3 year old crying at drop off

[Koalabear240]

Good evening,

sorry if this is along one, my 3.5 year old has gone to nursery for 1.5 years now. She used to go in easily however last 6 months have been tough. She struggles to let things go and obsesses over things ( I may add there’s suspected additional needs her brother is diagnosed but she’s very “high function” and she masks a lot to other people so struggling to progresss with a referral for diagnosis! and she can struggle with emotions etc ) she is very kind to everyone and has never been mean she’s quite sensitive and people pleases. so a few months ago a boy started being mean to her pushing saying things unkind taking toys off her etc , unfortunately she wasn’t telling the staff and was just standing there taking it so they hadn’t always picked up on what was going on, she increasingly started getting harder and harder to leave st nursery and started telling me she didn’t want to go and obsessed over if this child was there. I had a meeting with nursery and after this going on for some time they watched what he was doing more closely and realised he was doing these things while they was playing and as my daughter is a people pleaser she was being overly nice to him to try and get him to be nice back to her .. so although I kept telling her she doesn’t have to play with him she still did to try and get him to be nice to her but he was still mean. Anyway they now get watched closely and they’ve been encouraging her to stand up for herself and tell him no. Over the last few weeks they’ve rarely been near each other as much and if he does anything to her the staff intervene instantly and she tells him no that’s not nice and that she doesn’t like what he’s doing with encouragement from staff . However drop off is terrible now she cries and clings to me and begs for me to not leave her although she is fine when I leave and does play and enjoy probably 70 -80 percent of the time her day there as far as I can see/ be told by staff. At home every evening and weekend she obsesses over this child tho and asks if he’s going to be at nursery, she does also watch him while she’s playing elsewhere at nursery but she can do this with other kids at parks etc to or someone is going up the slide she won’t go n will stand and wait and wait until it’s finally empty . The problem is she masks at nursery and does not tell staff anything or share her feelings so as much as they say she’s “ fine” she’s obviously holding in all the anxiety of wondering if he’s going to be nice to her or not or upset her that day . This child is leaving soon as he’s a year older and starting school soon. So I’m hoping that will give her more of a fresh start but I worry she may have the same issues with orher children . My issue is though she does not want to leave me at drop off all the way there she’s anxious not crying but anxious Saying she’s nervous about him being there and saying that she doesn’t want to go and she wants me to stay, she makes me carry her as soon as we get near the corner and grips tightly to me as we approach.
When we get there she no longer says the things that worry her and holds it in and just starts crying when time for me to leave and clawing at me to stay. Now for the last few weeks I’ve been staying anywhere between 10-30 minutes she’s ok with me there but still gets upset when leaving approaches but eventually says bye to me while crying and lets me leave . I’m told she stops within 5-10 minutes. However nursery now want me to drop and run, tell her I’m coming back that irs ok she’s safe and give her a hug and leave, wirh her screaming. I did this from Friday for the one day and it was even more awful. But I’m worried it’s not the best approach for her, but staff are saying there worried the anxiety from worrying about the other child is now turning into separation anxiety from me . They have now started some new things such as a diary for me to no what she’s been doing and a worry teddy for her to cuddle if she feels sad through the day / while she says goodbye to me. The reassure me she’s “ fine” but as she masks how she feels I obviously worry she’s not .shes a close bond with one staff member who I speak to regularly outside of nursery to as we live near each other and talk to her regularly but unfortunately she can’t be her key worker as she is only key worker for the younger babies under 3 . I’ve considered moving nursery’s but again she will mask there how she’s feeling or if something upsets her staff won’t no. If someone’s mean there she will then not want to go there either, and staff may not spot it straight away with her masking her feelings. I’m not sure what’s best to do really and would like advise on the drop and run being the best approach? I personally haven’t been able to leave her that upset and have stayed but staff now want to try me just leaving quickly .. has anyone experienced similar

so sorry for long post but wanted plenty of background as it’s not just leaving me that’s the issue. She used to leave me fine But she can’t let go of previous incidents or any new ones with other children ( don’t get me wrong I understand why!! If your nice to everyone and people are mean it’s not fair at all or nice to have to go back to ) but with her masking I worry she just appears fine but isn’t on the inside and once I’ve left she’s stops crying n everyone’s says she’s fine when I call but I don’t really no that she is. It’s very difficult I don’t want to cause her more anxiety if I leave her without her being ready for me to or on the same breathe I don’t want to also cause her more struggles for school etc if she struggled to leave me but that is another year and a half away ..

Any advise please? Thank you so much

If this was posted a year ago, I would have thought it was about one of my key children.

Very similar worries about other children, having trouble separating from Mum, bottling things up and exploding at home.

What I and her mum found worked was the drop and go approach - it was extremely hard at first and had Mum in tears too, but the upset was short lived. When Mum came in and stayed, the child was far more upset for a much longer time.

