Is my DS not enjoying nursery

[Danni2194]

I need you guys advice. My 2 1/2 year old DS has been going nursery for over 6 months. The other day the manager called me in for a developmental meeting. I went in there thinking he's going to be moved up into the next room, I thought wrong. Apparently he's not been meeting any of the milestones for his age or younger. Also they gave me a list of things he's showing in nursery like:
Lining cars up
Not joining group time
Plays with cars all the time
Doesn't climb the stairs
Hums all the time
Putting his hand over his ears
Says yes for everything
Doesn't follow routine
Plays alone
Copies what you say
No awareness of other children around him
Picky with food
Hides under table and slide for up to an hour! (I was not happy about this one)

They were basically saying he's showing autistic traits. Now they want to do an assessment in the nursery with a health visitor. My problem is 95% of the things listed I've never seen him do when hes outside of nursery. He's a totally different child. He plays with every toy going, in many different ways. Loves all the food I give him, he can climb up and down the stairs by himself. I've never seen him hum or holding his ears. He doesn't line cars up, he loves to play with them though. Yes he copies what you say and says yes most of the time but I thought that's because he's still learning to speak. He needs a lot of encouragement to join in with children playing but wants he comfortable he's fine.
All the milestones that's he's not done in nursery he's definitely done at home or when we're are out and about. I've started to do video evidence to show nursery that he can do this

Everyone I've spoke to says he doesn't show any autistic traits around them. So I'm wondering whether he doesn't like nursery or is very anxious in this setting to be himself. They've never mentioned any of this issues before the meeting which I was really angry about. I thought he was enjoying it but obviously not. I just don't no where to go from here. Do I pull him out or change nurseries, or just see how it goes. I'm definitely going to get the assessment done just so I can show them how he's a totally different person outside of nursery.

If you're otherwise happy with the nursery I'd leave him and see how it goes after the assessment is done. It isn't an insult to suggest he may be autistic, and they're doing the right thing by passing their concerns to you as a parent and to the professionals who are rightly placed to assess. If the assesment comes out as not autistic you can all move on, if he is then you can thank them for getting the wheels in motion early.

They probably haven't mentioned anything so far because they will have been building up a picture of his behaviours - as you mentioned they are all fairly common traits in small children, it's just that all together they CAN point to additional needs.
If you thought he was happy up until now, I really would stick with it.

Children (including autistic children) can act quite differently in different environments. They've made a list of things for a reason and believe me they wouldn't be doing this for fun. There will be more work for the nursery to go down this route. Go with it and see what the outcome is.

The nursery can only tell you what they are seeing in their care. It doesnt mean your child is unhappy there. If you have the assessment done it is likely to be done in both environments so a better picture can be built up.

We have children who behave so differently with us than at home. We have a child doing really well with us but at home is showing very autistic traits. It doesn't hurt to have the check ups done because if support is needed in the future your child has already got initial assessments done or on the waiting list for them.

Very similar with my DS when he was at nursery.
I knew he had traits but there was a lot more going on in nursery.
Like you, I always said but he does it at home, he can do this that etc.

I would go ahead with the assessment.
The waiting lists are long so get his name in the system.
Nursery will only be trying to get him some help.

Having these assessments etc done at nursery have saved a hell of a lot of time since he started school in Sep to get the help he needs.

I would go ahead with the assessment.
Nursery can be over stimulating and could explain why he is displaying these behaviours there but not at home.

I agree that you should go ahead with the assessment. Nursery staff will have experience of many, many children. If they are saying that your ds's development is not following neurotypical patterns, then I would listen.

Your son won't be diagnosed with something he doesn't have.

He may be feeling anxious at nursery and so his autistic traits come to the fore as ways of coping with that. Is doesn't mean there must be something wrong with the nursery though, a nursery is always going to be a busier, nosier, more stimulating environment.
I would think of it the other way round - for you to not see any of this at home you probably have a really lovely, calm environment that he is very happy and comfortable in.
The traits he shows at nursery are pretty convincing so I definitely wouldn't rule it out.

I work in a nursery and I have a severely autistic niece. I also have worked 1-1 previously with an autistic child. This does sound like your child is showing autistic traits and every single one of them I’ve seen in the autistic children I know/worked with.

you shouldn’t dismiss this and just put it down to them not enjoying nursery you need and should support them in their assessments and investigations to get your son the right help.

they would have been evidencing it for a while before reaching where they are now but the fact your child doesn’t play or join in, covers his ears and isn’t aware of others around him is enough for me to say you need to follow this Through and work with them.

Where I am the waiting list for assessment is 2 years. I was wondering about my son since age 2, he only went on the waiting list last September at 5.5. If it had been done when I started to raise my own concerns, he'd have been assessed by now.

As PP said, no harm in getting him on the waiting list! If he is autistic then the earlier he gets support the better. If he's not then no harm, no foul

I don’t know but I would be carefull. Maybe they are right but he’s little and you have time to monitor it yourself. I would be scared that they could make a wrong assumption and from then on out he’s treated differently which could in turn make him feel even more different and cause a problem with his self confidence.

When I was little I was shy and preferred playing alone but I would have been horrified if people labelled me as different. I know it’s not as much of a stigma any more but being typecast can be harmful.

I’d change nurseries and keep an eye. If it’s mentioned again you know there’s something to it.

Hello, this thread is months old and no one has suggested diagnosing the child with anything.

Early years settings don't want to label children and don't treat children any differently when we suspect they have a developmental condition or anything similar. We involve them in activities and care for them identically to every other child. We care just as deeply for them. We just want to help them. That means if we believe they potentially might struggle with their speech, offering extra help. With their behaviour, extra help. We only want the best for every child in our care.

Please don't accuse early years workers of simply wanting to label children and treat them differently. It isn't the case.

What's going on with your child, @ProudMamaBear92? Do you want to talk about it?

Do you know much about the assessment process or how support is given?