3yo scaring other kids and not interacting

[Namarah]

DS 3yo is obsessed with sharks. He has shark toys and often pretends to be a shark. Nursery has said this is scaring the other kids. DS can talk perfectly well with adults but with other kids he tends to just growl and chomp like a shark. He’s an only child who was alone during lockdown and nursery thinks he’s using the shark persona as a mask and a coping strategy because he doesn’t know how to relate to other kids.

Apparently in a group he copes better when he can sit with an adult or the activity is being directed by an adult. When it’s just kids playing together in an unstructured way he can cope with 1-2 kids, but if more approach him he will get overwhelmed and abandon his activity and walk off. Nursery also said he pushes and teases the other kids, snatches things and doesn’t like being told what to do. He will often stand back and watch instead of joining in, if he’s pushed to do something he doesn’t want to do he has a mini meltdown.

Nursery wants to remove him from his current sessions because there are some smaller and more timid kids who are scared of him. They want to switch him to different days where it’s less busy so he doesn’t have to cope with such a big group and the teachers will have more time to support him.

WWYD? Should I let them switch his days? They also want me to encourage him not to roleplay as a shark but I don’t want to restrict his imagination. And they want me to help him mix with other kids outside of nursery but how do I do that when I don’t know any other kids?

Yes if switch his days if possible. Sounds like nursery are being supportive and putting strategies in place which is great. In my experience nursery will do everything they can before taking any further action such as swapping days so they have probably been trying already and this is best for all involved.

I would discourage the shark play yes. You can just use distraction techniques and more him on to something more appropriate. Its lovely he has an imagination but its not appropriate or helpful to him to be growling at others.

Do you take him to any playgroundd or groups when he's not at nursery. Many church halls have toddler groups. You can then be there to encourage positive interaction with similar age children and you can chat to a few mums etc

Sorry for typos im not in the best phone for typing

Sounds like a good nursery, they are trying to address his needs and thinking of strategies to do that.
I agree with distracting him away from the shark role play, it’s not helping him. He can use his imagination in plenty of other ways. Try engaging him in small world play, happy land, playmobil etc..
outside of nursery do you have time to take him to a class such as swimming, tumble toys, or a playgroup?

The nursery sound really helpful and on the ball. Take their advice. Stop the shark play.

Maybe take him to softplay where he can meet other children but make sure you supervise him at first.

Yes switch days if course you should. Also discourage role play and focus on learning how to socialise. Easy to pick up imaginative play again when he has learned how to play with others.

Instead of worrying about restricting his imagination I would be focusing on how he interacts with others. He is 3, he is young and plenty of time to learn but he should be taking steps and making progress.

Do you take him to any playgroundd or groups when he's not at nursery. Many church halls have toddler groups.
We go to the playground but there aren’t always kids there, and when there are kids there he doesn’t want to play with them. We did try some toddler groups pre-pandemic - I sat there feeling uncomfortable and being ignored by the other mums so didn’t bother going back. Groups are my idea of hell. I don’t have any mum friends, I want DS to mix with other kids but I don’t want to have to talk to their mums.

Also discourage role play and focus on learning how to socialise
I don’t know how to do that myself so I can’t teach it to DS. I was hoping he’d pick it up at nursery.

I totally get it about hating groups, I'm Autistic and it was so hard for me. It will honestly be really good for your child, and it's two hours out of your life. I find it's pretty structured, conversation at least has a focus, how old is your child, name etc, and there is tea, that you didn't make yourself, and a chance to drink it when it's hot.

Small world play, lots of social interaction with other children and role playing social situations should help. Even if it makes you feel uncomfortable, taking him to play groups where you are there to support him will benefit him massively. Sometimes we have to do things we don't like for our children.

Swap his days and ask nursery for more advice on how to help.

I am autistic op so I understand how hard going to new groups can be. I'm lucky that I enjoy socializing mostly when I know people. I have had to bite the bullet many times for the sake of my dc though. At toddler groups etc I tend to mimic social interactions and fake it till I make it sort of thing. Then it becomes easier as I get to know people. I tend to laugh lots which is often inappropriate but people think im jolly.
Is there any family members who can support you with this. Do you have a partner. Having my kids has made me have to step out of my comfort zone many times so they can have positive interactions and friendships. I just take time to rest and recover afterwards if I can.

@Namarah

Also discourage role play and focus on learning how to socialise I don’t know how to do that myself so I can’t teach it to DS. I was hoping he’d pick it up at nursery.

No shark games just now please. Only play shark when everyone is happy to play, sometimes it is too scary or noisy for other people. Let's play with the blocks. Shall we build a tower together. Let's see how high we can get it. Your turn, now my turn. Remember no shark at nursery you can play that at home later.

Racing cars down a ramp made of books, rolling a ball back and forward are games you could play he might manage at nursery. Not getting in people's bubble not being too loud or scary.

I am sure someone has much better ideas but that sort of thing.

Maybe instead of discouraging his shark role play you could redirect him to something that facilitates and builds upon his interest in sharks without growling and chomping. Learn the baby shark song by pinkfong. Learn about sharks and other marine animals. Learn about the ocean. Play a game where you pretend to be other interesting marine animals like an octopus.

Also, talk to him about feeling scared. Remind him that some children get scared when he pretends to be a shark. Ask him if there is anything that scares him. Do some activities that help recognise different facial expressions and learning how to recognise when someone is happy, sad, frightened, angry etc. Role play other characters yourself and see if it sparks his interest in role playing in other ways.

I have an only child and it can be challenging. We go to playgrounds often, did group activities like sport, craft groups etc. I grew up with a sister so I always had to share my parents, space, toys, everything with her. Only children don’t have that experience of sharing their parents with another child. They get us all to themselves. And that’s fine, it just means it can take a little longer to develop some of the social skills siblings learn earlier.

He sounds like a wonderful little boy, he’s still young, so don’t be too worried. You sound like a great mum and his nursery seems to be supportive and caring. If he is overwhelmed by larger groups of children then changing days when there is a smaller group sounds like a great idea. If that is possible for you and the nursery is able to accommodate switching his days, then go for it.

Soft plays op.
I hate groups also and find soft play much easier, my DS finds someone's, they become friends and off they go playing.
I just walk round keeping an eye, odd time the other mum will come over but general small talk.
Also stay and plays, tend to be in local churches in my area, kids run wild they love it.

Your nursery sound great and on the ball, their willing to help, take it.

It sounds like he is a little boy who feels uncomfortable socialising just like his mum.
He might have picked up on your anxiety in social situations or it may be just part of who he is, we are not all extroverts.
Do you prefer it when you are put in situations where you have to interact with others, or where your introvert nature is supported and accepted?
Given that answer what do you think is right for DS?

as pp^^
the nursery are suggesting ways for him to settle in a group setting go with their ideas and give him other ways of expressing his shark ness
i look after one who roars to get the others to chase him or chases them i have to redirect them frequently