Raise concerns with preschool or just leave?

[Redpanda56]

My daughter has just transitioned to the preschool at her nursery.

Today, we were having a conversation about consent and how our bodies belong to us.

She said 'I share my body with my friends at nursery'. How do you do that, I said (being careful to remain neutral). She wouldn't answer and changed the subject.

So, if I speak to the nursery about this, what should I expect them to do/ how should they respond?

Are you sure she understood your conversation? Kids constantly hug, kiss, lick each other.

No harm in raising it with the nursery, I'd relay the conversation as you have here. What do you think has been going on?

They aren't left to their own devises so I'm not sure what you think has went on?

I agree with pp could be kisses, cuddles. May even be holding hands.

Speak to them and tell them the convo you had

Thank you for your calm and reasoned response - I guess I am looking for reassurance that licking each other could be normal behaviour for 3 year olds.

I've never actually seen my child hug or kiss/ be hugged or kissed by another child. She's an only child with no cousins. So in that respect I have no idea what normal 3 year old interaction looks like. Post Covid, parents are not allowed into the nursery so I haven't had a chance to see the children's interactions.

I guess the worst case scenario would be that another child had touched her inappropriately. It's a sad fact of life that children who have been sexually abused can go on to abuse other children - an important part of safeguarding children is acknowledging this disturbing reality and being vigilant.

'They aren't left to their own devises so I'm not sure what you think has went on?'

Okay, so that's the sort of response that makes me anxious about raising this with nursery.

As you have said, it could very well be holding hands. But it only takes a second for a child to inappropriately touch another child. Ratios for 3 year olds are such that the best nursery workers in the world cannot have eyes on every child all the time.

She doesn't understand what you're saying.

I agree that she probably hasn't understood the question. She probably means she shares her body by playing with her friends and holding hands, hugging etc as 3 year olds tend to do.

But that's the way it's come across, to me anyway.

A child wouldn't touch another child inappropriately on purpose, they don't know.

Whilst I think consent is important you don't want to confuse her to think she can't hold hands, cuddle etc

I think you are over thinking this. She doesn’t understand what you mean. I think you are too concerned about inappropriate behaviour and are likely to pass your insecurities into her.

I would definitely speak to the nursery OP to put your mind at rest. At 3 one of my DC was always giving her friends hugs to say hello/goodbye. I think anything worrying having happened is extremely unlikely. I worked in a nursery for years and have 2 DC, so in my experience I recon it will be very innocent misunderstanding.

I think you have tried to explain a very grown up concept and she is trying to make sense of it.

At nursery they will be told to share all the time. So when you said our bodies are "ours" she has said she shares hers at nursery.

NSPCC have great advice for parents to explain how to keep themselves safe - look up the pants rule. It's much simpler for a 3 year old than consent and boundaries.

Maybe they have talked about what it's ok to do - at dd's nursery they did the pants rule (at nursery level) and talked about how it's ok to hug / hold hands with your friends, but only if both want to (the basics of consent now looking back) and taught them that it was ok to say "I don't want that" if someone was trying to hug them, to close to them or hold their hand (for example).

Maybe that's just what she meant - she can share a hug with a friend?

I would ask the nursery what they've been talking about - it's almost certainly misinterpretation rather than something sinister.

It's difficult to say as different 3 year olds have different levels of understanding/maturity, your dd might not have understood what you meant in terms of sharing her body. I agree with above pp of looking at the 'pants rule'.

Staff should be trained on 'peer on peer abuse' which is a recognisable situation within safeguarding training. I can and does happen with younger children unfortunately. Clearly not nice to think about but always best to be aware of these things. I think if you did decide to bring it up with the staff it wouldn't be unreasonable as their safeguarding training should encourage open conversation and being respectfully curious.

Its great youre talking to her about consent from such a young age. But, children often try to say what they think the adult wants to hear to get some praise etc. The reason I say this is she's talking about sharing (to a 3 year old this would be a pretty safe bet to get some praise when talking about behaviour) and you're talking about bodies, it sounds shes just joined the two together. Id say just talk to her about how her body belongs to her and she doesn't have to share it. Although she probably doesn't understand it yet its good to give her the words now so she has them ready for when she can truly understand what consent means. I'd mention to nursery she said something odd when talking about consent (and tell them exactly what) and ask if she's said anything to them ?