1yo first day & mum guilt

deedee89 · 2023-01-09T21:49:40+00:00

Evening all My DS started nursery today. He is 13 months. He will be going 3 full days as I have to return to work. Today was his first full day. 8am-5pm And Omg he looked so sad when I picked him up. He was in a corner looking knackered and just sad. It broke my heart. They said he's had a good day. Cried for a little bit every now and then, and had 15 mins of sleep. I just feel so guilty now 💔 due to go back tomorrow morning and I just can't do it. How can I leave him again?! He looked awfully tired and pale and scared. I keep thinking he's sat there all day thinking where's mummy and why did she leave me here. Any words of encouragement? 😞

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beeny · 09/01/2023 21:55

Poor you. If you feel happy about the staff then he has probably been fine most of the day.
You will feel it more, don't be too hard on yourself. He obviously has a great mum.

Original poster

deedee89 · 10/01/2023 08:37

beeny · 09/01/2023 21:55

Poor you. If you feel happy about the staff then he has probably been fine most of the day.
You will feel it more, don't be too hard on yourself. He obviously has a great mum.

Thank you! The nursery staff seem nice and I know he's safe and looked after. But for some reason it doesn't help with the guilt 😞
Just dropped him off this morning and he was a little reluctant to go to them but didn't cry so I guess that's a good thing xx

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NatMoz · 10/01/2023 08:58

So my baby 13 months started nursery a couple of weeks ago. The first day she was the same. Hadn't slept all day, red face, red eyes, tired and upset looking.

The second day she slept 40 mins.

The third day an hour.

Now a couple of weeks on she slept for 1.5 hours, has a big smile on her face when we pick her up and babbles non stop. Is hyper with excitement when she gets home, running around like a loon. Her development has increased at an amazing rate and she seems to love nursery.

I think the first day is hard for all babies but they soon adapt and learn to love it!

mummabubs · 10/01/2023 09:15

I've done this rodeo twice now with my 5 and 1 year old. The first day I dropped my son off I sobbed all the way to work and was a wreck all day. My mum stopped working when she had me and my sisters (not a financial option for me) so I felt extra guilty about it. The settling in time is so hard but I promise you'll both come out the other side. Both of my children love/d going to nursery after they settled and literally don't want to leave some days! I think over time we really saw the benefits as well ib terms of social interaction and learning about the world in ways we wouldn't have done if they were at home with me. Be kind to yourself and your little one ❤️ Presumably you're going back to work for good reasons- to provide financial stability for your family, your own career development, so that your child can get lots of new experiences etc. X

Original poster

deedee89 · 10/01/2023 10:51

Thanks so much. Sounds like once they adjust to the change they love going. Hopefully it will be the same for my LO 😊

No call from nursery yet. They said they'll let me know if he struggles so hopefully he's doing well

I keep thinking about him and doing 0 work

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kikisparks · 10/01/2023 10:55

My DD is the same as others here, really struggled going to nursery, it was hard far about a month to be honest but she loves it now and is happy to go in and happy when she comes home. She still doesn’t sleep much there though!

MargaritMargo · 10/01/2023 10:57

Aww it’s really hard! On the positive side, nursery really helps their development I’ve found. Also it improves their social interactions and ability to relate and cope in social situations. They make lots of friends and their speech tends to come along quickly.

It is really hard but you have to focus on the long term benefits of you working and having a secure home life.

Also don’t forget - nursery workers are trained professionals! They know far more about babies and children than most parents lol. Whilst nothing can replace mummy, you will hopefully find that your child forms strong bonds with the nursery staff and they become almost like a second little family. This has been my experience and although it was hard, now kids are school age I can absolutely see the benefits of nursery and pre school.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/01/2023 11:20

My eldest went to nursery 2,5 days a week from the age of 1 and she thrived in there- my youngest is still at home at 2yrs old, and tbh I can see we're going to have a huge struggle putting her in childcare soon. She is very clingy and not as friendly or sociable as her sister. I think nursery is great for children.

SunshineClouds1 · 10/01/2023 21:23

How was his second day?

