Toddler - "unkind hands"

[mumwithallthebooks]

Hi my DS is 3.5 and has been at the same nursery since he was a baby. In his current room - the preschool one - his behaviour has become more challenging. His worker has informed us he pushes other children and sometimes pulls their hair. He can shout if they have a toy he wants or if he doesn't like what they do. We are keen to support him (and of course in turn the nursery) the best we can. What is developmentally appropriate here in terms of how we can support from home? He has a good set of friends at nursery but definitely doesn't like going this year compared to previous years and goes through phases of being upset at handover. He says everyday he doesn't like it.

I think you need to keep in mind that if nursery want to talk to you about this to manage his behaviour it’s probably because he’s hitting his friends & it’s very likely those ‘friends’ parents who are complaining.

It might be a good idea to help ds with how a friend should make them feel (and how they should make a friend feel). You need to make it very clear to him, be blunt if needed, that hitting children makes them not want to be his friend and if he does it often enough his friends will not want to play with him any more. Rinse and repeat.

Thanks for your reply. We tell him this all the time! He has a lovely group of friends and I hate the thought of little ones being scared of him or unhappy due to his behaviour. I've had to push nursery quite a bit to tell us when his behaviour is not good as they just weren't. We would share concerns we had at home re his behaviour and they'd say they couldn't imagine him behaving that way etc and it is only now that we've said we want to know everyday that he does anything that they tell us.

Why doesn't he want to go to nursery?

He sometimes says other children are not kind but usually I think it is that he'd rather just be at home with us, his own toys, in comfort etc.

@mumwithallthebooks

We would share concerns we had at home re his behaviour
So your concerns started because his behaviour at home deteriorated and became more challenging?

You need to name the behaviour you want to see, so kind hands when stroking a teddy bear, demonstrate kind hands yourself or gentle hands. You could role play at home asking for a toy, teach him to swap toys with you. You can tell him it is his turn to have a toy and then ask to play with it yourself a few minutes later. Or play games where you take turns. Also every time you see him playing nicely then comment on it but be specific, it was kind to let Josh have that truck or whatever rather than generically saying playing nicely.

If he is a first or only child then all the toys at home are his, he has never learned to share at home. Help him learn this.

@downwindofyou yes we went through a period of lots of biting, hitting and anger at home. This is now largely resolved other than when he is very tired or ill. For many months when we asked nursery there was no concern but more recently they did say occasionally he pushes other children or shouts. This week was the first time they mentioned hair pulling and it hasn't happened since but obviously that was a big red flag for us.
@spreadbedcandlewick thank you. We very much model this and do lots of explicit and specific praise but like you say he is used to his toys at home being his own. He feels very anxious about sharing and just how many children there are in his room (and will be at primary) so we working on that too.

If he is struggling with the number of children, how is the preschool room set up? There should be at least one cosy, quiet space – a book corner, a den, etc. Can he be encouraged to use those spaces for a bit of chill time when the busyness is getting too much for him?

If that's a known challenge for him, the staff should also be able to support him with that, little things like usually trying to have his seat at mealtimes on the end, sitting at the edge of the carpet for story time, etc. If you can lower his level of overwhelm/anxiety about the number of children, that will probably help with other behaviour.

Thanks @skkyelark he is very sociable and has lots of friends but with a big class of children I think it is the sharing and the social demands he finds hard to navigate.

Do also be mindful that some neurodivergence could be appearing. Worry about numbers of people in the room made me wonder.

You could try having some of the nursery friends round to play in your house, and encourage the positive behaviour and sharing during those play dates.

Break down the ‘home is all mine and nursery nothing is mine’.

Working with nursery to come up with consistent alternatives. Eg. If you’re upset with someone come and tell a grown up, don’t pull their hair.

I’d be wondering if the environment wasn’t great- how many children etc etc. Is he very tired? Maybe too much for him. Did he previously thrive there? Any other changes eg staff? I wouldn’t worry about being able to share per se more the angry behaviour that they say they can’t control/manage - I think you need more convos with the staff about what exactly is happening in these moments and what their reaction is- and then consider the overall picture if this is the right setting for him etc.