Problems with nursery

[Annwhite35]

Im looking for some guidance here please as i feel like this is not ok but my husband is very laid back and doesnt like any hassle so he thinks im overreacting.
My DS has been going to the nursery since he was 2 and he was happy with it and so was i, the staff were great with him. He turned 3 in Sept so they moved him to a preschool room and thats where things has changed. He can be quiet shy at first but overall hes very chatty and happy boy. First of all- couple of times i have spotted looking through the door glass that nobody came to see him or paid any attention for a good 5 mins, he just stood alone not knowing what to do with himself whilst all 3 carers just wondered around. Another morning i took him in and all the kids were sat on the floor in the circle having a story time and one practitioner who was cleaning the tables walked him into the room, but then i saw her just leaving him standing alone right behind 2 practitioners who sat with other kids and again i watched it for a good 5 mins, all of them saw he stood there by himself but wouldnt invite him to sit down with all the kids until i had enough and opened the door and asked why he is still standing there on his own, then one of them pulled his arm and sat him down. That broke my heart, i felt like they were so unwelcoming.
Also one morning i dropped him off at 9am and as a one of asked them to give him breakfast there as that one day he didnt eat anything at home, but they told me that they already put the breakfast stuff away even though it says on the board that the breakfast is served until 9.30am..
And the last one when i picked him up today and he was just not himself, he was very quiet, he was looking down like was about to cry, i asked him if he was okay but he didnt say a word to me just gave me the biggest hug. I asked practitioner whether he is always that quiet and she said yes, most of the time, she also told me that she never heard him talking, which shocked me because he is so chatty! (He goes there 3 full days a week) i always used to think he is fine, because they always tell me he had a good day! She also said that the room is so loud and they notice him but there are lots of other kids with bigger personalities so the other kids gets more attention/gets noticed more basically because they are louder and he is left behind because hes more shy and quiet! I mean that doesnt sound right?
Things just adding up and it feels like they are just there to do the job but dont even try to make any sort of connection with the child and seems very unhelpful and not welcoming and maybe thats why he is so quiet and doesnt want to chat so im starting to doubt whether i need to change something here but i dont want to make any irrational decisions, maybe thats normal? Should i speak to the manager of the nursery, im so lost.

Yes definitely speak to the nursery manager. But also prepare to move him. The staff sound shit. Your poor boy. These are his formative years and he deserves to be with staff who care about him, include him and help him develop. Do you have other nurseries near you? Does he have a key carer at nursery?

I'd start the prep in order to move.

100% raise it. The staff sound shocking.

You’re right to be concerned. Ask to speak to the manager and give 3 or 4 specific examples of when you’ve witnessed poor practice. Also repeat what the worker told you about ‘bigger personalities’.

Work out in advance what you expect them to do to put things right. His key worker should be actively supervising him and, if she’s not there, ask who takes on her role. The manager should make specific suggestions, not just a vague ‘we’ll keep an eye on him.” You should expect to be given detailed feedback at pick up time.

If you don’t get an acceptable response, make plans to move him.

And speak to your husband about backing you up when you have legitimate concerns!

Thank you so much for your reply, i cant tell you gow much it means to me having other mums opinions on this because i feel like im going alone against the world.
I work full time but i am in a very good position because im going on maternity leave after new year so i will be off work so i can keep him with me at home for a while if i really have to, there are plenty of nurseries around i just need to find one that i like. The nursery he goes to its not even local i drive him to the other side of the city because it meant to be one of the best nurseries when i did my research ut since he moved to another room i really cant tell that anymore.

Thank you so much for your reply.

Arrange a meeting with the manager. Be prepared for the manager saying they use child learning. I had to pull my DS out of a nursery as their version of child led learning was letting the kids play all day whilst ignoring them and chatting to other staff. As a result my calm and placid DS spent all day by himself. Also, try to find a smaller setting as it may be the environment is just too loud and busy for him.

Thank you so much for your reply, this gives me such a sense of relief to hear other mums opinions and know that im not overeacting, i had this gut feeling from when he was moved to a preschool room but had no one to talk to about it and my husband kept telling me that he is fine and that im being a bit sensitive, just because he wants to avoid hassle and difficult conversations. I will prepare myself to speak to the manager and will point out things that ive noticed. The nursery he goes to is not local to us, im sure there are lots of different nurseries i just need to a nice one and also he is 4 next september so he could start preschool if i can't find a nursery that he enjoys.

