At my wits end - move 3 year old out of nursery to childminder?

[Acb1]

Hi there,

Just to follow on from my last post in November last year, my now 3 year old is an absolute nightmare at drop off and I am honestly close to having a breakdown. My DD has been attending nursery for 13 months, she cried for the first 8 but settled for 3 months. I thought we'd moved past the crying at drop off, however, for the past two months she's back to crying every morning at nursery and its worse than ever - the only reason I can think of is that there's been a big turnover of staff recently but I honestly can't take it anymore. I'm told from the nursery staff that she has a lovely day, settles 5 minutes after I leave and she's fine at pick up. I've spoken with DD about nursery and she's positive about the nursery some days, others she tells me she doesn't like it. She tells me she doesn't want to go because I leave her.

Ive tried everything I can think of to make things easier for her: stay and play at nursery, speaking to staff, being very positive, quick goodbye at the gate - nothing makes a difference. She's what you would probably refer to as a 'velcro' baby; she needed held for every nap, still sleeps in our bed, and she's basically my shadow when we're together. I really regret putting her to nursery and wish I'd put her to a childminder to begin with but I thought at the time I was doing the right thing.

Has anyone been in this situation and moved your child from nursery to a childminder and did it make a difference? My husband isn't keen and thinks she will/should come round eventually, but he's not the one having to drop her off! I'm really worried that I move her and it won't make a difference/makes things worse. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hmm, it's a tricky one! Unfortunately there are two ways to look at this. She could struggle in a busy? Setting like a nursery and a smaller setting may bethe best, like a smaller nursery or pre school, or even childminder. However, it may make no difference and she might just want to be with you, especially as you've said she's a 'velcro baby'.
Does she really setlle within 5 minutes? My son cries on drop off but within a minute or 2 he has fully stopped and the childminder sends a photo on the bad days so I fully know that he's happy (her choice to do that, i didn't ask).

I'm a childminder and can tell you that some children just really struggle with handover/transitions. Does she talk about nursery? Who and what she plays with, her lunch etc? If yes I'd think she's ok and it's the handover which she finds difficult.
If she doesn't I would be more concerned. If she's already 3 will she go to school nursery in September? I wouldn't make a big move before that. If she has another year, it could be something to consider.

You sound a lovely mum and don’t beat yourself up about what nursery /care you decided on - your nursery is great I’m sure.

I mean this in the gentlest nicest way - but I think you answered your own problem by saying she is your shadow and still sleeping in your bed etc. She needs to learn to become independent from you and that starts at home. I would wait until she settles again at nursery (the “new” staff will soon be old, and if she settled once before she will again), then in a few months I would start giving her some independence and stop the bed sharing etc. Don’t move her again now - you’ll be back to square one. Good luck!

I basically agree with the previous posters, it sounds like it's the transition away from you rather than actually settling at nursery. Does she separate from you for other things? Swimming/dance/gymnastics/whatever classes? Time with just her and Daddy or a couple of hours at her grandparents?

If possible with work schedules, you could try having her father drop her off instead if she separates from him more easily.

My DD just turned 3 and has been going to nursery since September last year, was fine for the first 2 months but since then she cries at drop offs but is fine after 5 minutes so I’m not too worried.

As long as she settles after 5 minutes and isn’t crying the whole time I’d say she’s doing it because she can (as does my DD). I’ve asked her why she cries and she laughs and says ‘because I have to’. 😂

As you’ve said she’s very attached to you so I think you’d have the same problem with a childminder. I think you just need to stick with it.

If she settles after 5 minutes (and I’m sure the nursery wouldn’t say that if it wasn’t true) is the crying at drop off a huge issue? As a PP said, you’d have the same problem with a childminder.

I may have said this on your previous thread but my 3.5 year old is still like this. Every day this week he's been in tears and shouted at me that he doesn't want to go. He's fine once he gets to nursery though. I just ride it out. He loves nursery when he's there, he just struggles with transitions a bit.

Thank you all for your lovely messages, it really has helped put things into perspective. I won't move her and may just have to ride out the crying, it's just so so hard. I - stupidly - never considered I may be part of the problem with the sleep issue. She does settles within 5 mins, the nursery send pics through the app and unfortunately, having someone else drop her off isn't an option. Sounds like something I'll just need to put up with for now.

Even if she settles after 5 mins it must be so hard for you to see her crying every time!

Have you tried asking the staff if there's any tips - does she like helping with anything? could you have a word with her keyworker and see if there's a little job she might like to do every morning she's in? Just might help her have something else to focus on when arriving at the door and break the habit?

Or maybe a particular game her and keyworker could play as soon as she's in? She needs to create a new routine, something that's predictable so she feels more secure leaving you.

Have you tried a reward chart for no tears in the morning? Can again sometimes break the habit if it only even works for a little while.

Good luck OP. I can sympathise, 2 of mine were like this. Persevere though because it will really help her prepare for school. Consistency is key I'd say.

I wouldn't worry about the bed sharing too much, but at 3 she might be excited to get her own bed/room, if you make a bit of a fun fuss about it, and gradually spend more time in there. Our 5 year old still comes padding through to us in the middle of most nights, but our 8 year old doesn't and hasn't for years. None of these stages last forever.

If you are happy with the nursery overall, I wouldn't move her. It sounds like the crying is part of her processing the transition, and is a habit she's got into, but it likely would only change if you got someone else to drop her off, and if that's not an option there's not much you can do. Just try to keep the handover very brief and immediate rather than a drawn out process. There are lots of children's books out there about going to nursery and leaving parents, who then always come back. I think the emotional changes from 3 to 4 are huge, and as I said, this stage won't last forever.