Nursery worker made comment that’s left me upset

[ConcernedMumNursery]

Hi
just wanted some advice
my son has been at his nursery FT since he was 9 months old; he’s now 22 months old. The last 2 weeks one of the nursery apprentices has been making odd comments about his behaviour which has made me feel quite sad.

the last 2 days it came to a head, Monday she took me aside to say my son had been bad at sharing, was having to be told multiple times to follow instructions and sometimes was slightly rough (she confirmed he wasn’t hitting or biting but didn’t expand more). I left quite embarrassed thinking my son was Advil but friends have told me this is reasonably normal for the age and probably a phase.

today if I asked if he was better she said no, she had to tell him 5 times to sit down. I apologised and jokingly said to my TODDLER son, oh if you don’t behave X won’t want to be your friend any more…. To which she replied “no I don’t”. I was a bit shocked and sort of laughed and said ah wel maybe he needs to move up to tje toddler room then (he moves up at 2) and she said “yeah that would be good”.

i feel really sad that seemingly someone just doesn’t like my child. I don’t think he’s perfect but I certainly don’t think he’s that off kilter for the average toddler. I have asked other workers about his behaviour and his key worker and they have no concerns. I’m feeling really upset about the situation and unsure whether I need to raise it with a manager. Am I being sensitive? I am 26 weeks pregnant but feel like it’s quite inappropriate thing to say about a small child. Especially when the only example she could give was he wouldn’t sit down?

She went along with your silly ‘joke’ so I think this is pretty much on you that you don’t like that she agreed with you.

They have to sit down for meals though

Yes, they do, but if he wasn't sitting the first time she shouldn't just be repeating herself. If every other child has sat down to eat and he's wandering round, he is probably either not sure where to sit or distracted by something. It's a situation where she should have worked out why he wasn't sitting down and then made sure she had his attention before helping him find a seat and sit down, not just said the same thing 5 times, and it's very minor and not something you should be whinging to parents about.

I would speak to the manager to share your experience of the apprentice as they obviously don’t understand child development and how to speak to parents. I would highlight that they were also very negative about your child.
They will be learning and could be just starting out on their career in childcare, so will make mistakes, however the nursery should be managing this and also challenging an apprentice that says they don’t like a child

While I agree this is not an ideal thing to say, the staff member could have easily played along in a less unkind way like "that's right. Playing isn't as fun if someone isn't sharing. It makes me not enjoy our games as much. It's a shame because I really like playing with the dinosaurs with you. Let's do some better sharing tomorrow ok, Henry? Ok you have a nice evening. See you in the morning."

And that's even giving her the benefit of the doubt because expecting a not even 2 year old to share consistently is ridiculous. He's not being naughty. What OP is describing is completely developmentally normal. Even if the apprentice isn't aware of that, there's lots of ways she could have responded better.

She not only said she didn't want to be his friend but also responded "yes that would be good" to him going to a different room permanently when presumably the decision about children moving up early is way above her pay grade.

If his behaviour is bad enough that they think he should move into the toddler room then someone who is fully qualified and professional should be raising that with OP. And central to the conversation should be how it would benefit OPs son, not how much this apprentice dislikes him.

I get that she's still learning and might not know a lot about child development yet but she's being allowed to work there and given enough freedom that she's been able to make multiple comments to OP including this one which has seemingly gone either unnoticed or unchallenged by other staff.

I'd be concerned. Who else is in the room with her whenever she's with the children? Are they always in earshot? What is she saying to the children? What expectations does she have of them and their behaviour? Of their physical and mental capabilities? Does she think young babies are being manipulative when they cry? Or 12 month olds should be able to control their bowels until an appropriate time? Does she think time outs are appropriate for a 9 month old?

Why is an apprentice pulling you aside? And suggesting things way out of her decision making abilities like whether he should move room early?

I’d be asking for a meeting with your key worker.

I’d raise with your key worker but more so about the apprentice pulling you aside about behaviour concerns. Surely any discussions should be had with your DS’s key worker.

