Would you send your DS to nursery if…

[lubellabee]

He (3 yrs old) loved it to start with as he was so excited to play with the new toys, try new things etc, play with new friends and teachers. After a few weeks he is so sad and is begging me not to send him (he speaks like an adult). He and the staff have both told me that the teachers don’t play with the children (the staff have confirmed this as they want children to play side by side so they step back), so he tells me he is very lonely. I told him to ask his key worker to play if he was on his own and he did but the teacher pulled me aside to explain that she couldn’t do this and would continue trying to step back after a few minutes of play. I understand they are busy and prepping kids for school and on a side note I do believe they are a very good nursery - perhaps this is usual practice?

I understand nursery is an ideal environment for prepping kids for school and that’s fantastic - but I’m finding it hard to believe that playing on his own in an unknown environment is more beneficial for him compared to lovely days out with myself and his little brother (we see lots of other children, play outside, visit castles, gardens, play groups etc - just generally have a lovely time - I work in the evenings so this doesn’t impact on our days).

I understand not going to nursery might make the school transition harder but I feel if we are going to have a tricky time at one stage why not delay it when he is older and let him enjoy life as he loves and knows it now!

(They picked him up and took him in screaming mummy for me last time and feel so guilty that I let them take him - he continued calling for me once the gate had closed. I know he did enjoy some activities once he had calmed down. He’s very anxious about being sent back and goes very quiet when anyone else broaches the subject).

in case relevant he is brilliant, lovely, kind, caring, super clever and just a joy to have around (I wouldn’t have sent him in the first place if there wasn’t pressure to push 3 year olds in preparation for school). We are a very close family and he loves being around me.

No I would not send him to that nursery, I’d find another one.

I don’t know if it’s common practise not to play with them, but I doubt it is. But even if it is, by sticking to it they are not fulfilling your child’s needs and that imo is cruel.

I'd take out him out and send him again in a year. He doesn't need two years to prep for school. You give him a lovely life. Let him be happy with you!

Years ago we never had nurseries and yet every oldie I know got through school ok. When my DCs were small, it was called playschool and far less structured.

We seem obsessed with sending little ones off before they are ready. It’s been recognised now that some children aren’t ready for school when their peers are. So I would say enjoy your little one’s childhood while you can. Don’t feel guilty, they will settle in school just fine, if they aren’t happy at nursery and you can clearly entertain them and want them at home, then do it.

I'm a nursery nurse and have been for years - I've never heard of a setting where the staff don't play with the children- how strange! Most of my day is spent playing with the children, even when I'm doing observations I'm still playing with them.

Send him to another one. My boys nursery the staff are very much involved and this would never happen there

Hi,
I am surprised the staff at the nursery say that they don't play with the children. Like you say, it's important for the children to socialise and learn to play with each other, but at 3 years old children often play parallel to each other rather than with each other and they all vary as to how quick they learn to play together. My DD has just started reception but she often played with staff at her nursery if her 2 main friends weren't there even at age 4 (took her till 3.5 to be able to play with other kids properly without adult involvement). Ultimately I would go with your gut in terms of whether to keep sending him to nursery- it seems that he may not develop confidence if he is left lonely and getting so distressed but it could be more difficult for him to integrate at school (although not necessarily, hard to know without knowing his full personality).

I do not think this is standard practice for nurseries to just refuse to play with the children, I would maybe look to see if there is another nursery or pre school in your area with a different approach? You could outline your experiences to a new setting and see whether they adopt the same approach.

All the best with this, it's awful the worry about them being lonely, know it all too well.

My kids only ever were at home with me when they were under school age. No childcare elsewhere at all. However I spent my days taking them to playgroups, swimming, museums etc. In no way did they suffer when starting school. They assimilated fantastically and made lots of friends

I think this push to get kids away from their parents when they are under 5 is absolutely bloody awful. If you can afford for him jot to go, you'd be mad to make him.

I work in a nursery. As much as I have stuff to do, making sure the children are happy, entertained and well looked after is the key role I take, as should any other nursery practitioner. Especially if he is fairly new; of course I would engage other children to play along side but if said child is uncomfortable playing alone I will also join.

