DC struggling to settle and clingy with nursery workers

[Irishpoppy]

I hate using the word clingy but needs must. My son started nursery at 18 months. He had a tough start with sickness etc but has been going 2 days a week for the past 5 weeks. He has stopped hysterically crying when we drop him off but the nursery staff say he is quite unsettled during the day and basically wants to be with a member of staff at all times. He has no siblings and enjoys a lot of time with both myself and my DH. We thought his behaviour was quite normal but the staff’s comments are making us feel that we’re doing something wrong. He is very attached to both myself and his dad but to be honest, that’s what we have wanted because that’s what he needs right? Has anyone else experienced similar behaviours with their children starting nursery? Did they settle eventually? I feel like I’m letting my son down because I can’t fix this for him.

It's normal for very young children to want to be with an adult all the time - it's totally natural for them to try to form attachments with adults to keep themselves safe, especially when there are lots of adults involved in their care.
In a nursery setting though it can cause a problem logistically for staff and some nurseries are more aware of attachment needs than others.

Are staff commenting on his 'clinginess' like it's a problem for them, or are they understanding that this is because he is feeling unsettled?

Hi @alyceflowers thanks for your message. So the lead member of staff has made several comments about it and implied it’s a problem ‘we can’t give him all that attention’ ‘we’ve other children to look after too’. Obviously I know these things are true but I guess my feelings are that this must happen a lot and it will ease?

Awwww I’m sorry. It makes you feel so awful doesn’t it. My DS still cries at drop off every morning and he’s nearly two and been there for a year! The staff assure us he’s fine after one minute however so different to yours.

The staff aren’t sounding very sympathetic. I’d be cross about that. Have they actually suggested anything or are they just moaning about it?

DS did struggle to settle and the manager suggested to us three days instead of two, and it did work. I just picked up extra shifts at work to cover it but appreciate that’s not possible for everyone.

We also talk about nursery a lot and all the things he does and will do and talk about his key worker etc, sort of getting him excited.

Could you ask for a meeting with the manager or room leader to come up with a plan?

At eighteen months he was very young to start nursery. I do realise some parents have little choice because of work but if possible, a play school scenario from about two and a half onwards a couple of mornings a week is sufficient. In my opinion of course. The way your little boy behaves seems quite normal to me, all kids are different. What suits one does not suit another.

Sounds like it’s the wrong setting for yr child, try a home from home setting like a childminder or get a nanny, some children never settle at nursery/preschool as it’s an unnatural environment.

It sounds like the leader's attitude is 'don't pick the babies up too much or they'll get clingy' which can be quite a common attitude in nurseries sadly.
Avoiding babies making a bond with anyone in particular or getting used to too much attention so they're easier to manage.

Personally I would look for a childminder so he can settle with one consistent person.

The clinginess eases either when the baby makes secure attachments and feels safe and settled - or when they give up trying.

Five weeks twice a week is only ten times, that’s not a lot in terms of settling. He is doing so well to have settled and be ok at drop off. I’m quite cross on your behalf that you are getting feedback that this is a problem. It’s normal. When I collect from nursery I often find the manager pottering round doing phone calls or something whilst cuddling my daughter. Their view is she has bonded well with the manager and attachment and affection are important so they do what they can to give that contact and reassurance. I would talk to them and if they continue to suggest they can’t support what he need, would look for another setting.

He’s probably better suited to a childminder or change to a smaller nursery possibly. My son hated nursery at times but got better as time went on.
Just give him lots of reassurance and talk to him about how he is feeling. Poor wee thing.
Not all kids like nursery unfortunately.

This is totally normal OP. Truthfully what’s convenient and works well for the staff won’t always be what works best for the child and this is why I feel quite strongly that ratios shouldn’t be increased (I digress).

At that age my eldest wasn’t settled very well and found it difficult to express his needs at nursery - he spent the whole day really quiet and didn’t engage much with the adults. He came out his shell at around 2. I think your son’s behaviour is preferable - it shows IMO that hes seeking comfort from the staff which is what you’d expect.

My youngest (similar age) is more independent and seems to cope better at nursery, but thinking of his behaviour at home he still wants to be around me a lot of the time.

Thanks for all the advice and especially the support!