I'd be worried about this. The staff member actually told you that he gets ignored by them because he's shy!? That's awful.
Are they all quite new staff? It sounds like they are either inexperienced which isn't exactly reassuring.
Definitely talk to the manager be polite but firm and mention your concerns and the things you've seen and what your like to change.

You need to have serious words with your husband too. Your child's happiness is more important then him not liking confrontation.

Why haven't they raised with you before that he's not speaking at all in nursery??
That's a real concern
Does he talk in other situations when he's not at home?

Nursery manager here. Definitely raise these concerns. I would be very sad if a child in my setting was not nurtured and encouraged to join in. That is our whole job! The Key Person should know your child's needs and next steps and be able to articulate what they are doing to support them, not just accept that they are getting lost. This level of care really isn't acceptable. There are many nurseries out there with warm and nurturing staff that will be able to help your child thrive in nursery. Good luck.

We always make sure our quieter children are drawn into the group on arrival and they are already coming out of their shells and much more confident and chatty after a half term in the preschool room. It is very easy to let the loud children with demanding behaviour dominate a group unless all the staff make sure to balance the attention all the children get. I personally have quiet children so I’m very aware of making sure those children don’t slip under the radar.

Your nursery should be giving him a lot of positive encouragement to get to know the staff and make bonds with at least one of them so he’s confident to chat and get stuck in.

Id of already moved him, sounds awful. Advocate for him and go in bloody hard !

You're poor boy, no wonder you feel so worried. My DD was very much Thame as your DS in that she was quiet and shy. Our nursery were brilliant though and knew her personality. If you decide to try and work with the nursery, these are the things my DDs keyworker did with her in case youd like to ask the nursery to do some specific things to help your DS:

1. Lots of 1:1 sessions on feelings and behaviours (how to be brave and talk about why you feel sad/worried/happy/shy)

1. They would hold her hand at handover and walk her to the breakfast table and offer a cuddle or sit on their lap for a few mins until she felt comforted

1. They would always feed back the detail of her day to me and what they've done. Things like talking about feelings is something we could then take forward at home too

1. During structured learning time where the groups were bigger (and she'd melt into the background and lose her voice) they'd encourage her to answer and ask other kids who were 'louder' to let her answer

1. We enrolled her in some activities outside of nursery at the weekends to help build her confidence

It took a LOT of effort from all sides but she really flourished and sailed into school with no issues at all.

I'm a childminder and this is horrible to read.
Obviously I'm biased but I'd say look for a good childminder.

This isn't good enough. My pair were welcomed differently, eldest is a reserved and liked a few minutes to settle.

My second used to run in and hug a couple of the wonderful ladies legs 😂.

But in particular with my eldest they were always acknowledged, welcomed and checked in with them and me about breakfast, how their evening was and had they slept etc. They then would generally ask him would he mind helping them with a task, they always explained to me why they took certain approaches.

It made me feel less worried and it definitely helped my eldest settle better. On many a morning if he had a wobble his leader would say, my goodness I don't know what I would do without your help, made him so proud.

My eldest is 16 I still see the creche team and he has very fond memories as do I of them. They are a huge part of his childhood.

I would follow this up. These are qualified trained professionals who know this isn't good enough.

Thats why it came as shock to me because this was the first time ive ever heard this! Everytime i would pick him up they would say that he had a good day and nothing more.

Thank you so much for your response and advice! I have arranged to speak to the manager today so will go in after work and will see what she says, but im not hoping for too much because i strongly believe thats its all down to the staff that works in the room, one old lady in there she barely acknowledges him when we come in the mornings the other one ive never even spoken to, and his key worker seems nice but she barely seem to be around when i drop him or pick him up, i also constantly notice new staff that ive never seen before. So i get the feeling that they are there to do the basic job keeping the children safe and fed and that about it.

I'm glad you are raising it. I don't have anything to add that others haven't already said- but I share those opinions as a mother myself, but also as an early years worker for 15 years.
I was surprised when you said there was an older lady as it really sounded like you were describing those straight out of college not realising quite how important attachment and nurturing is! (Usually comes from good role modeling from experienced staff or higher level study in my experience)

Thank you so much, your message means a lot, hearing other peoples views on this matter made me feel more confident and that my feelings, worries and intuition is valid and reasonable.
Oh no all the ladies in there room are over +35 i would say, one of them is +50 so definitely not straight out of college.