What is happening with adult led activities ?
Where are the set up tuff trays or planning? What should they be doing? Even in free play the practitioners should be joining in. School is more about education but they have adult contact and attention all day. And still offer one to one for children. This nursery has no excuse.

Keep him with you for a bit longer then maybe try another nursery. 3 year olds tend to play 'alone' but near other children, but this would only be for a short time. There should be adult-lead activities at nursery too.

I ask this kindly - has he become too reliant on an adult to guide his independent play?

Socialisation is important but I think waiting a while won't do him any harm.

If I had my time over, I would have kept my son with me if I could have done. He's 15 now and does not remember a single thing of his time at preschool & nursery! It's just us mums who remember the sad handovers and sitting crying in our cars.

I'm not sending mine to nursery. They'll have so many years to get used to school! I don't get the obsession with preparing in a formal setting.

I really feel for you op. I would look for another option. I find it really sad that there isn't a balance of carer led play or activities to bring the kids together. It seems so lazy of the nursery to rely on free play and I think you'll find there are better places out there.

Also...from the tone of your post it sounds as though you are able to and would enjoy having him with you until school age. In case you need to hear it from someone else I just want to say that this is a fantastic option, he would enjoy it, you can still have him socialise with other children perhaps a weekday activity like a club etc or in a more informal setting like the park etc. Clubs like football are a good soft introduction to listening skills, following instruction and being with other kids.

It sounds like a rubbish nursery!! Is it a school nursery/preschool or a private one? DD goes to a private day nursery and the staff play all the time. It gets more structured in the preschool room which DD will go in to eventually, but they are still all about play.

You need a different setting.

I took one of mine out of what was called playgroup in 'the olden days' he's in his 30s now. He wasn't enjoying being away from me, I didn't like telling the lovely ladies that ran it so said we were moving to save their feelings (we were but actually in the same town) but he had no problems when he started at the school a year later. Sometimes they just aren't ready to be away from mum and if it's not essential due to work commitments then why should they🤷

I've never heard of this in my life what are you paying them for (if your paying them) I agree with everyone else take him out

Never heard of staff not playing with the kids tbh?!

Personally I wouldn't send him back and find another one.
If you want him at home then that's fine but tbh nursery has done my child wonders.

Sounds very odd! My DC have been in private nurseries & preschool & at all of them the staff would lead & engage in play with the children.
What kind of nursery is it?

I’d just send him to a different nursery. This one sounds like it has a particular (odd) take that doesn’t suit him. Find him somewhere small and individually focused. He doesn’t need to be going 5 days a week at 3 (if that’s what you are doing now.)

Early years education does benefit children - it provides stimulation to those who don’t get so much at home - but it’s also about learning to socialise, which it sounds like will be of particular benefit to him.

OP, you can socialise him yourself at playgroups if you are only sending him to nursery for the social aspect. That's what I did. Your councils Family Information Sevice should have a list of all the mums and tots groups in your area.

This is very unusual for nurseries so I would look for somewhere else he might enjoy. At my nursery they play all the time and often have practitioner led activities and circle time etc.

mine go to nursery but I think staying at home is lovely depending on your setting. I live in a fairly large city and lots of the local schools have ‘feeder’ nurseries and preschools so most of the kids and parents know each other before school starts. Anecdotally many of my mum friends have said that being outside these groups has been hard for their DC and they have then found it took longer to settle at school (like two terms to be really happy).

might be a city thing though. Maybe chat through with your mum friends?

This is a very strange nursery. I've worked in many different settings over my 20 years + as a nursery practitioner, and I've never worked anywhere where we've not played with the children especially if they're not at the joining in stage, yet. I drink endless cups of ( pretend) tea, play lots of games, and referee many different scenarios in a day.
I'd be looking for a new setting or keep him home for a while.

I'd find another nursery. Or a nanny.

Listen to your child , don't send him back .
If you have to go to work get a childminder or nanny .
Look up Attachment Theory

send him to another nursery, a good nursery will - parallel play, join in with their play (extending vocab), observe and encourage not just leave them to it

Of course they should be playing with the children - how strange! Some children need more adult interaction than others. This doesn't sound the right place for your little boy.