Get the impression the staff at son's nursery don't like him

[kkalicekk]

DS1 has been at the same nursery since he was 7 months old. He's now 22 months. He's been going 2 full days a week which has recently dropped to 2 mornings a week whilst I'm on mat leave with DS2.

Now it wasn't my first choice in nursery, there's just a big shortage of Nurseries in the area, some with waiting lists of up to two years, and this nursery is on my way to work.

On balance I've been happy with the nursery, they do lots of varied activites and staff seem mostly nurturing, educated and professional. We've had tricky periods where lots of staff left at the same time and DS1 went through 4 keyworkers in a short amount of time and did not seem happy, cried on drop offs etc - clearly did not have relationship with staff.

We also went through about a 6 month period when he turned one of quite challenging behaviour at nursery, he was being quite 'boisterous' - biting, pushing, this has mostly calmed down now apart from some pushing when he wants something another toddler has. During this period and continuing since then, staff have been quite negative on pick ups, they always have something negative to say about him and focus on this over the positive. DS1 is incredibly active and thrives when there's activities and structure, even staff have noticed that it's when he's bored he'll display the challenging behaviour (which obviously isn't acceptable and we're working on it together).

We're normally the first one at drop off, this morning there was another little girl there first. The staff member was really fussing over this little girl and talking positively to the parents - something we've unfortunately never experienced. They were stood by the pegs and DS1 tried to hang his hat up - the staff member told him to wait quite sternly. DS1 then got a quick hi before moving onto fussing over this girl again.

Now I know I can't expect staff members to like every child the same (I'm a primary school teacher so very aware) but it broke my heart this morning and unfortunately I can't see how it can be rectified. I've been toying with the idea of moving him nursery (especially because I need to sign DS2 up and I'm not sure I want him to go there) but I'm just not sure. When I return to work both will be going 3 full days a week. DS1 seems happy there, he walks in confidently, doesn't seem upset on drop offs, pick ups - however he can't talk yet so I can't be 100% sure he's happy! If I move him I would be limited in my options due to long waiting lists and needing a nursery open from 7.30am. I'd probably have to choose one with a detour from work (would probably add 20-30 mins onto my journey each way).

Am I overthinking this and being irrational? What would you do?

My first reaction is that I don't like the sound of that.

The negative things at pick up – is there significant challenging behaviour that they need to share with you almost every day? Or examples of behaviour that you've agreed to work on together, so they are (possibly) keeping you in the loop? Or is it minor stuff that's part and parcel of working with toddlers and basically just complaining? Even if there's negative stuff they genuinely need to update you on, I would still expect them to balance that with 'he had a great time playing with the trains today and loved singing Old MacDonald at song time' or some cute thing he did or whatever. (Time permitting, there have certainly been times when it's been busy and I've only heard the essential information, not what they've been up to that day.)

Do you go into the nursery at pick-up? If so, could you possibly pick up a bit early a couple of times so you can maybe get a snapshot of how they're interacting with him? I don't have any concerns about our nursery, and I still enjoy that little glimpse into their world.

The fussing over the girl at drop-off might be more about her (DD1 got fussed over when she was struggling with drop-offs, for example; now it's a cheerful but to the point 'hi girls, in you come!'), but I'm struggling to see why they needed to be 'stern' over his hat.

The little girl may be new and needing support which would explain the fussing. I tend to be more low key in greeting the children I know are confident to come in and play happily when there are a few drop offs at once.

At 22mths he is little and it’s unlikely he is doing too much to annoy anyone. Biting and pushing is fairly common at that kind of age so that shouldn’t faze experienced nursery staff.

That seems an awful situation, I would look to move him. Sounds like it's not a good fit for him.

Find a way to just stop by a couple of times when you are not expected. Above all, trust your gut feeling.

Move him. My mum ran a brilliant nursery for years and one of her precepts was that there had to be a warm relationship btwn at least one member of staff in a room and each child, even if it wasn't the keyworker. They're tiny children. They need emotional support as well as activities and practical help.

This sounds awful - and it's when you're watching them. More him.

I had similar and my DS is also boisterous and active.
We took him out, he’s with a childminder now who always takes the kids out and about, doing various activities etc.

Best thing we ever did, he is thriving now

Id consider changing x

I would get him out of there if you can. I had a similar experience with my youngest son. When he was old enough to talk it turned out that they were leaving him crying in a cot for long periods of time. He was too young to tell me at the time but it stayed with him.

I still feel guilty about it now (even though he’s now 18!) but had no idea it was happening otherwise I would have removed him sooner. I would say always trust your gut instinct when it comes to childcare.

@Blueberry40 a very similar story here, and I still feel guilty too

My first question would be, what are you actually doing about his behaviour? They're telling you about it in the hope you back them up and help him to behave differently.

I always wanted to know if DS had done anything like hurting hands as it's really important to respond consistently between home and nursery.

If you're concerned he's not getting the right level of affection though (as a slightly separate but linked problem), you need to raise it with the nursery manager or room manager and raise the issue that he might be acting out to get the attention he sees others getting (presuming you can't change settings as you said it was hard to get a place around your way).

Otherwise, it might be best if he gets a fresh start somewhere else if this is possible. I'd at least get him on a waiting list for next year if you can.

If you can feel it then so can your DS, I absolutely would not leave him there - you have a gut instinct for a reason.

His “challenging” behaviour could also be communicating distress there.

What about a childminder nearby?

I agree with lots of pp's some good points.

You need to move him, I think his behaviour could be related to how he is treated when there by staff. If he's ignored he may be doing something he knows will get him attention even if it's wrong.

One of mine went to private nursery and was labelled as clever since the first rooms staff began caring for her at 9 months. She was more forward than her peers but nothing you'd class as gifted. However everyone through the room changes always said she's clever (to her/ other staff/ family) and even as a 2 year old would show signs she was taking in staffs 'clever' comments. She is now very confident in her school ability's but isn't the cleverest.

It made me wonder back then in the oldest class at nursery when she was 3-4 the impact on a child labelled 'naughty' or 'he bites' or 'he won't listen to anyone' and how adults can so easily push children to think they are a particular way and grow to be this.

Regardless of your ds walking in happy/ not crying- the staff are not responding to him in the way they should be.