My son is not settling into nursery and I am really struggling

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girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 10:30

You say you hide in the staff room but does he know you're there?

Original poster

Lxi29 · 10/01/2022 10:32

We try me saying "ok mummy will be back in a minute" then a few minutes later he was hysterical so I came out

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girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 10:36

Have you actually tried leaving the premises? If he knows you're not coming back he'll learn to settle with others.

Cornettoninja · 10/01/2022 10:38

Aw he’s still very little (and at the prime age for needing convincing on the benefits of sharing!) and it’s only been a week. What have the nursery suggested? They must have come across similar before?

How urgent is it that he attends? I’m only asking because you say you’ve been there whilst he’s settling. If you’ve got a bit of flexibility maybe you could try him with different sessions (afternoon vs mornings) and incrementally extend the amount of time you wait it out before intervening. You know he’s been looked after even if he’s not happy or cooperative. It’s worth trying to ask him what would make him feel better at nursery in a calmer moment, he’s only two but sometimes they can give you a bit of direction .

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 10/01/2022 10:38

Yeah, honestly I think you're just perpetuating this by hanging around. Leave him for a while and let the staff do their job. If they don't think he's settling or don't find his behaviour manageable, they'll tell you.

mynameiscalypso · 10/01/2022 10:40

It's such a short time - my DS has been back a week after a break for Christmas and is still struggling and he's been going to nursery for over a year. I agree that hanging around probably doesn't help (even if you're in the staff room). I'd leave them to it and go and get a coffee or something. It takes time but the staff are totally used to it.

Original poster

Lxi29 · 10/01/2022 10:45

Thanks everyone, see this morning he went running in which was a first, but had a meltdown about another child wanting to join in with his game so he came looking for me. Maybe I could ask nursery if tomorrow, I leave, stay near by, and if he absolutely hysterical and they can't make him feel better, I could go get him?

I feel so out of my depth as DD was never bothered, obviously I want him to settle but the thought of him hurting another child makes me so sad/uncomfortable
I want him to make friends like DD has 😔 or at least play nicely.

His speech is really good for his age and he can ask for juice, toast, mummy etc

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Cornettoninja · 10/01/2022 11:18

I think you really need to get the nursery’s take on it all, more for your confidence than his.

Don’t forget that children's first instinct when there’s a problem is to shout for mum/dad. This is part of him learning different strategies to deal with problems. He’ll soon clock on that throwing/hitting/shouting doesn’t achieve much good.

There’s some good videos/songs on YouTube that get across the concepts of playing nicely and sharing in an age appropriate way. It’s a hard one to learn but he will get there.

Original poster

Lxi29 · 10/01/2022 11:36

Nursery suggested i wait in the staff room to see if he would settle, but like I say he wanted me after 5 minutes

Nursery teacher said they don't want him hysterically upset as then he may associate nursery with being scared and it might worsen the problem, but I think it may be a good idea if he runs in again tomorrow for me to just say goodbye and leave.. its so hard!

Im worried he could really hurt another child with throwing toys as obviously some are heavy 😥

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OakRowan · 10/01/2022 11:41

Give it a few weeks, drop him off quickly and leave with zero fuss even though it feels terrible, ring to check in mid morning, they will ring you if not. They are used to this. We had to change nurseries because of lockdown closures, normally happy DS cried each drop off for weeks but settled after I left, you have to try riding it out with their support, its feels horrible but won't last.

HardbackWriter · 10/01/2022 11:44

I'm really surprised that they're encouraging you to hang around - but I'm also surprised that both you and nursery seem to be expecting that he'd go in happily and be completely settled in a week. Mine both started much younger but I completely expected tears at drop-off for quite a while. I'm sure DC who run into nursery excitedly on their first day exist, but I don't know anyone who had one of them. I'd expect the staff to be giving him a lot of attention as a new starter which should also mean he doesn't have the opportunity to hurt other children.

CescaCesca · 10/01/2022 11:54

Echoing other posters about you hanging around potentially making it worse. If he knows you're there or nearby he may act up to get your attention etc.
My DD started nursery age 2.5 and it took a good 8 weeks for her to stop crying at drop off and not going into her shell whenever we mentioned nursery. Shes does full days and we went in at the deep end - she had 2 settling in sessions of 1 hour or so and then onto full days twice a week. She absolutely loves it there now! Hang in there!

PollyRae16 · 10/01/2022 12:04

My almost 2.5 has been in nursery for a year and a half and still has days where he cries going in and towards the end of the day crying for mummy.
Definitely just do the drop and run. Staying always makes it harder for both of you. He will get there just give him a bit more time.

Original poster

Lxi29 · 10/01/2022 13:01

Thank you everyone. I only expected him to settle quickly because its not a new building or people but perhaps its a new routine that he is struggling with. Nursery have agreed tomorrow I will drop him off at the door like DD, say bye see you soon and leave it at that. If hes really inconsolable they will ring me they said

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ISaidDontLickTheBin · 10/01/2022 13:16

@Lxi29

Thank you everyone. I only expected him to settle quickly because its not a new building or people but perhaps its a new routine that he is struggling with. Nursery have agreed tomorrow I will drop him off at the door like DD, say bye see you soon and leave it at that. If hes really inconsolable they will ring me they said

Sounds like a plan. I agree with PP that you remaining in the building is absolutely not going to help him settle. My lockdown baby cried at drop off every day for 6 weeks after starting nursery at age 1 (I'm told he settled quickly after I left though) . It's really hard. But one day he just stopped and he runs in there now!