Truthfully the first week is awful, for you both. May take two weeks etc.
whilst not as young as your DC, my child had to be pulled off me his first week, crying his eyes out. Once he settled he ran in without giving me a second look.

It does get better for you horn

SunshineClouds1 · 10/01/2023 21:23

Both

Original poster

deedee89 · 10/01/2023 22:10

SunshineClouds1 · 10/01/2023 21:23

How was his second day?

Truthfully the first week is awful, for you both. May take two weeks etc.
whilst not as young as your DC, my child had to be pulled off me his first week, crying his eyes out. Once he settled he ran in without giving me a second look.

It does get better for you horn

Thank you for asking.

They said he did much better today. Cried a little but less than yesterday and he ate more which was great to hear. Again he didn't sleep for more than 10 mins so was absolutely knackered but tried to spend the evening just cuddling him and giving him 100% of my attention until he went to sleep so he knows he is loved and That I've missed him too.

Third day tomorrow and I'm really nervous again but I think I'm better than I was at this point yesterday night ❤️ hopefully he starts loving it. I think he's well overtired as he's not having the best night so far, he keeps waking up crying 🥲

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Mostlygrumpy · 10/01/2023 22:39

I just wanted to send solidarity to you. My little one had to go to nursery for 3 days a week from 5 months old. Like you it broke my heart. No one explains the guilt when you are pregnant. It's just all the happy stuff!

Do you know what, he will be fine. You will stress and worry till the cows come home but now my daughter is 5 and at school and she still thinks and talks about her "key workers" at Nursery. Please try not stress too much. As long as he is well looked after he will be ok. So will you x

beeny · 11/01/2023 19:53

Hope you are ok ?

wigywhoo · 11/01/2023 20:00

My DS is 14 now and towers over me - I can remember DP and I in tears as we left him for his first half day (week of half days followed by a Full Time 3 days per week). 10 months old. We felt wretched. A few days later he was quite happy going in. Don't worry

Raspberry290 · 11/01/2023 20:02

15 minutes of sleep the whole day!? Have they said what they tried to settle him?

Original poster

deedee89 · 11/01/2023 20:04

Thanks everyone. He did a little better today.

Had an awful night last night, he was awake pretty much all night and wouldn't let me put him down. Almost as if he was scared I've left 🫣 and has already got a nasty cough (I guess I better get used to it) but hoping very much for a better night.

We're both at home tomorrow so will make sure we have the best time and catch up on cuddles over the next few days

Then back to square one on Monday 🥲

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Original poster

deedee89 · 11/01/2023 20:06

Raspberry290 · 11/01/2023 20:02

15 minutes of sleep the whole day!? Have they said what they tried to settle him?

Yes, even today he slept for a total of 20
Mins. At home he usually gets 1h30-2h30 so it's very unusual. He is absolutely knackered.

He goes to sleep with a dummy and they said they've tried patting his bottom but he wasn't having any of that

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Raspberry290 · 11/01/2023 20:10

Poor thing. What’s his attachment like with you generally? Children with good parental attachment do tend to fare better at nursery. They aren’t as anxious or distressed by time apart from their parents as those with less secure attachments. I’m not saying this is the case for your son but definitely something to think about

Sillyheadoooooo · 11/01/2023 20:25

It’s day 3!! Don’t be thinking you don’t have a secure attachment 🙄 it’s just all brand new - brand new noisy busy environment, sleep situation, food, people, kids, time away from mum etc etc plus it’s a whole host of brand new germs maybe starting to make him feel a bit under the weather.

It will get easier, he will get more used to the concept of you dropping and as he gets to know their daily routine and what is expected of him when (e.g eating, sleeping, continuous provision). Does he sleep in a pushchair at home ever? If so, ask them to try it for sleep if sleep mats aren’t working. 15 mins for a 1 year old is going to cause trouble and it might help his transition.

1 year olds are really adaptable, if it’s a good nursery, he’ll love it in no time but expect settling to take a couple weeks, especially as there will be sickness.