You and the nursery are absolutely doing the right thing with the worry teddy and the diary, sounds like they understand her anxiety and are working well with you to help her.

I would encourage her to walk up to nursery rather than be carried, if she has a scooter or balance bike would that be a motivator for something other than being carried? Or something like pushing teddy in a toy buggy? You might find that helps with the initial separation.

Does she have friends that she talks about at nursery? If a child is anxious about another child's behaviour we try to remind them of their friends and positive experiences (of course without minimising their worries and what has happened to them). It sounds like she's particularly fixated on this other boy and his behaviour, which is an understandable reaction - if she's otherwise happy at nursery it's a big deal to move her when what sounds like the main source of her worries is leaving in a short time.

Btw it's also for the best that your friend isn't her key person. Even though she's familiar with your friend there could be an element of unprofessionalism were she to be responsible for your child. It's pretty standard practice for childcare workers to not be key workers for children they know outside of the setting.

I would hope that you're being sent photos of your daughter or otherwise being updated on how she is while she's there? How do they keep you updated? I would also hope that the staff in her room are aware of her worries and anxiety and that her key person is working with her on expressing her feelings, and standing up for herself.

The child I spoke about at the beginning of this post now comes in confidently, is able to tell staff when something is wrong, and says "no, I'm playing with this toy" when necessary! If that gives you some hope for the future 🙂 It's so hard, I've seen it first hand. She will get there. Make sure the nursery know exactly how much her thoughts of this other child is bothering her at home, advocate for her - they've taken some good steps by the sounds of it. I hope she'll be okay. Best of luck.

Hi thanks so much for your reply.

the steps from nursery have only come in to play this last week and I’ve had to have multiple meetings to get to this point.. they wasn’t very helpful until I posted and pushed. I was constantly telling them how upset she is at home regarding the Child and I assessed over him but As she held it in there they said she’s fine. I pushed that she’s very clearly not. He then has to go to the main manager that owns all 3 to get something properly in place.

I may also add the lady we see out of nursery isn’t my friend really, I only stared speaking To her out of nursery once my daughter started there, my daughter regularly runs up to her to say hi while we pass her as our children go to the same school and as we live near we both walk towards the school around the same times in a morning so often bump into each other but I understand what your saying. Our communication out of nursery only started through my daughter and she’s the only one who tells me the truth of what’s going on throughout the day. shes the only one who says “ this and this happened” when she comes to the door where as the others says she’s fine!

I am definitely moving forward now with nursery having plans in place but I did multiple times debate moving her as I just didn’t feel they was under asking or doing enough but I didn’t want to make it harder for my daughter moving her and he’s having the same issues so was at a loss with what to do . Luckily we now have a plan in place.

im so glad to hear the child you had similar settled at nursery in the end, im hopefully the drop and go and the worry teddy may help, next week is her first time doing this for the full week so time will tell how she gets on with this .

did the child also do things like take a step back and let other children go on things before her and easily give up things she wanted to play with to please other people? I don’t no how to get her to build some resilience and also go for it when there playing, she will often sit on the side lines letting Everyone else use the scooters, slides, etc that she wants to play with. She often says she’s waiting for her turn but then her turn never comes as everyone just keeps going if you no what I mean . For example at the zoo the other weekend there was a bouncy castle she wanted to go on, there was other younger children on there she went to climb up and it takes her a little longer but because other children where running up next to her while she was trying and going up faster she got off and kept said she was waiting , in encouraged her to go up and that ir was her turn but she got overwhelmed and couldn’t . She does this at nursery to it’s so sad to see she’s so lovely to everyone but seems to get walked over a lot as she doesn’t have the confidence to go for it . Her brother is autistic and adhd and difficult to handle sometimes yet she’s confident to tell him what’s what at home .. just not other children.

the nursery she attends is small , 10-15 children and they range in age from 9 months to 5. There is only a handful her age, she tends to gravitate towards younger ones that she can mother over. She loves babies. There is one other girl she plays with often who’s a year older but she often does play with other children and my daughter is usually watching the other boy so she runs off playing with other kids while my daughter hanging back if that makes sense. Although nursery says she’s got friends n she mentioned childrens names I don’t think she has any solid consistent friendships with kids he own age.

If I don’t carry her she starts screaming and begging for me to do so, when we approach, I will try the support teddy going in a baby pram from home, but she will want tor take that in to nursery to which is fine but worry other kids will take it from her..

Sorry for the long one
they keep me updated on an app but they only post pics once or twice a week … not multiple times a day or even daily! You’d think they would more when they no I have concerns .. she is usually ok on the pictures,the outside play area of the nursery is open as irs a community centre , I often drive past and she’s usually more on her own when playing pride when I drive past which is sad to see also .. staff do encourage them to do things together in groups

Hm maybe bringing the toy buggy isn't such a good idea after all! Your daughter sounds so lovely and I really feel for her.

did the child also do things like take a step back and let other children go on things before her and easily give up things she wanted to play with to please other people?