The nursery should be experienced in dealing with this type of thing. Did LO get any settling in sessions OP?

LemonDrizzles · 10/01/2022 14:24

It took my little one about 6 weeks to settle. We just kept ploughing through, sadly. I don't have much advice. Yes you would need to leave if it's not settling in. You may consider asking if you can leave a comforter. Also, how do you feel? Are you ok leaving him or would you rather that he stay with you all day - I ask because kids pick up on this sometimes. Hope he settles eventually. All the best

vodkaginwine · 10/01/2022 14:52

I teach in a school nursery so 3-4 year olds. I would say that his behaviour is probably in part that he knows you will come to him as you are in the building. As hard as it is, I would encourage you to do a short and swift drop off and goodbye. Take him in, help him find his peg and keyworker ‘oh wow, keyworker is excited to see you. Wow, look at all these activities for today! Ok then, mummy will be back at x time. Have lots of fun!’ And leave. He will cry, you will hear him cry but he will settle quickly without you. If it’s a good nursery, they will have coping/distraction tactics that will help him very quickly.

HardbackWriter · 10/01/2022 15:29

@Lxi29

Thank you everyone. I only expected him to settle quickly because its not a new building or people but perhaps its a new routine that he is struggling with. Nursery have agreed tomorrow I will drop him off at the door like DD, say bye see you soon and leave it at that. If hes really inconsolable they will ring me they said

I think that unfortunately the bit he's probably struggling with is that you leave - he's used to being there with you, and at the moment he's learning that you are actually still there. It's really hard (my second has just started at nursery and I had a good cry after leaving him for the first time) but he's only going to settle into this being a place without mummy, and that other people can comfort him if he's sad, after some time of being there without you.

Ozanj · 10/01/2022 15:33

@Lxi29

My DS (just turned 2) started nursery last week and my DD (3.5) already attends. He knows the teachers and some of the children already from 'stay and play' sessions which he has always enjoyed.

However, since starting it is just getting worse and worse. He will only stay for an hour and I hide in the staff room and it's only about 5 minutes till he starts screaming for me.

He hates other children coming near him, tries to smack and throw toys at them, especially if they are interested in something he is playing with and the teachers can't comfort him, he will scream and scream for me.

Covid had a massive knock on us as my DD went to play groups from being born but DS didn't get this chance. He is very much a "mummy's boy" and we have no family support so he doesn't really know anything besides being with family. DD isn't interested in him at nursery but luckily he isn't bothered whether she is with him or not.

I just feel mortified when he starts screaming and hitting children who even come near him 😳 how can I stop this? We always encourage "gentle hands" nd being kind but his behaviour doesn't improve. DD was never like this and she is so sweet and loving I feel so worried he will never settle

With all due respect it has only been a week. It is often harder to settle kids into nurseries the older they are. So unless there are safeguarding concerns (for him in terms of his eating and drinking) you need to give it a month. Nursery staff are trained how to deal with boisterous children and I bet as soon as you’ve gone they manage to settle him. Let the nursery staff guide you. (I say this as so someone with 25 years of childcare experience under my belt).

Original poster

Lxi29 · 11/01/2022 07:31

Thank you Ozanj, maybe I am worrying too much. Will update later with how this morning goes 😊

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Bagelsandbrie · 11/01/2022 07:38

I agree with the others that he probably knows you are there.

My dd is 19 now but I remember so clearly that she was exactly like this as a toddler. She cried when I dropped her off for about 2 weeks and I felt absolutely dreadful. The nursery kept telling me she was fine shortly after I left but I didn’t believe them. One day I let them prise her off me finger by finger screaming her head off like she was going to be murdered. I cried myself as I felt so terrible. Then I went and hid round the corner and 15 mins later peeped in the window and she was sitting there happy as anything having a story, giggling and having some milk! I was so, so shocked.

If you trust the nursery and believe it’s a good one and your older child is okay I think you have to do a bit of tough love and let them get on with it. If it’s still like this after a few weeks then I’d try and have a chat with them about it all.

Original poster

Lxi29 · 11/01/2022 07:44

Thank you Bagelsandbrie, the nursery is honestly amazing with DD. She too had not been away from me much, but she went from a shy non verbal 2 year old to a confident, chatterbox of a nearly 4 year old 😂

Usually to settle him i have to hold and rock him, I am going to mention this to nursery this morning as it may help them. Like I say, DD never had this issue so it is all new to me. The thought of leaving him upset makes me so sad, but when he is happy he does enjoy the nursery toys, painting etc

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Roselilly36 · 11/01/2022 07:52

I can empathise my DS was like this, it is really upsetting.

He would hang onto me, impossible to get out of the door, etc. I used to get home, often in tears, ring up and they would say he’s fine, he’s doing whatever he was doing.

I stuck to it, thinking it would become easier, it didn’t, even when DS started school he was still the same, I would have to show him the clock and tell him when the hands are on the 12 I will be here to collect you. Teacher would have to distract him etc.

It was really hard. And makes you feel awful. He just did not want to be separated from me at all. My DS is 20 now, and completely undamaged. I still remember it so vividly. I wish I had a magic answer for you OP.

Original poster

Lxi29 · 11/01/2022 18:12

Thanks everyone for your support! He ran in today and did 2 hours! They said he asked for me a few times but was quickly distracted, he ate snack, and even joined in circle time 😁

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BlueSky8 · 11/01/2022 18:44

Pleased today was a better day!
I'm pleased my DS started during Covid times so I had no choice but to drop at the door. Made it easier for us both I think.
Hope it continues.