Intense nursery refusal

[Cocteautriplet]

Our 3 year old DD started nursery about a month ago doing 3 hours daily 8.30 - 11.30am. She’s not been to a childcare setting before. Settling went like a dream and I couldn’t believe my luck, she even seemed to make a friend however in the second week (when she realised that this was a regular thing) it all went to pieces and her refusals have got progressively worse.

In the week before half term she refused to get dressed: it took over an hour to get her ready then she then wet herself on purpose so we had to stay again! Then she had a complete meltdown went completely rigid and refusing to get in her car seat. Short of forcing her in and possibly hurting her to get seated there wasn’t anything I could do and we ended up staying home which has reinforced in her mind that if she makes enough of a fuss she gets what she wants but I was broken by that point and we were over an hour late.

Ironically if we can get her in the door to nursery it’s all smiles after about 5 minutes of screaming.

This week I’ve been talking to her all through half term about nursery, trying to reassure her that mummy will always come back but explaining she will have to go in on Monday, I’ve read her nursery related story and promised a treat if she goes in but each time I bring it up she starts crying and saying she hates nursery, that everyone hates her and that the other children are mean to her. I don’t think any of these things are true … there may be some sharing argy bargy but nothing terrible but she can be quite creative when she wants to be.

What should we do? I’m dreading Monday but really want her to settle at nursery as she starts school next year and needs the socialisation. Also I’ve been a SAHM since she was born and I really want some time / need to get back on the career ladder … I’m feeling very stressed!

Have you got someone else, a partner or grandparent, who can take her? My grandson used to be like your daughter but if anyone except Mummy took him he was fine.

I pulled mine out because she hated it. She didn’t eat ( she wanted a sandwich, not fish pie or curry) and she couldn’t nap like she needed to.
I took her to toddler groups instead

That’s a good idea - my husband works from
home so I was hoping he might help me especially with getting her in the car seat and then we can frame it as … let’s go and show daddy your wonderful nursery! Worth a try I guess?

Have you told the nursery staff?

Thanks Dusty … I worried my DD might be the same but I really want her to go. I’m thinking we should try for a few more weeks then look at different settings? How did school work out for you if she was a nursery refuser?

Fine. Because she was going to drop her siblings off, she knew she was going there.

Weight - yes they are being as helpful as they can be … holding her when I go and giving her a lot of attention but obviously they can’t help with getting her to nursery.

DD is my youngest - older two are at secondary. So she won’t have the reassurance of a sibling at primary more’s the pity 😢

I’m wondering if a setting with a child minder might be less stressful for her. Sorry to drip feed but my two boys are on the spectrum and although they always enjoyed nursery I suspect the refusal she is showing may be ASD related.

My now 5 year old little boy did exactly the same. I would get him dressed but the second I left the room he’d take his clothes of insisting he wasn’t going. I’d have to get him dressed kicking and screaming and the same getting him into the car. He would try and run away walking from the car to nursery and I had to chase him around the school playground numerous times but once he was in the nursery teacher said after about 5-10 minutes he was absolutely fine and an absolute delight. This lasted for about 3 weeks and was exhausting and heartbreaking but it eventually stopped and he left nursery with a glowing report and has been ok starting reception and now year one. My little one is extremely strong willed so I just made sure no matter how late I was he still went in. I let the nursery staff know how we were struggling so they knew why we were late. Good luck it will get better. I’m about to do it all over again with number 2 🙈

Hi everyone just doing a bit of an update as things have turned into a bit of a 💩show and I’m feeling very sorry to myself.

First few days after half term actually went better than expected- we got through the nursery doors successfully for a few days although she was quite subdued when I picked her up but then she had an argument with another child who threw a wooden bus at her nose resulting in a black eye. She then came down with the most horrible virus which included an infected eye (maybe related to the accident? And we haven’t been in since Wednesday last week. She’s also really really clingy and won’t go to anyone else … I’m sick now too and I’m beyond exhausted. She says she is terrified of the boy that hurt her.

She’s still pretty sick so I’m expecting her to be off for a few more days at least . She’s completely adamant that she hates nursery … she’s never said anything positive since we’ve started leaving her which is heartbreaking! Next week is going to be disrupted too as she’s having her preschool booster on Monday and one of the nursery team are immune suppressed and can’t be exposed to vaccinated child for a few days following a jab.

I’m becoming more and more convinced some of her separation anxiety is autism related but the cherry on the top is a referral I requested with the GP back at the beginning of the summer was sent to Camhs by mistake (stupid muppets) and they only assess older children so I’m back to square one.

Its comforting to hear of children like my DD who successfully settled but in my gut I think we’ve got a hard road ahead of us.

Nothing has ever been simple with any of my children and I wish I could just catch a break! The mornings she goes to nursery are so beneficial to my mental health … I get to do stuff uninterrupted and quickly, I get to exercise and have appointments with my mum who has dementia but I’m riddled with guilt that she’s having a dreadful time 😢

Should I start looking for a childminder setting? I only qualify for 15 hours a week as I don’t work and I’m a currently a carer for my elderly mum on top of everything else. I can’t afford to pay for more.

Thanks for reading

I'm a childminder I would try it as a gentle transition away from you but in a small friendly environment you don't want long term school refusal we follow exactly the same standards as other settings but in a more familiar way.
They can also support you in your referral.

I would look at a childminder. Ours never went to nursery - we found a childminder we liked and he started going to her at 9 months. He went to her 2-3 full days a week (my work varied) until he was 4 and then before and after school - left when he was 10 (years), still talks to the childminder in the school playground each morning. I guess there are bad childminders, but generally it is a smaller setting, more following up of the kid's individual interests, and less busy. Once my boy was old enough, the childminder would always talk through the day's plan in the morning and build in things each child enjoyed. They did lots of things with the childminder, but in busier places too - parent and toddler groups; childminder stay and plays; trips as their group but to a busier place like farms, playgrounds, soft plays etc, so your girl wouldn't just be in the childminder's house with the same 4 other kids all the time.

@Cocteautriplet hi, just found your thread, can I ask how you are doing?

No probs Butcher 😀. So she’s in her final term ( last 2 weeks) of nursery now before starting school in September. She now gets dressed in the morning with no problems and will get in the car (as she wants to stay with me) when I’m dropping the boys to their school but she still says (without fail) that she doesn’t want to go to nursery and there will be some kind of friction going in.

Sometimes it’s as little as following me back out of her home room until her teacher carries her back but sometimes it’s a complete meltdown with kicking screaming and tears.

She always settles pretty quickly and enjoys playing with her friends after I leave but it’s a bit gutting when I leave her in distress. I often phone nursery to check she’s ok about 10 mins later. She’s also pretty mad with me sometimes when I pick her up and will run away from me 😥

School is the next big challenge on the horizon. She’s visited her new primary a few times with me or dad and likes it so far but sadly none of her existing friends will be there with her. We’ve got a phased start and wont be full time until 16.09 but it’s still a very long day in comparison to what she’s used to.