nursery newbie - what really happens to your child behind your back???

[fungi]

Hi, ok I'm feeling really paranoid for my 1 year old dd now. She's only been in nursery for a few sessions over 3 weeks and hasn't settled very well. I know, everyone says give it time and it will get better, but my heart is aching every time I pick her up. She lost her voice today from crying after 5 hours of being there. Would they just leave her and cry her heart out??? Her key worker said she cries sometimes but not always.

I think she doesnt like her (temporary) key worker who is also the baby room supervisor. Whenever she talks to her, my dd start panicking, grabs onto me and cries! But with the other nursery nurses, she loves them and laughs with them.

Also, my dd loves her food. I can understand that shes not used to a stranger feeding her, so shes not eating much. But surely if shes so hungry, she would eat much more?? I know dd eats slower than the other babies, and I've seen her eat in nursery and I think her key worker gives up feeding her too quickly so dd doesnt have much food which makes her difficult. I've got this feeling that her key worker is giving me false reports on my dd. I know they put on an act while I'm there (gosh I really sound paranoid now!)

Another thing! For naps, they seem to have a system of rocking the babies to sleep then placing them into the cots. Is this a common thing to do in nurseries? My dd falls asleep in her cot so I was a bit surprised to see them do that but I didnt say anything because I know dd needs her sleep and if their rocking works, then let it be...

Arghhhhh I'm so stressed and worried now

Should I leave it a bit longer or make other plans to move her?

it is usual for babies to take a while to settle BUT if your alarm bells are ringing them please talk to the staff

Tell her keyworker to take time to feed her & if you don't think they are getting on then ask for her to be changed

tell them you don't want her rocked to sleep - but left to settle on her own

Nurseries tend to rock babies as they can get them to sleep at the same time (ish)

I put my little boy into nursery and am self confessed completely paranoid. If I were you i would put a time aside with the nursery when you can go in, sit down with them and discuss how she is settling in. With the keyworker and the nursery manager together. This is your right, you are paying, she is your child and you need to be happy that she is safe and secure. If the nursery is any good, they will welcome the chance to make this happen.
Sit down with then (take a list of questions or actions) discuss your concerns, how you want your child put down to sleep, how she should be fed etc etc. Then (if possible) ask to stay for half an hour or so,when she does not know you are there. You can see how she reacts when (she thinks) you are not there.

Hi, thanks for your quick replies! Its a bit difficult with the key worker situation because she is the baby room supervisor and is the only full time nursery nurse there. Its very likely that she will end up being her permanant key worker anyway while shes in the baby room. How can dd settle in when she feels unsure about her key worker? Surely I cant mention this to the manager as I know they have a good staff-manager relationship??

Mum 1369 - did you do these things with ur little one? Did it take long for him to settle in?

I have to take some time off work to speak to her key worker as my hubby picks dd up, coz when I drop dd off in the morning, theres never enough time to hang around. I will have to sort something out.

Thanks!

I did eventually. he took about a week to settle in - about 3 to settle properly, but he was older (nearly 2.3) and had never been without me. To be honest I think I was worse than him.
I went in and asked for a meeting because I still had concerns - 6 mnths on. More to do with my paranoia than anything else. But I took the view that I needed to be in charge of the situation and happy with it - otherwise what was the point in leaving him there. I was just really straight with them and voiced my concerns - you don't have to be derogatory of the keyworker - just express all the reactions of your baby and do it in a 'what do you think we can do to make this better' type scenario. You might find the keyworker is much more receptive once she knows you are keeping an eye on the situation. Also, to be fair to her - you need to tell her how you want her to handle your child, it's not her decision, it's yours (sorry if that sounds harsh - but it took me a long time to get my head around it - I am actually the one who needs to tell them how to look after my child in the best way possible) If they can't or won't follow that, then you need to find a new nursery...
It is so hard leaving them, I hope you can find a way through it that is best for both of you

Also... do you call during the day? It helps to ring and ask how she is getting along, is she crying etc etc

Hi Mum 1369

Really feel for you as I found the whole nursery thing quite traumatic to begin with.

Don't have any words of wisdom other than give it some more time, if your DD is till crying herself hoarse in a couple of weeks then maybe its not the best place for her.

