my daughter did this once she was 2.5, she scratched the face of another child. The carer reprimanded her straight away, sent her to a naughty step.
When I picked her up later that afternoon, she was balling in my arms, very upset, at being reprimanded. It then occurred to me she had not known it was wrong to do that until she was pulled up on it. I reassured her she would be fine if she says sorry to the other child and does not do anything like that again, she didn’t.

So the nursery do not have naughty corners, they will tell her off nicely and encourage her to be gentle. My daughter knows that when you hit, scratch or pull it does hurt but she just keep doing it without any apparent reason. She will apologise but then will do it agin straight after so not sure if she is seeking for attention or if there is something else

OP posts:
Original poster
Fran1412 · 30/10/2024 20:52

1AngelicFruitCake · 30/10/2024 19:11

I'm an Early Years teacher and a few things stand out
You said she repeats two words does she not speak in longer sentence? Could be she is frustrated trying to communicate
The biggest reason I see in Nursery for good behaviour at home and not at nursery is they aren't being given in to at Nursery is this possible? What happens if you say no to her and don't give in?

Hi 1AngelicFruitCake,

When I say No to her, she get frustrated and will insist by asking over again. When I give her snack on the way back from the nursery she will get upset when I tell her she can't have more. She will eventually calm down when I distract her by singing ABC or counting which she is good at. So she is A bit behind with her speech because I speak French to her at home so she may need time to process both languages . She sometimes doesn't want to say the full sentence. She will eventually repeat it properly after insisting for her to say it

OP posts: