Settling clingy 8mo at nursery: help please!

[Catz]

I'd be grateful on any tips on how to setttle my 8.5mo DD at nursery. I'm going back to work in a couple of weeks and right now I'm seriously considering handing my notice in.

We've had about 8 settling in sessions now (was supposed to be 3) and she's just not improving at all. Generally I take her in and stay in the background for about 30mins whilst she plays with her key worker/other children. She's absolutely fine then but will turn and smile at me every few minutes to check I'm there. Then I'll say goodbye, wave and leave. She then screams inconsolably until the staff come to get me (usually 30 mins or so). I mean full on screaming that I can here whilst waiting in my car outside the building. In the 8 sessions I think there's been a total of 10 mins where she's calmed down a bit (i.e. just sobbing). Yesterday I stayed for the whole time and she played happily for an hour with her key worker but when the key worker tried to give her a cuddle the screaming started immediately and she wouldn't calm down till I took her out of the room.

I don't really know what to do. I keep asking for advice but the staff aren't really giving much guidance as I 'know my own child best'. Would be grateful for any advice at all!

The first couple of months I took my DS to nursery (aged 11mths) he screamed and screamed, but the nursery were quite strict with me, told me to go away, and he'd be fine.

When I'd come back an hour or so later, then a couple of hours, then half a day, they would usually tell me he'd cried for about 20mins, then they had distracted him with food(!- always a winner with him) and he'd be fine after that.
And would grin from ear to ear when I walked in the door. It's a lovely feeling.

Are your nursery being 'strong' enough to handle your daughter? Surely they deal with this all the time.

I really needed to just leave, and not hang about for even a minute. It would only make things worse. Your daughter may be learning that you are supposed to be there, even if you hang about in the bankground for half an hour. She is slowly learning to link that nursery room to you. It's 'her' space. I'm definitely no psychologist, but that might be some of the problem?

I have to admit that I never really left mine not protesting a little bit every time I left him for 18 months (2 days a week)- he is a mummy's boy - but the time it took for him to forget my presence became less and less, until I would barely have walked out the front door and got to the car before he'd turned around to go and play with something..... it was all for effect! to make me feel bad. 100% sure of that!

Now, a little older, he goes to kindergarten and I practically have to beg him for a kiss goodbye- and he's only just turning 3. Thought I'd have lots more years of kisses and cuddles :0)

The nursery IMO should be shoving you out the door, and be getting on with it. It's their job to cheer her up when she is there, and not come running to you because they've had enough!! You are on the end of the phone after all, and it's just going to take a bit of getting used to for her. In the long run, it'll be such a positive thing for her- independence, play, interaction, etc etc etc... She'll soon realise that you come back every day to pick her up again! Honestly, that smile when you walk in the door is SO worth the day at the office.

I have to say 8.5 months is a tricky age

separation anxiety kicks in with a vengeance now so it is hard to tell where the upset with nursery starts IYSWIM

i think your nursery should be well used to dealing with this sort of thing, as bergen says

on an encouraging note you say she played happily with her key worker for an hour

don't hand your notice in yet - you need to give it more time

oh yes, more time needed. I've had a hell of a time settling my 13mo. We started at one place (nursery A) when he was about 7 months. He was fine the first 3 settling in's - then he was quite ill. I think it co-incided with the onset of separation anxiety, because he screamed blue murder from then on. The nursery kept telling me to go away and he'd calm down, but that never happened, resulting in one hysterical little boy, and I'd come back after an hour to find him practically hyperventilating. I asked to stay with him to get him used to his surroundings but they wouldnt have it, and it got to the point where we approached their front door he'd burst into tears. We were trying every day for weeks but it didnt work. So I stopped trying as it wasnt worth his distress.

I started him at nursery B in January. I explained what he was like and said I'd like to stay with him as you are doing. They were brilliant and let me do this for a few weeks (probably about 12+ sessions before they told me to give it a go and leave him for an hour!). I had to creep out or he'd scream again. (not wave bye bye like everyone says) Apparently the first time I left, he looked for me, but didnt burst into tears when I wasnt there. That wasnt always the case though. We gradually increased it to a full afternoon. It took him a while to accept cuddles, nose wipes, nappy changes, feeds and so on, but we also took that slowly and he's ok with it now, apart from nappy - he hates that - but then he doesnt like me doing it either!

