toddler not allowed to say "negative" things

[petiteHBB]

Hello,

Yesterday my son (almost 3 years old) was hit by another kid at the nursery. He then went to his key teacher and told her: I don't like X (name of the child who hit him). The key teacher didn't ask why he said that, but told him not to say this because it's negative about another children and they don't encourage this. (I was told that the kid who hit him also often hits other children and the nursery is working with his parents on this).

I had a discussion with this teacher today because I don't think it's good to forbid children to express their opinions/feelings after being hurt. But the teacher said it's the general rule at the nursery and they want to create a positive atmosphere. I'm not happy with the outcome of today's discussion because I do want my child to freely express himself and ask for help from the teachers when he needs.

I'm not sure if I'm too sensitive here. Could you please let me know your opinions? Is it better to have another chat with the teachers or the manager? Thanks!

It's good to teach them not to say they 'don't like' someone. They need to know to say they don't like what they did and why they think it was wrong. They should teach that you can dislike someone's behaviour, but you don't dislike them as a person because you discuss things and try to listen and make up if there's a disagreement.

Of course they can ask for help or say someone hit them, or say they're hurt or sad or want mummy.

But it's not OK to say, "I don't like x, x isn't coming to my party, x, y and z can come to my house but x can't, x is horrible, I'm not x's friend" etc. It's generally used as a form of revenge to hurt that child, often not actually expressing what they feel. Eg. A child snatches a toy and the response is, "He's not coming to my party or he's not my friend." Of course the snatching has to be dealt with but that's not the way to deal with it! I usually get to why they said it and then deal with the 'unkind words'. I usually explain that words can hurt people too and just like we don't hit people, we don't use unkind words because they can hurt people's hearts.

Obviously they're young to fully understand that at 3, but it's important to introduce that concept that words are powerful and can hurt - and actually some of them very much do understand it. Hurtful words can get really bad in Reception year and even turn into bullying (I know because it happened to my son) as children learn they can't get away with hitting but words are much easier to get away with and can still have a great impact especially on sensitive children.

So @BobbyBiscuits i assume you’ve never told let’s say say one of your friend you really don’t like James down the road? Even though he keeps making sexual remarks to you when you walk past him.
Or about Matthew who thought it was ok to grope your ass when you went out to the pub?

This child was complaining about another child who hit him!. Of course he doesn’t like him. It’s not a case of having a difference of opinion or learning how to listen. It’s the fact that something unacceptable (even if not so unusual) happened. He is allowed to have strong feelings about it.

@PrincessOfPreschool but that’s not what the ds did. He didn’t seek revenge. He said he didn’t like a certain child.

If what you implement leads to a child not reporting they have been hit because they get told off on the delivery, then as the adult, you’re the one who is wrong.
No child should ever they can’t report what, as adult, we would call assault or bullying.

But can you see that words can be bullying too? It's important for even young children to understand that. They don't suddenly learn it without being taught.

Trust me, no child will stop reporting! Yes, they may change the way they report it, which isn't actually that hard. As I said, I always ask why they said that and deal with it, but unkind words are still unkind.

Thank you all for the comments, it's very helpful for us to look at it from different perspectives.

We had another discussion with his key person this morning, but unfortunately, it did not go very well. For example, I mentioned to the key person that DS told us he’s a bit scared of child X who hits him, and that we are helping him to process this. The key person’s response was, 'Scared? But child X is smaller than him...'. This gave us the impression that the issue is the teacher is thinking from an adult’s perspective, which led to DS’s feelings being dismissed. When he said "I don't like X", he was shut down without being offered an opportunity to explain why or to be taught how to say it correctly. It's also because the teacher's focus was on the "wrong" expression he used, but not on he felt. As some of you mentioned, it could be that the teachers were too busy to investigate the reason. It's true unfortunately, but we had the impression that it's more than that in DS's case.

We are arranging another meeting with the key person and a senior teacher next week. Hopefully we can understand each other a bit better.

The policy is counterproductive and will actually create a negative environment with kids effectively being pressured/scared into suppressing their feelings.

Agree with you. My child says what they are thinking, but then we talk it through, I ask why etc… He explains, if he can.

Is there enough qualified staff at the nursery. Maybe they don’t have time? It’s good that they are talking to you, though.

OP, where are you? Are you not on half term? If you're in a different country, cultural factors may come into play.

I don't agree with this. Adults often don't like each other for far more petty reasons than one of them hitting another. I think this does more harm than good and if a child keeps saying that they don't like someone it's for a responsible adult to work out what's going on and what's best to do about it not just shut down the child.

We are in London and DS's nursery opens all year around except for Easter and Christmas. So we don't have half-terms yet. @PrincessOfPreschool

I'd try and get him to say I don't like it when X hurts, me rather than I don't like X, but I don't know if that's realistic for a nursery aged child.

He definitely needs to be able to express negative feelings. What if, heaven forbid, he needs to tell someone about something bad an adult is doing to him? I'd definitely raise that safeguarding spectre with the nursery.

Agree with you all. @WhatNoRaisins @Gowlett @@mummytrex @Diaryfear
We've told the teacher that we believe it's important for him to be allowed to express negative opinions (as long as he isn't being intentionally insulting or rude). It could be about certain behaviours from other children, the food, or some activities etc, anything. As this stage, he's not trying to mean or cruel. He's simply expressing what he thinks. We support the idea that all children should learn to be kind to each other. But shutting kids down straight away without understanding the reason won't help them to learn the right way to express themselves.

Thanks again for all the replies!

Yes. Stopping kids from saying they don't like someone is fine but refusing any negativity at all and insisting on happy shiny rainbows all the time isn't

They have a responsibility for safeguarding - what happens if a child says "my head hurts?" Do they insist "no it doesn't, we only allow happy feelings here?" What if he says "i dont like daddy because he hits me".

Also there have been several horrific cases recently with nursery staff abusing children in their care. You don't want him to feel he can't tell YOU he doesn't like someone because they hurt him.

Children should be encouraged to share their feeling whether negative or positive - and I would say especially when they are negative. A small child who is hit by another will naturally feel negative just as an older child would. The nursery view in my view is very poor and I would be concerned as my child would be less likely to express their views in the future if they are shut down.

I think you’re blowing it up out of proportion.

Remember your going off the word of a 3 year old.

The nursery staff should have explored why he felt like that but as a general rule statements like ‘I don’t like X’ should be avoided.

Some kids might just go around saying ‘I hate X or I don’t like X’ and that is unkind.

But it should have been explored and that’s what you should really be discussing with the nursery