Should I be concerned

[VPS83]

Hi, my daughter has been going to her nursery for nearly 18 months now. She took a few months to settle in initially however, she still fusses most mornings when it’s time to leave the house and cries at drop off about 50% of the time! The staff are all lovely and reassure me that once she gets inside she’s fine. At picks up she’s always happy to see me. I’m just concerned that she’s not happy there - is it normal for toddlers to resist going to nursery after this long? She is full time (9hours a day, 5 days a week) I would have thought she’d become really accepting of it as it’s such a big part of her life. I don’t want to uproot her unnecessarily but I also hate seeing her so sad in the mornings.

Any advice/wisdom is welcome! Thank you x

I worked in a nursery for a long time and some children always cried when they arrived in the morning. For some, it was the separation from mum, they just found it hard knowing they were not going tk see them for a little while. Once mums had gone the children would become engaged in an activity, chat to friends and then forget about the upset. I also noticed for some children they wouldn’t be upset if someone else dropped off rather than mum, is that something you could try?
I know the nursery say she is settling, most nurseries will phone the parent to advise them if their child was still crying after a period of time. If it’s worrying you then I’d ask the nursery to phone you if it takes any longer than 30/60 mins for her to settle.
When you collect her, you say she is happy, does she talk about her day and what she’s done? If so then chat about it and softly ask why she was upset going when she had so much fun.
It’s really tough seeing your little one crying when you leave them. I hope it gets easier for you.

Thank you so much for your reassuring comments - that really helps. Unfortunately, my husband can’t do drop offs because of timings/work. But I do talk to my daughter when I pick her up about her day and she always speaks fondly of her friends and practitioners. I have actually asked her in the past why she gets upset going in the mornings and shes said exactly that - she doesn’t want to leave me :( maybe it’s nothing to worry about in that case but I just get that dreaded feeling like she’s the only one that still cries at drop off.

Could you make friendship bracelets with her, make a few incase she loses hers. Then both wear them, explain to her when she’s feeling sad or misses you during the day, she could rub her bracelet and you will do the same because you miss her lots during the day too. I did this for one little family before, the mum added in that she could feel when the little girl was rubbing the bracelet but you wouldn’t need to add that part in.
Your little one isn’t alone in this, there will be a few children that do it but that doesn’t make it any easier for you. Hopefully she eases up for a bit and it will be a stage she passes through. Do the staff distract her as soon as she goes in? Could you arrange to walk in with another parent and child- just meet in the car park and go In together to see if that can distract her?

The nursery actually have a strict drop off at the door policy since covid. It’s also right on the main road so there isn’t much parking near by. They are very good at welcoming kids in the mornings and where possible they try and get the child’s preferred practitioner to open the door when they know a child has separation anxiety. I really like the idea of the friendship bracelets and I’ll give that a go. She does get attached to toys and sometimes insists on taking a cuddly toy with her so this will work quite nicely (for a little while at least lol). Thank very much for the time you’ve taken to respond - it’s much appreciated.

It's probably not what you want to hear, but ime some children never settle completely and it's usually because the setting just isn't right for them. It's probably not that specific nursery, it may just be that nursery is a bit busy and impersonal for her at this age. I'd think about looking into a home based setting, maybe a childminder (or a nanny, but that will be expensive!).

@NuffSaidSam I have considered this that could be the case and ruled out changing to a child minder/nanny (or even using grandparents who are desperate to have her) on the basis that she will have to get used to it with school around the corner. If I pull her out now worn I just have to deal with this again when she starts school and my worry is that they won’t be as accommodating/attentive to her needs as a nursery. It’s so hard getting the balance right - I want her to be happy all the time but I also want her to be ready for the world so to speak

Some children always cry at drop off. It might be because they don’t love nursery - like how we sometimes sit outside work thinking ‘fuck’s sake, Monday again and I’m stuck at this place all week.’ Parents hate hearing this (and I’d obviously never tell one at work) but some kids don’t love nursery. It’s noisy and busy and you have to do lots of things like circle time and routine stuff that they might not enjoy. My dd10 would have been better off at home - she is a quiet and sensitive girl who preferred a quiet environment, and a nursery simply isn’t that. I still occasionally get a child at nursery who tolérâtes it more than enjoys it. However I had to work, and it didn’t scar her to go to preschool!

Or because she can’t communicate her feelings to say ‘bye mummy, I’ll really miss you because I love you’ so she shows you by having a cry then going into nursery. Lots of kids at my work do this. They’ll be crying to mummy and then the door shuts and they’re wriggling to get out of my arms and run away outside or off to empty out a box of stickle bricks. This is the majority of drop off fussers.

Do they communicate via app/online at all? Do you see pictures of her playing and enjoying herself?

And I wouldn’t worry about her being the only one crying - I guarantee she won’t be. You just won’t see/hear other children crying because the majority of them cry for a few minutes then are distracted and go off to do something else.

I'd be very cautious about taking a 'she won't be ready' approach to this, or anything else. It's a concerning aspect of modern parenting imo.

Children develop with time, as they get older. There is little value in putting them through something that isn't working for them in order to prepare them for something that time itself will take care of.

Did you start feeding her solids at 2 months old in case she wasn't ready to wean at 6 months? Or did you wait until she was developmentally ready? Did you pop her on a treadmill when she 6 months old in case she wasn't ready to walk at a year? Or did you just wait until she was developmentally ready? You're not going to 'teach' a child to be able to cope in that environment by just putting them in it when they're not ready.

I'd have a read up on child development and the value of child-led parenting.

Although, I agree if she's starting school in a few weeks time then there is little point in changing now! If she isn't starting school for a year, I'd have a serious think about what's in her best interests.