Original poster

deedee89 · 11/01/2023 21:04

Raspberry290 · 11/01/2023 20:10

Poor thing. What’s his attachment like with you generally? Children with good parental attachment do tend to fare better at nursery. They aren’t as anxious or distressed by time apart from their parents as those with less secure attachments. I’m not saying this is the case for your son but definitely something to think about

What does a less secure attachment mean?

He has always been fine to be left with grandparents or aunts but if I am around then he prefers me if that makes sense

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Original poster

deedee89 · 11/01/2023 21:07

Sillyheadoooooo · 11/01/2023 20:25

It’s day 3!! Don’t be thinking you don’t have a secure attachment 🙄 it’s just all brand new - brand new noisy busy environment, sleep situation, food, people, kids, time away from mum etc etc plus it’s a whole host of brand new germs maybe starting to make him feel a bit under the weather.

It will get easier, he will get more used to the concept of you dropping and as he gets to know their daily routine and what is expected of him when (e.g eating, sleeping, continuous provision). Does he sleep in a pushchair at home ever? If so, ask them to try it for sleep if sleep mats aren’t working. 15 mins for a 1 year old is going to cause trouble and it might help his transition.

1 year olds are really adaptable, if it’s a good nursery, he’ll love it in no time but expect settling to take a couple weeks, especially as there will be sickness.

Thank you. Yes I do think it's all still very new for him. I can tell he's not himself since starting. As even now he's sleeping on me which he never ever does. He's always preferred his cot.

Hopefully in a couple of weeks he will be more settled. It's all very new for us both. He probably has a little separation anxiety and I've got all the guilt. Of course my DH has none of the above 😂

He doesn't sleep in a pushchair. He never did. Have always tried taking him for long walks at nap time but he was always more interested in what's going on around him. But he sleeps (usually) really well in his cot xx

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sjxoxo · 11/01/2023 21:13

@deedee89 im in France where lots of babies start crèche at 12 weeks. I had my baby boy a year ago now, and whilst I couldn’t bring myself to start him at 12 weeks, I did at 9 months when he started going 2.5 days a week. That was back j. September- the start was hard, but after probably 2/3 weeks he settled right in and now he enjoys it. His speech has really come on an unbelievable amount, he enjoys the other kids and staff. I look forward to picking him up and it’s brought him on development wise loads. Does he have a blankie or something he can take? DS has a blankie and a music box which we have the same at home - I bought 2 - so he can have that on when he goes for a nap. The start is very hard and it’s tiring for them but he will adapt!! Every mum I knew here who had their baby about the same time as me went back to work and into crèche at 12 weeks.. it’s the norm here and they think I’m really precious!! Telling you this as it offers another perspective on what’s normal. If you are really worrying ask all the questions you need to and don’t be afraid to say what you’re concerned about to the staff or manager; they’ll be happy to talk to you about it all Xxxxx

Otterleaf · 11/01/2023 21:27

It's all very new and a big change, only natural for him to find it a bit stressful and impact his sleep/eating. He will be fine once it's all a bit more familiar and the routine is more predictable for him. You sound really attentive and caring, make the most of your days off together and know that each week will get easier.

TheChippendenSpook · 11/01/2023 22:37

It sounds like he's doing really well. Don't ever think that him finding it tough to settle in is any reflection on his attachment to you at all. He's got a very healthy attachment to me. He knows you're not there and is missing you.

I worked in nurseries for 20 years and every child was different at settling. Don't be worried of you're back to sqaure one on Monday as it will probably take him a few weeks to settle and get used to his new routine.

Regarding his sleep, it is often one of the last things to click into place but he will get there. It might even be that the nursery workers find a different way to get him to settle whilst he's in their care.

For what it's worth, I took my two with me to work and my second was 11 months when I went back to work and I still felt guilty putting him in a new environment with new people, even though I was around so I can imagine it will be very hard for you but you'll both 'get there.'

gemloving · 11/01/2023 22:45

I couldn't drop mine at nursery so despite me having paid the deposit at the nursery, afte two settling sessions, i hired a nanny during the pandemic for a year and then settled for a childminder in a friendly and wonderful home setting which worked wonderfully. My youngest and oldest go to the same childminder now, both are so happy.

Don't forget that if you do like the nursery, he will adjust and he will love it.