DS headbutting at nursery

[Stegosaurusesrock]

I hope someone can help as I'm at a bit of a loss. I was torn between posting this here or in behaviour/ development.

As the title says really... DS3 started nursery last month - to coincide with me going back to work. He's doing about 20 hours a week, mornings only.

Developmentally, I'd say DS is where I'd expect, he can chatter about things, is potty trained, loves diggers, books Bluey and bing. But because he has a very poorly older brother we've shielded for most ofthelast 2 years. He's probably been to toddler group 12-20 times since turning 1 - he likes other children and will play alongside them but not with them.

Last week nursery called and asked me to collect him as he'd headbutted a little girl. Of course I did, was duly cross, talked a lot about being gentle. He then had a few days off for a shocking cough and cold but went back in today. Only for the same to happen.

His sleep is atrocious right now and I suspect he's tired, but he doesn't do this at home, it just seems to be nursery.

I've talked to the nursery teacher today about if he's sensory seeking or what he might be trying to communicate but they aren't sure. Apparently he just seems to get really cross really quickly if someone takes a toy he wants or if he can't do what he wants then. At home he's easily divertable if he can't do what he wants and although gets frustrated, doesn't headbut and a firm no stops anything unwanted. He's only just 3 so obviously very impulse driven still, but not unmanageably so.

I'm not sure what to do really. He understands that hands and heads are not for hitting, but in these moments doesn't. How can I help him and stop the behaviour for the other children at nursery.

Wow, I've worked with biters and scratchers but never a headbutter! I can kind of understand the nursery's perspective as that could cause a serious injury but sending him home for it seems extreme. In my setting you'd definitely be getting an incident form every time it happened, but sending him home just seems like it reinforces the behaviour - "if you do this, you get to see Mummy/Daddy! Yay!"

He doesn't do it at home because it's a completely different situation. You're doing the right things - he's old enough to understand that it's wrong, but can't control his emotions in the moment, which is normal. What nursery should be doing is getting their own plan in place, which might be as far as having someone shadow him (I've had to do that for chronic biters before) to defuse situations before he reaches that breaking point. Other than reinforcing how we don't hurt people and Sally was sad when you headbutted her for snatching, you're limited in what you can do from home!

Can you arrange a meeting or a chat with a manager or the room leader to discuss a plan of action? Of course it can't keep happening but you aren't there, you don't see what triggers it and you can't help him calm himself. They need to be helping him to manage his emotions and direct them in a more appropriate way when he's in a large group. If he hasn't had a lot of experience with other children his age then he is going to be cross and frustrated when things don't go his way, and it'd be very surprising if the nursery hadn't seen this kind of behaviour before.

What kind of setting is it, how many children are in his room, are they all his age or is it a more mixed age group?

How often is he at nursery and for how long? I think some children cope well with nursery and others don’t. Is it possible your little one just gets frustrated there and wants to be home more? Is anything stressing him out at home?

Thank you both for replying, he's at nursery 5 morning's 9-1. There's a possibility we could move to 4 and he spend one morning with Grandma but we've not explored that fully with her. I don't think he's stressed, the only change at home is me working and him in his big boy bed.

It's a 'pre-school' so 2s, 3s and 4s in one room. About 15-20 I guess with 5 staff. He is happy to see us and I do wonder if he's made the connection between hitting and going home.

I think that he needs someone to keep a closer eye on him at nursery to anticipate the behaviour in order to prevent it.

There is some kind of steps think where they can look at what led up to the behaviour.

I'm a childminder and wouldn't send home for this. He's a lockdown baby. He's not going to have the social skills that a non lockdown child would have. They need to support him with this.

Does sound like frustration to me.

@Pishup this very often isn't possible in a busy nursery.

Yeah his preschool need to be on the ball with this. Have you seen incident reports about it? If not, how were you informed? Were the headbutts witnessed?

For context, at my setting if something like a bite, scratch, headbutt or other deliberate injury was witnessed, we would write an incident report. This isn't just for the parent of the child who lashed out, this is for our reference and records exactly where each member of staff was and what they were doing at the time that it happened.

So for example we can say, "when Ashley bit Taylor, we were transitioning to going outside after lunch and Ms Smith, who happened to be the only member of staff outside at that moment, had just seen another child fall over and was dealing with that. Other staff were cleaning up after lunch and changing a nappy, respectively. In future we won't open for free flow play until two members of staff are fully ready to go."

Especially as a previously more isolated child, dealing with social interactions including much younger children is bound to be challenging for your 3 year old and I'm really surprised that the preschool is reacting by sending him home.

And 5 staff is, frankly, a great staffing level for 20 children in a preschool room. I'm envious! Depending on how many 2 year olds they have, that could be well over the legal ratios, which is a great sign. We often have 3 staff for 20 children, although with only a couple of 2-year-olds. It's not unreasonable for them to make sure your son has help when his emotions get out of hand. A lot of working in a preschool setting is noticing when situations are likely to or about to kick off and moving to calm things down - being reactionary is useless. It's definitely worth speaking to the preschool about this, would they be sending home a child who bites every time they bite? They need to be working on a plan of action and you need to be involved every step of the way so that you and preschool can be consistent in the language you're using and consequences. It sounds like you're doing all you can do and if you're not seeing the behaviour at home, what more can you do? Talk to them and please don't accept them sending him home every time he hurts another child, he's angry and struggling with his emotions and this is totally normal and they need to deal with it as much as you do.

Hi OP just wanted to ask if there's an update on this?

My DS has just turned 3 and been at nursery since he was 1 (on and off, thanks to lockdowns!) and just recently has started hitting when things don't go his way.