I agree with PPs, she may have clumsily tried to follow your lead on the “joke” about not wanting to be his friend so I’d probably leave that bit out when discussing with the key worker. Shes being unreasonable for reporting that she asked him to sit down 5 times though - he’s less than 2! And at that age surely it’s fairly developmentally appropriate not to share - it all just needs to be managed by the staff not reported as a concern.

She doesn't like your child, and if she's happy enough for you to see that, imagine how she's happy to behave when you aren't around. My child wouldn't be in her care again.

I think shes telling you he isnt behaving in line with other kids they have there

Generally kids having been to nursery from a young age do follow the instructions

Take it up with the keyworker or nursery manager, definitely, it's utterly inappropriate and she has unrealistic expectations.
But for real you said this? I apologised and jokingly said to my TODDLER son, oh if you don’t behave X won’t want to be your friend any more. how on earth do YOU think that's appropriate to talk to your own child in that way, he has no idea of what a joke is. Have a word with yourself.

That definitely warrants a complaint.

You were the one who said she wouldn't be his friend, so she was just backing you up! You can't really blame her for that.

Presumably the apprentice is a 16/17/18 year old who is still learning - interacting with parents is one of the hardest things for young workers to get the hang of.

Speak to the key worker or room leader and let them know you find her feedback a bit too negative.

He might not be hitting or biting but rough playing or taking things roughly from other children might be too much for a 14 month old barely stable on their feet for example.

He's maybe ready to be with the older toddlers who match his energy better. So moving up would be good for him.

Having to tell him to sit down repeatedly, you don't elaborate if this was 5 times in a row or he sat for a minute then was back up and needed to be told again, was he causing an overall distraction to other children?

She agreed with your "joke", would you have preferred her to pull you up about your terrible parenting decision in that moment to say that to a child?

You seem to have taken a dislike to this person because she's an apprentice, you could be considered an apprentice too if you only have experience of working with one child.

Below is taken from the non statutory guidance for the EYFS, from the 3-4yo section. It discusses sharing, turn taking and sitting still...for children double his age.

This is awful in so so so many ways. She clearly has absolutely zero understanding of child development and she clearly dislikes your child to say she doesn't want to be his friend (wtf?!).

And even then says 'sometimes' and 'with adult guidance'.

Is she very young? Sounds like possibly inexperience and that she's not enjoying the part of the job that requires dealing with fairly normal toddler behaviour and getting frustrated. Maybe she thought she'd love this job but she's actually not that suited to it.

If they're her expectations she has no understanding of child development.
You should absolutely raise a concern with the manager, he's too little to fully explain anything to you and with how she is in front of you I'd be very worried about how she is with him when you're not there. I'm usually in the camp of letting things go, especially with over stretched nursery staff but I'd be furious about this one.

This says it all really. I’m so sorry she’s treated you both like that. She’s an idiot and shouldn’t be working with children. He’s a baby for god same!! I’d speak to the manager and say you feel her behaviour is unprofessional and inappropriate. I’d also ask when he can move out of her room and say you’d rather handovers be done by other staff in future.

I agree with this. She just agreed with you, and you kind of led her into it. It's a bit like when an unruly kid comes to my business and plays up, the parent says "the lady will tell you off" and I just wonder what I'm supposed to do, and that they should deal with their own kid not detract back to me. You could report, but what will you say, the assistant agreed with me?

I'm also pregnant with a toddler who is about to move up to toddler room fr baby room. I would be raising this with the manager as it sounds like a training opportunity, it's usual for a 22 month old to behave that way it's unusual for a worker to speak like that about them.

Sounds like normal toddler behavior to me. She needs to rein in her ridiculous expectations.

My second Ds Is 19 months old...it's all normal behaviour. Please report that woman. She needs a job where she doesn't work with children.

That's very inappropriate of her. His behaviour sounds very normal for his age.
Moving to the toddler room could be good though, maybe he is bored and it would get him away from this woman!

Sounds like she's tired and moody at the end of the day. She should t have said them things but I can imagine it must be a hard job having to say the same thing over and over over.