He now goes two afternoons a week (I'm breaking him into five afternoons gently) and he still can get very clingy when I take him, arms round the next and down my front kind of thing, wailing when I prise him off, but I give him a few minutes to settle, and the staff do their best to distract him and I disappear quietly. If I have to leave when he's looking, he still gets very upset, but calms down after about half an hour, which seems like a long time, but every time I pick him up he's happy as larry and doesnt want to come with me!

The point of my story is, some children do need the initial comfort of their parent because just leaving them to it doesnt always work, but you do have to make the break at some point. And she will scream. And if she's anything like my DS, he'll continue to scream everytime you leave, but will reach a point where he calms down soon (ish) afterwards. As she is clearly happy with her keyworker now, and she's used to her surroundings, the screaming is obviously for your benefit, because she knows you won't leave her. Thats what I keep telling myself ;)

I still have to ring them up and hour after I leave him to check he's ok (I'm very lucky and work from home so can pick him up if necessary) but he's always fine. They usually tell me he was either fine when I left, or that he was quite upset for half an hour, then fine after that. I trust them to tell me the truth. They've also started taking the litte ones outside to play, which has worked wonders - he's far too distracted to think about me!

Good luck

Thanks for taking the time to give such detailed replies, I really appreciate it. I think DD is probably pretty similar to your DS lynniep

The first session when I left her (after a couple when I stayed) I did the 'put her down then leave smiling' thing but she screamed so much that the nursery suggested staying to settle her a bit more. Unfortunately clearly that's not working (yet?) either.

The baby room leader has said a couple of times that DD needs to see that I 'approve' of where she is and who she's with so I guess that's the theory with me staying. Glad to see it can work lynniep. I can also see your theory though Bergen. I guess what I want is for the nursery to give me pretty strong guidance on what works best in their experience but they seem reluctant to do that. She is pretty clingy but they must have experience of this before, the baby room leader (who has been doing this for decades) did say that DD 'isn't the absolute worst I've ever seen'!

We've decided that tomorrow DH will drop her off at nursery in his lunch break. She is less clingy with him so perhaps might accept it better. If not... I only have a year left on my current contract anyway so if this takes too long it doesn't seem worth the stress for her.

Hope it went well Catz.
OMG I'm babysitting another little boy (same age as DS) this aft. I only know him from swimming once a week but his mum needed to get to an appointment so I said I'd take him. The difference is astonishing - he barely noticed she went and has been happily playing. Wow if only DS was like that!!

I had similar problems with my DS when he was 9 months old. The nursery recommended that my DH try to drop him off rather than me (as he was more used to him leaving home to go to work etc) and also my DH was much better than me at dealing with him being upset.

I would highly recommend it if it's an option for you. Good luck

My ds was very clingy at around 9 months. I was returning to work when he was 11months and tried to leave him with a childminder to see how that went before starting at nursery. Suddenly separation anxiety kicked in big time! it was awful and i felt so guilty - as if i'd somehow made him like that by leaving him with a childminder! She didn't help either by telling me i was going to have big problems when i went back to work!!

As it turned out, nursery was a problem at first. I got my dh to drop him off at first as i'd read that it would be easier and gradually i started to come in with him to drop off too. It settled down over a few months and now he's 20 months old and i have to beg for a byebye kiss and i can't get him to leave at the end of the day!

He is still quite clingy and a bit timid at times, but i reckon that's a good thing as it means he is naturally a little bit cautious!

I think that it is a good idea to be quite firm about leaving them and not show any sign of your own upset. The nursery really should encourage that too.

Thanks for the replies. DH left her on Friday and it didn't seem to make much of a difference this time but he will be doing the dropping off once I'm back at work so perhaps it will help.

In any case, the last two days have been better. I managed to leave her for 2 hours this morning (as in leave the building). According to the nursery she cried for about half of that but it wasn't really full on screaming for most of the time. Apparently she didn't settle for any length of time but calmed down if being distracted by playing/singing etc. She won't eat or sleep for them so they called me back after two hours. I fed her, got her to sleep and went off again, they called me within 10 mins of her waking up to say she was hysterical again....

Definitely not there yet but it's progress. Have lost count of the number of sessions we've done but it's around 10-12. I'm getting a bit frustrated by other parents saying 'oh yet DD was also upset when we first left her but they always calm down once your out of sight' because that's clearly not true here. Glad to hear that other people have had positive experiences from a start like this.