toddler not allowed to say "negative" things

[petiteHBB]

Hello,

Yesterday my son (almost 3 years old) was hit by another kid at the nursery. He then went to his key teacher and told her: I don't like X (name of the child who hit him). The key teacher didn't ask why he said that, but told him not to say this because it's negative about another children and they don't encourage this. (I was told that the kid who hit him also often hits other children and the nursery is working with his parents on this).

I had a discussion with this teacher today because I don't think it's good to forbid children to express their opinions/feelings after being hurt. But the teacher said it's the general rule at the nursery and they want to create a positive atmosphere. I'm not happy with the outcome of today's discussion because I do want my child to freely express himself and ask for help from the teachers when he needs.

I'm not sure if I'm too sensitive here. Could you please let me know your opinions? Is it better to have another chat with the teachers or the manager? Thanks!

Depends if they are shutting down kids completely from saying other kids hurt them, or if they are cutting out comments like "I don't like you, you can't play". Toddlers can be cruel so I think it's good to foster kindness, but they need to be able to say when they are unhappy or sad or worried.

saying “I don’t like it when x hits me” is fine but to just say “I don’t like x” isn’t an ideal way to express his feelings.

I agree with you. In an ideal world the staff would explore what your DS said and why he said it, then challenge it in an age appropriate way, to encourage him to think about the situation.

But I can’t imagine many nurseries, on their arses for staffing and resources, have the band width for that. Toxic positivity is probably a lot easier to implement then actually trying to get kids to develop true empathy.

Why shouldn’t he say he doesn’t like ‘X’?
‘X’ has hurt him.

Did he tell her that the other child had hit him or just tell her he didn’t like them with no context?
That comment with no context is likely to get a similar response from most educators.
She is not saying he can’t tell them negative things, she would presumably encourage him to tell her if he’s been hurt. They are just discouraging the toddler whinging.

'Oh dear why not?' is the obvious response. It's not that difficult surely?

3 year olds cannot fully express themselves and they are impulsive. It should be the job of the nursery staff to explore why a child has said something +/- use that to educate, rather than shutting them down with ‘be nice’. It’s sad to think of toddlers having their emotional needs neglected due to being viewed as ‘whinging’, especially in the context of a child who hits others.

This.

Lol

Well yes, if you expect a 30yo to speak like this, I agree. But please note, many adukts dint manage that (aka concentrate on the behaviour not the person).
If you expect an 8yo, you might be able to get them to do that, even though I doubt they were would get the nuances.

A 3yo? Come in. There is no way they have the ability to make the distinction between the two positions.

There is information missing here. Who reported exactly what originally happened and what was said after,the child or the teacher? The teacher could also be talking about policy in general.

Regardless the nursery have a policy as expressed by the teacher. I'm not sure want to achieve here. If you don't like the policy move your child to a nursery whose ethos fits yours.

I agree with that

You could also tell your son that it's safe and ok for him at home to tell you and the family who he likes and dislikes but at nursey a rule is not saying you don't like people, only saying you don't like what they did

I think it was very poorly worded from the nursery.

I think it’s essential that children are allowed and taught how to express negative feelings. That means in that case, being told how to word the issue rather than a generic ‘you can’t say that because it’s negative’. It won’t have any meaning to him and he won’t learn anything apart from ‘I can’t tell when I have negative feelings’.
I also think not asking the child Why he felt like this is an issue.

But the biggest issue here for me here is teaching a child they can’t say negative things about another child.

Move that a few years and the child has properly learnt you can’t say negative things. And then

• the child gets bullied
• the child witness abuse
• the child is victim of abuse

How will they ever feel comfortable disclosing they ‘don’t like Michael and dont want to be friend with him anymore’.

I agree. It’s a lot easier to shut them down completely than to explore the reason and provide guidance on how to express themselves.

I 100% agree with what you said. My son mentioned that the same kid hit him on the head again today. I asked if he told his teachers, and he said no. My concern is that this so-called 'being nice' will lead to emotionally suppressed children who are unable to stand up for themselves.

He only said "I don't like X" to the teacher and she didn't see what happened. My son is unable to explain the whole situation of course and the teacher didn't ask why he said that.

I dunno. I think it is perfectly reasonably not to like someone who hits you. At any age. Wouldn't you? Why should we expect toddlers to be more forgiving and tolerant and accommodating than we would be ourselves, as adults with way more agency.

FGS!
Let kids be kids - to learn the spectrum of emotions is essential, not this fake positive BS. That is the most controlling and weird thing i've heard for a long time and is surely just a coping mechanism for the staff rather than children. I would look at another nursery honestly that's just made me angry!

@Sirzy it is ideal because it's a kid

Ask them to put this in writing to you or send you the policy, as you want to compare it to current early years approaches. Funnily enough, this can really help them to gain some perspective when they type it out word for word and realize how ridiculous they are being and how flawed this approach is.

That was my initial thought! I didn’t understand why you can't just say you don’t like someone who hits you... But after seeing what was said, I guess some kids can be mean or harsh. I think I’m disappointed that the teacher didn’t ask why or help him learn how to express his feelings.

Tbf The problem is that they dont have the time to support a child to explore their feelings and how to express them.

Also agree with @comedycentral
And I’d ask them to provide details on what they expect a child to say when they are been hit by another child too.

This is really silly and is just shutting down conversations. Every child who makes a negative comment about someone at that age, has a reason in their mind for it. They are too small to be being "bitchy".

The reasons should be explored and the feelings should be talked about not shut down. Why encourage children to "feel" a more acceptable way. This isn't good.

That's a good idea. I'll do that. Thanks a lot! @ComingBackHome @comedycentral