I was never sure what 'happened' in the day when my Ds was at nursery and tbh used to look for 'evidence' to back up what i was being told ect. But then I went through a spell of having to pick DS up at a variety of times during the day which went on for about t a month. TBH I never gave it a thought that I should tell them but never once did I see something that made me worry and since then I have felt better about it. maybe you could employ a similar strategy for a while?

Wishing you all the best.

Im a nursery nurse and worked for time in private nursery believe me noone cn tolerate bby crying forb5 hours all efforts would be mde to pacify her and that could include a walk out in the fresh air ,1 to 1 ,anything to distract her (1 child i had would only calm down with milky sugary tea and so with mums permission this ws what we used initially)and help her settle believe me they would phone you after a period of time- mealtimes perhaps you should voice your concerns i personally often took a slow eater in the office with me in my dinner time to allow her time to eat hungry children are miserable children ....you need to voice your concerns you are pying for this childcare you deserve quality feel free to phone whenever her keyworker will make time to speak to albeit just a yes shes ok bit weepy but ok not a long assesment.

What we did find at the nursery was I was the first to leave and have a baby then i returned on a part time basis was that the babies seemed to 'take ' to me more than the others possibly we think because i was a mum but maybe you need to ask how her relationship is with the keyworker and what can be done? she really needs a definite key worker now not a temporary one- the sleep thing is tricky if you are trying to get 9 babies to sleep you have to go with what works for the majority and ease the others in in stages.

Its always hard settling a wee one into nursery s hard for the mum s it is for the baby and so dont be afraid to ask anything if they think you are paranoid so what???

Does your DD have a report book that they fill in each day telling you what she's eaten, when she slept, what she's done etc? - I used this a lot the first 2 months to write messages to the staff, - which I'd also tell them when I dropped DS off, just tips if I saw he hadn't eaten much etc.

Also had to fill in an extensive form that asked about his routine, what time he slept, had meals, milk, best way to get him to sleep, favourite ways to comfort him, all manner of stuff (and of course I wrote a novel filling it in! - PFB!). Did you fill something similar in? - If not, can you type something up, listing DD's daily routine and adding in notes about how you need to keep trying her with food 10m later, the best way to get her to sleep and any other thing that's important to you?

DS cried everyday I dropped him off - and again when I picked him up! - the staff reassured me he stopped as soon as I left - but this week he smiled and waved at me for the first time (after 3 months) - I was so happy, then got upset thinking he didn't need me as much!!

Fungi - lots of great advice hear, just wanted to add that if its always her key worker (the one your worried she is not keen on) that you hand her over too? Often this will be why a child reacts like she has as she associates this person with you going, the other staff less so. However difficult to say as I haven't seen the reaction. I manage a nursery and to be honest if a child doesn't take to someone or just seems to click with someone else I would much rather the parent said, usually though i would expect the staff to have noticed and we swap key people (after chatting to parent)

As for rocking we try to limit this according to parent wishes but if a little one needs some reassurance (new place, staff, bed etc) then we do this until settled and then wean them off it)

Good luck

Hi, thanks for all your lovely replies and lots of useful advice. I know it will take time and I will try my best to get my dd settled. I sat with dd today while she played during another settling in session (she started nursery a few weeks ago but was ill last week so we're re-doing settling ins!). The baby room supervisor wasnt there today but the staff seem organised and caring to the babies.

I do get an end-of-day report from her keyworker. They just write down what shes eaten, nappy changes and whats shes been playing with. During one of my paranoid moments last week, I did think her keyworker was just filling in the gaps just for the sake of it! hmmm ok I've got an active imagination!

This sounds really bad and cruel but I usually sneak out of the room when dd isnt looking I feel so guilty but I personally think its the easier way to leave her rather than say bye and seeing her get upset while I'm walking through the door. Am I doing the right thing??

DD is in nursery on thurs and friday this week, so I will see how she gets on, and I hope she doesnt get ill again this week!!!! Oh I wish she would settle in asap, then I can relax and go to work happy!

Thanks!

Fungi - how you leave her is up to you, however in my experience its far easier to settle (length of time) if you say goodbye. Otherwise each time you go there they are waiting for you to disappear and therefore are extra clingy. Its harder on you but far easier on chid if you can reassure them, say goodbye and then leave, even if they are crying. If parents return if their child cries when they say goodbye, each time the crying gets longer becasue they have they expect mummy to reappear. Our parents wait just outside the room to hear them stop and then phone 30 minutes later, by which timethe child is usually having great fun!