Teacher didn't let 3 year old go to toilet when needed

[Fjrmum2]

I'm feeling a bit upset and wanted your thoughts about an incident at nursery today. My 3.5 year old son has just started pre school (a new class within the same nursery he has been attending since he was little). We love the nursery and he is a happy sociable boy. He has been potty trained for almost a year with only the odd wee accident here and there, and not for quite a while now. Anyway today I picked him up from nursery at the end of the day and when I lifted him into the car he felt damp. I didn't say anything as I wasn't sure if he was just very sweaty or had had an accident. Later at home, completely unprompted, he told me that he had done a wee in the classroom today in his pants by accident. I obviously said don't worry it's all ok but I asked why his teachers hadn't changed his clothes and he told me that he had asked to go for a wee but was told no not now as they were about to read a story. He said he tried to hold it in but couldn't and so he weed through his pants and some went out onto the floor. He then told his teachers there was wee on the floor and the teacher said no it's not it's water from the play tray. And clearly they either didn't believe him or check his underwear because he was still in damp shorts/pants when I picked him up. This is very very unusual. They are usually great about changing clothes etc. and nothing like this has ever happened before. I understand the classroom is a busy place and things like this can be missed. What I'm bothered about is that he was told to wait to go to the bathroom because they were about to read a story. Do you think that is normal for preschool? To make him sit through a story and hold his wee even though he's said he needs to go? I just feel like that's so young to be expected to do that. What are your thoughts? Should I mention something to the nursery?

You need to speak to the teachers. I am a teacher and in the past, children have told their parents that I didn't let them go to the toilet when it wasn't true. One child asked us just as he was wetting himself. We literally had no idea that he needed the loo until he stood in front of us and clearly hadn't made it. We received the most horrible message from his parents as he told them he had asked us to go and we said no. We would never, ever deny a child a request to use the bathroom as we know that kids have little bladders and it's an immense hassle getting them changed compared to just letting them go. As they get older we ask 'is it urgent or can you wait for 5 minutes?' but all nursery teachers will know 3 year olds can't wait.

As a parent, I've also taken what my own children have said at face value and when I spoke to the teacher I got another side to the story. So my advice is stay calm, and speak to the teacher with an open mind.

I would email and ask for a bit more info from them about what happened, explaining what he’s told you. It certainly doesn’t sound okay but of course there could be more to it.

Check with the teacher. I teach Y6 and once had a nurse call me at school to ask why I wasn't allowing a child in my class with bowel issues to access a toilet when needed. I was. They were allowed to go to the toilet whenever, no questions asked, but they told the nurse I wouldn't let them. Sometimes kids doesn't tell the whole story!

Absolutely. Its total neglect. Young children need the toilet and there's no time frames for this. It's appalling. I work in a nursery if a child needs to go I say go.

How many children are in the class? I ask because there’s a ratio of children to supervisors. Should there have been a second adult supervising, who could have taken the child to the loo?

We let them go whenever they need to, they aren’t capable of waiting long - especially at nursery where they might be busy playing to the last moment.

Calmly mention it to the staff.
As others have said, little dc can mis-remember
It would be a very unusual thing for a 3 yr old to not have free access to the toilet.
It would, however, be a fairly common thing for a 3 yr old to be focusing on something they are enjoying and not take themselves when they need to go.

I'd mention it so if he asks to go they will let him.

When a three year old needs a wee it is normally straight away 🤷‍♀️So yes I would be annoyed and would speak to nursery.

As above, definitely check.

My 3.5 told me he wasn’t allowed to go to toilet but when I checked with him again, it transpired he wasn’t allowed to wee standing up - they asked him to sit down.

Yes there are two teachers. My son said that after he did the wee on the floor he told the other teacher that there was wee on the floor. I don't think he told her that he had done the wee because her response was to tell him to go and wash his hands (rather than her change his clothes etc.). But then the other teacher (the main teacher who had been reading the story) said no don't worry it's not wee it's water from the play tray. This is what my son told me anyway!

Just double check with the teacher. As a teacher, I can't recall the amount of furious parents who have come to my door to complain about something that didn't happen.

Thanks everyone. As many of you have advised I will speak to the nursery. I realise it's possible things didn't transpire exactly as he described. But it is odd. He very rarely has wee accidents. And he even more rarely tells me about anything that happened at nursery - it's usually like trying to get blood from a stone! So clearly it has bothered him, whatever the circumstances. I'm pleased you all seem to agree that if it did go down this way, then it's not appropriate for him to be told to wait. I have a really great relationship with the nursery manager and teachers and they have always been so supportive, so I certainly won't go in all guns blazing by any means. Just wanted to get a feel for what others thought before speaking to them. Thanks again everyone.

As a separate point, I would want to speak to the nursery anyway as they have clearly left him in wet clothes without changing him.

It may or may not have happened that way, in my experience young children can worry they are going to get into trouble over something and so do quite often embellish what happened a bit. As you say I wouldn't go in angry, I'd simply explain he had an accident can they make sure he pops to the toilet reasonably regularly. He may well have been nervous he'd be in trouble for the accident/disappoint you and so over compensated in telling you about it.

I remember when I was 3 (maybe 4) in primary 1 I needed the loo (it was almost home time).

Teacher didn’t let me and I did pee on the chair. It was those plastic ones and I remember we used to put our chairs on the table at the end of the day and I carefully put my puddle-covered chair up on my desk.

since this was almost 50 years ago and I still remember it, it obviously left a mark.

Yes this is a good point. Sometimes, kids are actually telling the truth. I am 35 now and still remember an incident at nursery where I wanted a staff member to just come with me to the toilet as I was lacking in confidence. She refused and told me to go by myself, and I ended up wetting myself.

I'd speak to the teacher.

I've worked in a few nurseries and to be honest it isn't uncommon for children to be asked to wait because of story time/meal etc.
Personally I don't like it and would always let children go. But I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear this happened.