Stick or twist? DD (2) not happy at nursery - wwyd?

[alexandalexi]

DD (2 and 3 months) has been at nursery three days a week since she was one-and-a-bit. She loved the 'baby' room and the staff in there, we had no problems at drop-off.

She moved rooms when she turned two (June) and has just not settled since. Tears (verging on hysteria) at drop-off, says she doesn't like the staff (as in, we'll ask something like 'Do you want to play with X today and have fun in the garden?' cue 'Nooooo! Don't like X' whereas in her previous room it would have been 'Yes!' and all very positive).

When I call and check how she's doing they say she's settled within 5 - 10 mins and is fine now. When we collect her she's generally ok (although very pleased to see us) but quite frazzled (she used to nap in her 'baby' room but can't seem to snooze in this one).

So my question is - do I stick it out? Is this typical for a change at her age? (All the other kids in her room just trot in, no issues!) Or do I look into changing nurseries? (Chance of finding a place anywhere is another issue entirely...) Will the upheaval be worse?

Would love to know if anyone's had similar experiences!

Just to add - she'll move rooms again when she's three, and generally we've had a really good experience with the nursery and the team!

Thanks in advance!

Could it be a phase? When DD was about 2.5 we had a few weeks of her crying at drop off and 'I don't want to see my friends' staff seemed to think she was copying other children she had seen cry at drop off as she'd been fine before and they said she was fine as soon as she got in her room. It lasted on and off for a couple of months, she's now fine again but has just moved nurseries anyway due to funding issues.

Given that you've generally had a very good experience with the nursery and your daughter will be used to the building, the garden, their general approach, I'd probably be inclined to try to work through things a bit longer, as long as you feel the staff are still working with you/her on it. There's perhaps also been a bit of chopping and changing with summer holidays (yours and the nursery staff's) that might not be helping her settle.

Firstly, is your daughter clear on the difference between not liking something/someone versus liking it/them, but not wanting it/them right now? My daughter is a very similar age, and she will say she doesn't like something (including favourite foods/her special teddy/a trip to her beloved park) when she means she doesn't want it right then.

My second question would be have you spoken to nursery about your concerns, and if so, what are they doing to try and help her? Both my daughter and some friends' children have struggled with going in after room changes and/or returning to nursery after covid disruption at about this age. In both cases, nursery have been very patient, but also actively trying to work out what makes it go more smoothly for that individual child. (My daughter continued going in the baby room door for a bit; a friend's child needed to be left alone to start playing – a cheery 'good morning' and attempted distraction from the staff apparently made it worse.) The same for sleep – if she's frazzled by the end of the day, what are they trying to make sure she at least gets a rest/some quiet time?

I think I would be a bit concerned I would try to find out what's happening - maybe a member of staff or another child is being a bit rough or scary? She can't really explain so you need to take it seriously and try to work it out with the help of the nursery team.

Thanks everyone!

@Miarara - I don't think I can pin it on her copying anyone, as from what I can see she's the only one in her room getting upset at drop-off (admittedly, I don't see them all but the ones I do see just seem to skip in quite merrily!)

@skkyelark - yes, she's been in and out quite a bit due to holidays and then Covid isolation, etc, so hasn't had a solid month of 'settling in'. Great point about her understanding of the word 'like' - hadn't really thought about that. She has been pretty consistent with saying she doesn't like various staff though when we try to talk to her about them in a positive way. She definitely does like the staff in her old room though, she makes that very clear.

In terms of what the nursery's doing, I must admit I think some staff are better than others. She does sometimes pop in to say hello to her old room on the way to her new one, but when she's actually in the room they're quite eager to distract her and take her away, when I feel like she just needs a bit of quiet time to calm down, if that makes sense? I'll have a proper chat with them and try to put a plan in place (I just sort of assumed they see this all the time so know the best way to handle it!)

@GoWalkabout - This is the biggest worry, but the fact she's saying she doesn't like all the staff members in her room makes me think it's a general feeling of unsettledness, rather than one person she's worried about in particular.

One way or another, she's had a lot of time at home with both me and her dad recently, so I'm hoping it's just a clingy phase. It's just heartbreaking when she gets upset - I just want to whisk her away and keep her with me all day!

Mine definitely got more clingy to me when she had a lot of time at home (i.e., every lockdown), so sending sympathy – it's rough, especially as you have to try to make sure they don't pick up on your upset.

If she doesn't like any of the staff in the new room, I wonder if what she's trying to say is that she doesn't like them as much as the staff in her old room or as much as you and daddy – they're the less desirable option (naturally!), and in two-year-old language, that comes out as 'like X, don't like Y'? Or perhaps there's some element of the routine in the new room she's struggling with and she dislikes everyone who does it?

Definitely arrange to have a wee chat. Yes, they should be well used to this and have ideas on what to do, but you know your child best, so your thoughts should be important as well. Plus it's important for your peace of mind. I'd definitely mention it if you think she might do better with less attention/active distraction on arrival – they might be reluctant to look like they're ignoring your upset child. I don't know what's possible for your nursery based on staffing, local covid rules, etc., but for my wee one, when she went in the 0-2 door, she (and a couple of others having the same problem...) stayed in the 0-2 room until a natural transition time (morning snack, I think), and then they took them up to the 2-3 room.

I could have written this post and I'm genuinely in a quandary about what to do. DD seems really unsettled in her new room and we aren't getting a great deal of feedback on how things are going like we did with the baby room. I'm on maternity leave now so she doesn't 'need' to go but we were planning to leave her in for the social and developmental side of things. But I'm having my doubts now as to how much of that she is getting.

I'm going to see about having the difficult conversation about the transition to the toddler room so I can unpick if it's money well spent or not- at the moment I think I'd be better withdrawing her and doing lots of activities and groups etc with her but equally that isn't going to help her become more confident. We don't need to retain her place for my return to work now either which was a big driver for leaving her in.

It's so hard when they find their voice and they start telling you things you didn't want to hear, isn't it 💔