Is it appropriate for nursery staff to call a preschooler "shy"?

[Lily7050]

My DS started nursery when he was 5 months old and was outgoing and happy until he turned two and had to move to the older group in the nursery.
Since then his personality has changed. I cannot tell whether it is just the usual development phase or less attention from staff due to higher children/staff ration in over 2s or any other reasons. DS is already 3 years and 3 months old but he is still very clingy, anxious around new children and adults, would not engage with children he does not know.
Now and then DS keeps mentioning that a nursery staff called him shy. I am he got good imagination and can invent this. Just curious if it is appropriate for nursery staff to call a child "shy". I do not want DS to be labeled and to become shy for the rest of his life.

If he is shy then yes it’s appropriate to call him shy

One of my sons was shy at that age, and referred to as such. A few years down the track he has become a lot more confident and people no longer refer to him as shy.

How could it make him shy for the rest of his life? You're being a tad over dramatic here.

Did they call him shy in general or say that he was just feeling shy at a particular moment? Feeling shy is a valid emotion; DD tells us if she's feeling shy in a situation and needs a bit of reassurance or to hang back for a moment and evaluate. I wouldn't call her shy in general as she's quite gregarious, but everyone feels shy sometimes surely?

Yes.
Interested in how a 5 month old gets to be outgoing though.
Try asking the nursery staff rather than an unreliable narrator how he's doing.

Are you doing anything to help him overcome his nervousness? Or to investigate when the sudden change in behaviour?

It sounds like you're not very happy with the nursery. Would you feel better if you started to look for an alternative for him?

I'd find the sudden change in behaviour more concerning tbh. Have you asked nursery about it?

If you’re worried by it you can easily reassure you’re child with a comment like that by making light of it and saying ‘oh everyone seems shy sometimes like when they aren’t sure about something new. And as you get older you will probably feel braveR and braver ‘ or something .

from my experience at that young age, shyness can come with anxiety at not feeling comfortable or ready for separation yet so I would see that the nursery staff try and help this and build up their confidence and self esteem etc

It depends how it's done. I hate it when people say "you're not shy are you". It's so unhelpful!

I say to my shy boy that it's OK to be shy and remind him that we all get shy sometimes. I also remind him that once he gets used to a place or people that his shyness wears off and that's OK too.

Telling him it's OK to be shy really eased the pressure off him. He knew I valued him even when he hid behind my leg. He is still shy in new situations and probs always will be but after that he's confident.

Maybe have a chat with the staff and just ask how he's getting on as you've noticed a change in his behaviour and see what their response is. I think this would give you an idea of how they are dealing with him and what their approach to shyness is.

Yes of course it's fine.

I mean you've called a 5 month old baby 'outgoing', so... 🤷‍♀️

I was labelled as being shy by a primary school teacher and it really stuck with me for a long time! I think actually I was quiet rather than shy but ended up becoming shy because that's what I was told I was, and I wasn't old enough to question it. I'd ask them not to say that to him and instead ask if he needs help/ask if he wants to sit with a friend/etc.

I think shy is a fine word for them to use. It is a bit different to labelling them as a 'bully' or 'bossy' - those sorts of words could shape a persons perception of a child and mean the child gets written off by certain caregivers etc. I don't think the word 'shy' is the same though. It's hard to know how they are saying it to your DC if you aren't there. They could be saying it in a way that is enabling him to put his own boundaries in place, e.g. 'little lily is just feeling a little shy, so please don't overcrowd him' or 'littlelily, if you are feeling shy then just ask Tom to step away'. Or perhaps he was feeling overwhelmed in a situation and a nursery worker was explaining to him that some people are more shy than others, so don't necessarily enjoy this game or activity. From your description of yours son's current behaviour I suppose I would describe him as shy in this environment. Is there a word that you would prefer them to use?

What’s wrong with being shy?
I hate how it’s treated like some sort of disease

It's an adjective. It's not a judgemental one, it's quite often used to describe children. It would probably be more helpful for him if you were to be able to use the word about him to talk to nursery to see what you can do to help him to be more confident.

Thanks everybody.

This is because when DS was 5 months old he was happy to play with any adults and children. I noticed some children of that age would not like to be near strangers, were crying etc.

My DS is often described as shy by the staff at nursery. It's true, he is. I try not to make it a negative though, as PP said, it's an emotion like anger or sadness or happiness and all emotions are okay.

I do know what you mean . I try really hard not to say to a child “You are shy”, because that makes it sound like some permanent part of them - a personality trait - rather than a passing emotion. If you are told you ARE something enough you might start to believe it.

I suffered from crippling shyness when I was a child and you're right. Having it pointed out makes it worse.

I think I'd be inclined to have a word with them over the phone, when he isn't around and won't overhear.

At 5 months? I’m not sure if you can tell what a baby is like at 25 weeks old! Shy is fine. It’s just a word.

I get what you are saying OP, especially if they say it in his hearing. Comments like that can be internalised and are totally unhelpful - much better to say "he is still getting used to the new setting".

Reported.

Also reported.

I agree with this. Calling someone shy to their face cn become a self fulfilling prophecy.