Not sure how much longer I can force my daughter into nursery

[Firsttimer1986]

Anyone else have a nursery/preschooler who could not be less fine?!

My daughter is 4. No ND differences but highly sensitive. She attends a private nursery 2 full days a week, and has done since she was a year old. My mum also has her 1 day a week (and she loves going there). She’ll be starting school (in Scotland) in August 2025. She’s always struggled, and has never been the kind of kid who’s skipped in happily. But over the last several months things have changed. She’s gone from being easily reassured and going in settled, to being distraught. Not just at drop off, but any time we speak about nursery, the night before, as soon as she opens her eyes in the morning. We have literally tried every strategy/trick in the book, but nothing is helping. Now when we chat her through the plan (mummy will pick you up after lunch/dinner) she screams “I KNOW THAT” almost as if she knows herself that nothing seems to be helping her feel better. I can the anxiety and sadness loud and clear.

She’s had a difficult relationship with a peer that used to be somewhat of a ‘best friend’. This kid is now very dominant/a big character, and is very dismissive of my daughter. I think that relationship breakdown and my daughter’s sensitive/overly analytical nature probably was the trigger for the start of this anxiety. But it’s snowballed. And is now no longer just about that. The nursery staff have been great, and do what they can, but she’s in a big, busy, city centre nursery, and they can’t possibly meet every child’s individual emotional needs. Waiting lists in our area are huge, so moving her isn’t an option, nor am I sure it would help.

I was similar as a kid, and honestly struggled the whole way through school. I was a ‘coper’ at best and definitely pay the price as an adult. My husband thinks I’m projecting a lot, and to be fair I probably am. But my heart is breaking. I cannot bear watching my little girl, who should be so care free, deal with so much anxiety and upset. I just want to escape. I want to reduce my hours at work (doable) take her out of nursery, join a small forest school or similar, and home educate her. My husband thinks I’m being dramatic and just looking to escape the problem instead of solving it. But honestly, I just want my baby to thrive. And LIVE. Not just cope and get by.

Sorry this was ludicrously long. I guess I’m just hoping for a little solidarity. And any words of wisdom/ideas/success stories. I just feel so utterly alone!

If this has been going on several months, I’d definitely consider a change of environment. Forest schools are a great option, my 2 year old thrives in one.

She is having big feelings for a 4 year old, I was a reception teacher for many years and often kids fall out but make up 5 minutes later with no bad blood.

Thank you. I guess you’re kind of confirming my suspicions, that this might just not get any better without taking her out!

Listen to your gut and take her out. She doesn’t feel safe or protected there but can’t explain why. My daughter was in a similar situation in early primary school

Do it. I wish I'd had the courage of my convictions with DS1 and kept him at home. Listen to your gut.

Take her out. All children ae different. It sounds as though she is not ready for all this yet. Forest schools sounds good, but there is no need to assume that you will need to home educate after that. Children change and develop - their social skills improve and they learn to adapt. Just play it by ear. She is who she is and your decisions need to be based on that - ease her burden by taking her out for now and see how she goes.

Im in tears reading these responses. I think maybe I just needed this validation. Everyone around me is of the ‘it is what it is/she’ll be fine once she’s in/this is just normal for some kids’ mentality. But she’s not fine, and why should it be normal?!

@Mischance that’s a really good point. The big thing that my family keep getting to me with is the whole ‘if you take her out of nursery now, school will be even harder’. But you’re right, things might change a lot by then. She might change a lot. And how is going through all of this preparing her for anything anyway!

I have no advice about the nursery exactly as my very sensitive and shy DC1 was actually always really happy and her normal, confident self at her nursery. But I will say that the difference in her between age 4 and 5 in terms of confidence, sociability, anxiety etc was HUGE. She came on soo much in that year and dealt with school starting pretty well. She went to nursery two full days a week too and I do think it did help her to prepare for school. She got a head start on her phonics and things like being in a routine with lots of children and how to socialise appropriately with a large group of kids etc (as she went to a large nursery too). BUT she was very happy there so appreciate it is different.

I did it for a while and I can't say I'm sorry. Everyone was happier. But there came a time when school was the right thing again and I was in limbo.

I work in early years, we have children who have to be prised from their parents kicking and screaming each day however after 10 minutes, have settled, play great, follow the routine, join in all the activities and generally have fun.

we also have children who ask constantly when is my mummy coming but they still join in activities , play with friends and have fun, they just need the reassurance that mum is coming back.

how is she at nursery after you have left what do the staff say to you?

If you move her she will be happier.

Happy children cope with things. Children who are not happy find it much harder and if there is a child she really doesn't get in with it is unlikely to improve.

My daughter went to a nursery/preschool that seemed absolutely lovely, the staff appeared kind and caring but she hated it. Drop offs were awful.
Staff told me she was fine as soon as I left and she didn't have any issues but it just got worse and worse. To a point where she would cry hysterically as soon as I got the uniform out of the wardrobe.
In the end, after much stress and debate over what to do, I moved her to a different preschool and we only had a handful of difficult drop offs and she loved it.
She's 8 now and I wonder why I put myself through the stress for so longer and didn't move her sooner.
Yes, kids have difficult drop offs but this was something else.
I honestly believe some settings just don't suit our children. Just like adults, we don't always feel comfortable in certain places, workplaces etc

Hi @Firsttimer1986 what did you do? Did it help? Similar situation over here...

Forest school, childminder, smaller nursery, she’s too small to be rational!

Update pls ? Currently going through this x

My dd was exactly the same, being effectively bullied by another coming up 4 year old, nursery said she just had to toughen up.

I snapped and pulled her out, she was so grateful it was awful.

Despite never enjoying school or university she tolerated it all beyond tears on the first day back. Nothing was as traumatic as nursery, I think as a parent you know when it’s serious so I would remove her if you can.

Different settings do suit different children. We’ve had some that never really settle with us and come in upset - they are usually fine after drop off but we can never work out what causes the upset before they arrive. Yet we’ve had children move to our setting because they’ve been struggling to settle in a different one and they absolutely love it and you can see how relieved the parent is.

It doesn’t hurt to try somewhere different. I ended up home educating my son because he had such extreme reactions to preschool. As one of the youngest in the year group I decided not to send him to school and kept him home. He eventually went to school about 7yo and did enjoy it at that point and did fine.

I would have happily carried on with home Ed except I ended up a single parent so needed to work.