To think they aren't doing enough

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There is a boy at my DDs preschool who is violent to all of the children, but seems to target my DDs frequently. My girls are 2 & 3 for reference.

My youngest DD started there 9 months ago, and on her very first day, he bit her on the side of her hand hard enough to draw blood and leave teeth marks for 2 weeks.

Not long after, he bit my eldest DD on the leg and left red teeth marks on her thigh.

He shoved my eldest DD into the bookcase.

Less than 2 weeks ago, my eldest was trying to go in the playhouse and he pushed her out and pinched her so hard on her tummy that he drew blood. She didn't tell anyone about this as she was sad so went to sit in the book corner alone. I noticed the marks as I got her undressed for her bath and she told me what had happened. I raised this with preschool straight away and they said they would write an incident form and inform his mum (again).

Today I collected my DDs and was told at pickup that the same boy had jabbed his fingers into my youngests eyes, and thrown water in my eldests face repeatedly at the water table.

They apologise for each incident and tell me mum is mortified/tearing her hair out/she's struggling being a single mum etc. which I sympathise with to an extent, however I shouldn't have to send my DDs to preschool worried whether he will hurt them today. Apparently he has a behaviour chart, but aside from this, I don't think much is being done. My eldest has told me multiple times she doesn't want to go in today because he will be there which is unacceptable for a 3 year old to be worried about going to her own preschool setting.

She is due to leave in a couple of weeks as she starts reception in September, however my youngest will be there with him for another 2 years and I'm actually at the point where I'm thinking of moving her because of this one boy.

I feel as though more should be done to monitor his behaviour and he should have a key person to watch him closely and make sure he isn't getting the opportunity to hurt the other children, but he just gets free roam of the place and attacks them all of the time. I'm absolutely sick of it to be honest. I understand children go through phases, but to jab his fingers into my 2 year olds eyes is just awful. I am at a loss on what to do. Any advice? TIA

That sounds horrendous!

I would be asking for a meeting with the manager, referencing all the incidents and ask what is being done to safeguard your children.
Follow this up in writing in an email.

See what they say but I would 100% be very tempted to move them.

I would write an email asking about what they are doing about this. At the end of the day please don’t let your child be bullied there if the staff can’t/won’t do anything : /

I'm sorry this is happening and affecting your girls.

A behaviour chart isn't "doing nothing", they need to work out what if anything is triggering this behaviour.

Of course he has free roam of the setting, as all the children do.

As he's two (if your youngest has two years there with him), there's every chance that this behaviour will be something he grows out of. And I guarantee he isn't targeting your children. They should be shadowing him though, it's difficult but in a mixed room with appropriate staffing someone should be able to stay with him. Even that isn't always enough, and I speak from experience.

He has a key person. That is a legal requirement. They may not always be working when he's in, they have other key children too. The "opportunity to hurt other children", by the way you describe it, is just "being near other children". I don't think he should be isolated.

You're right that your children should not be worrying about him. I would have a chat with the manager about what's being done to keep your girls safe.

Actually, are you being told by staff "Jack jabbed Lucy's eyes" and "Jack threw water at Amelia"? I'd be shocked if that's the case. We never mention names when an incident has occurred. Are you going by your girls telling you what has happened?

Because honestly so many times I've had children accusing the Jack of my setting of breaking something, hurting them, pushing them, making a mess - when he wasn't even present that day. Sometimes the names that are heard most in a negative way - "Jack, please stop" "Jack, kind hands" - are the ones that stick in a child's mind. Not saying your daughters are lying, just my experience.

Thank you for the replies, I feel totally lost on what to do because no one else that I've spoken to has had this experience with their child's preschool, of course isolated incidents do happen and all children go through phases, but this has been 9 months now and his behaviour isn't improving while my girls seem to get the brunt of it. I don't think he should be isolated but if causing repeated harm to the other children he should be taken away from that area ie the water play in the garden and shown that he won't be able to join in with water play fun if he can't play nicely. I know he is young but so are my girls and they've never lashed out at another child like this.

Jabbing my youngest in her eyes is just horrific. It wasn't as though he was frustrated over a toy etc and gave her a shove. He actively sought her out just to hurt her which breaks my heart for her.

@hoarahloux it's definitely him, the staff haven't mentioned him by name directly but I did say today 'is it the same person who pinched N last week' and she said yes and told me they will be giving an incident form to his mum again but she struggles with his behaviour being a single mum.

Each time I speak to the manager they just tell me 'mum is aware and is devastated' but that's as far as it goes.