Yes, all the time. I spent a lot of time keeping an eye on her and stepping in. She liked the balance bikes but if another child even looked like they wanted hers she'd give it up immediately. I would step in and say "it's actually A's turn right now, could you wait until she's finished?" and encourage A to say "it's my turn". Saying it out loud with an adult supporting seemed to build her confidence.

I did assume from your OP that it was a day nursery kind of setting, not such a tiny mixed age nursery. What would be the alternative if you moved her? With babies and older children in the same room there'll be a lot of adults around, whereas a 24-place preschool room might only have 3. But then again there would be more children her age and more choice for who to play with. It sounds like you're generally not very happy with the nursery, does she have good bonds with the staff? Do you think there will be another intake of preschoolers in September, so more children her age?

It's better for the staff to be with the children and not constantly updating apps and sending photos, but if I had your child I would send extra photos to reassure you, definitely. We do it quite often when children come in upset. I'm sorry she's having such a hard time 😔

Thank you, I’m very up and down with the nursery sometimes I think there handling things well and are a good nursery other times not so much. I can’t decide if it’s right for her or not and I’m not happy it’s taken this long to do something but I am happy there’s now something in place, if that makes sense. I liked the fact they go outdoors a lot and take them to Forrest school because my daughter loves being outside, where as she won’t get this in the school nursery, the alternative would be the school nursery but it is around 25 kids I think and less staff, so I didn’t think it would be ideal for her at the moment as more chance of more things happening with other children and staff not seeing. It’s a tricky one. She does like the staff and I think she does have a good bond with two of them inperticular. They all are just in one room mixed and there isn’t many children there’s 4 staff and I think a new one starting, there has been a lot of staff leaving which again makes me wonder why. Her key workers younger daughter attends she’s probably about 18 months I think, but I do find like yesterday from example when supporting my daughter on hand over her daughter was clinging to her leg and once she went to take my daughter hers started crying so she did pick her up and she was very much involved in it along with settling my daughter and I just think she really needs that first few minutes to be about her settling not just take her off me make her walk when she needs and cuddle and pick up your own child for a cuddle instead.. So I’m not really happy with this either although I totally understand she wants to settle her own child.

im hoping staff encourage my daughter to say it’s her turn and help her deal with these situations when other children take the things she was playing with or wants to go on rather than allowing it to keep happening, although my daughter told me the original child causing problems for her took her seat on the see saw and sat on her space and she didn’t no where to play after that.. I am going to mention in the next meeting after the holidays that I’d like something properly in place to help her with these situations to.

honestly my daughter is so lovely to everyone she’s never been mean to anyone and I do feel terrible on her, it’s just not fair. She just wants to play and children to be nice, she really struggles to stand up for herself / play what she wanes to play if others are there.

yesterdays drop and go went better she didn’t cry but todays was awful again, was so difficult.

as for more starting her age in September I’m really not sure but I do know quite a few more babies are starting, which she loves babies but it isn’t great for the staff then having more younger ones to look after and less time to spend with my daughter and the child she does play with often is leaving in September to as she’s a year older. It doesn’t give many children her age to play with

This might sound silly but what would you advise to do when leaving her when she’s hysterical crying shouting don’t leave me mummy come back mummy etc and saying she wants me.. today was hard as they walked away with her screams got more and the glass is all open so she can see me so I turned back and said it’s ok sweetheart mummy will be back soon and waved and blew her a kiss as she was looking at me over the staff shoulder .. would you say this is right or am I making it worse for her smiling at her telling her it’s ok when she’s not feeling ok… should o just walk straight off no turning back ?

Sorry for the questions irs so difficult

Not silly at all, it's absolutely horrible isn't it? We see it a lot and know how upsetting it is for both of you. During lockdowns we moved to handing over at the door rather than parents coming in with the children, and it worked so well that we've kept it up. You're doing the right thing, try not to show her you're upset or anxious, hugs and kisses - and some children do like to wave goodbye at the window, but if you get into that routine don't forget to do it one day!

Would she respond well to this technique - draw a heart on her hand and one on yours before you go. Tell her that if she feels sad or misses you she can touch the heart and it'll be like giving you a hug. I don't think I'm explaining it well - https://the-motherload.co.uk/the-hug-button/ does a better job

Apologies for resurrecting an old thread but I'm a bit desperate for advice.

After 1.5 years at nursery my son is still crying in at least 50% of instances at the drop off (he's 2.5yo now). In almost all cases, bar a few times, he's fine a few minutes after we've left. He goes there every day so it's not like he's not used to it. He likes his key worker very much and when I pick him up he's happy and they say he was happy playing. We also switched to my DH dropping him off as with me he was worse. But I'm getting emotionally drained by it.

Is it something that I just need to get used to or do people found that something worked for their child at 2.5yo?

I'm also terrified that he will continue like that in reception...

Hopeful bump?

Anyone?