I would just take your youngest out.

Each time I speak to the manager they just tell me 'mum is aware and is devastated' but that's as far as it goes.

Did you say safeguarding?

Drop that word and they'll soon listen. Yes she's devastated but so are you.

but she struggles with his behaviour being a single mum. tough shit. If she can't cope it's time to escalate it.

We had similar with our eldest. It started last year and wasn’t quite as bad as you describe but it was bad enough for us to make a complaint to the nursery and its head office. They took it seriously at this point and the staff had additional training, the parents of the offender were brought in for multiple meetings etc.

It did improve but not enough and in hindsight I wish we’d moved her. We had only just moved her there after a relocation and it was her last year before school so didn’t want to cause unnecessary disruption, but she has never felt fully settled there and the offending child is a big part of the problem.

Although DD and the offending child will also be leaving this summer to start school (thankfully different ones!) we have decided to send her youngest to a different nursery as we just lost all confidence in the staff, particularly the management. We couldn’t trust them to keep our child safe.

Move the youngest.

I am the mum of the ‘offender’ in this situation at our nursery. My DS has hit, kicked, bitten, head butted and grabbed his way through babies and toddlers. I have tried everything to stop it. The nursery were excellent and they shadowed him with extra staff and removed him whenever they saw him start to behave in the manner that led to physical objection. They are very strong with him with clear direction and they instructed me on how to be clear with him at home. They also kept him in a group of older children who were able to respond/move physically and he has learned not to do it. I still believe it was frustration at his lack of communication capability.
I would not be happy in your shoes with the nursery response. They need to actively monitor both children and actively manage the behaviour. If that is not happening then escalate to the manager or move the youngest.

Why are they mentioning she is a single mum? It’s irrelevant. Being a single parent is not a stick to beat someone with; neither can it be an excuse for your child misbehaving.

Honestly, OP - I’d just leave. Life is too short. Nothing much will be done, they could be hurt much more while he’s learning to get stickers in his behaviour chart, just move on and get your girls far away from him.

It is incredibly difficult when you have a child with these behaviours in your group. We can shadow a child closely and that split second where you turn your attention to another child is when they decide to bite, push or scratch someone.

The staff will be monitoring this very closely and everyone hates it when a child gets hurt, especially when you have been keeping as close to one to one as is possible. Most nurseries will be working without the funding for a one to one and still have other children that need attention but will do their best within this.

However, keep pushing for answers and ask what they are doing to support the children who are getting hurt by the other child's behaviours. It is awful when children are worried about coming in because they get hurt. If you aren't getting answers that satisfy you then carry on looking for care elsewhere however it is highly likely that where ever your child attends there will be someone who has behaviour issues and the potential to bite or push, etc.

In all honesty I would move your children ( or at least your youngest child if you don't want to uproot your oldest so close to her leaving). They are letting you down and they are letting down the other child and his mum. I would be LIVID if my child was the 'perpetrator' in this situation and found out that staff were telling other parents it was because I was a struggling single mum. That alone suggests to me that staff in this nursery are unprofessional, don't understand confidentiality and have very little understanding of child behaviour (or inclination to delve beyond easy and cheap excuses such as blaming the single parent. Who is not in charge of this child or managing his behaviour while he is on site at the nursery and in the staff's care-how can it be her fault entirely when she is not even present? What are the staff doing? Or are they absolving themselves of all responsibility because her marital status is an easy way for them to cover themselves?)

Yes, intervening and tracking a child with these behaviour challenges is harder work than average but if they have the correct ratios in place (do they? Properly qualified staff and not using unqualified/training/apprentices to make up the numbers?) then time can be spent making sure this child is being diverted and other children are kept safe. At least one member of management should be supernumerary, perhaps they need to come into the room for a few sessions to provide extra support and assess just how much 'extra' care is required. They can ask for support/assessment from the county Early Years team with regard to what strategies to put in place, free of charge and as a matter of priority to ensure safeguarding of all children is upheld (and this doesn't necessarily mean assessment of SEN or diagnosis/EHCP if that's what they assume, but support and strategies with challenging behaviour affecting the wellbeing of all children, drawing up behaviour plan etc).

There is so much they should/could be doing rather than shrugging and telling you that another parent feels dreadful and blaming her single status , and allowing your children to continue to get hurt. Never mind continuing to ignore a 2 year old who is trying to communicate as best he can that something is not right when he is at pre school but he lacks the words to be able to do so.

Controversial, but if he's repeatedly doing that then he should be removed.