2 year old started nursery and I'm devastated

[aggies87]

Hi everyone.

Thank you for reading my post.

My daughter who is 2 started settling process in day care this week. She will be attending 3 full days a week 8-18. For this week I was able to attend 2 ,1 hour sessions with her in nursery and today she went by herself for 1 hour. As soon as I left her there she was screaming her lungs out. I knew it was expected but later on I heard her from the car park I was waiting at . I came back to check and could hear her as she was in the garden. She was gasping for air and sobbing and screaming and asking for mummy. It hurts my feelings that I put her through that. I know it is expected for kids to behave like this but when I looked at my daughter and her key worker through a glass window she didn't do anything to try and engage with her or occupy her. She was just sitting next to her. I don't have confidence in this nursery. I feel like we are just there to give them money. The key worker did not give me and reassurance or have like a proper conversation with me . When session was over she was ready to give my daughter back right there. My daughter says she doesn't like this lady and I don't blame her . The whole atmosphere in nursery is dull and staff have no personality. They are just there but they don't really participate or engage with kids . I don't think my daughter will benefit from it and I feel sorry for her to be there all bloody day. My husband doesn't support me he says that all kids will cry and she will cry wherever she will go which I get but he doesn't understand my " bad vibe intuition " from the place.

I don't know what to do , I feel devastated and next week she is meant to stay there all day for 3 days. I don't think I can handle that. If staff was friendly and more communicative and reassuring I would be fine with this but under current circumstances I absolutely hate a thought of my daughter being there. I don't think she will let them change her and feed her. Please share your thought with me . I don't exactly know what I expect from this post however even though I try to be reasonable and think clearly my heart says the opposite. Thank you everyone.

@MolkosTeenageAngst

Can you look at using a different nursery? One which has a good vibe rather than feeling dull and where the staff are enthusiastic?

Yes I will certainly do that however there is a huge demand in my area for nurseries and things have gotten even worse with covid. I also need to give 4 weeks notice to get my deposit back.

@INeedNewShoes

It may sound OTT but I’d really worry about the effect on her from an attachment and trust perspective

OP, don’t listen to this utter bollocks.

Many many children start nursery/childcare at this sort of age and some will have a rocky start even at a good nursery. As long as you can find alternative childcare that you have a better feeling about, please don’t be put off. A good nursery is a fabulous environment for toddlers to spend some time. Great parenting is not just about mummy always being available; it’s a balance , and childcare at this sort of age is considered to be beneficial by most educationalists/child development experts.

A very sensible and balanced post, OP.

@6fingerkitkat

It's very early days. It will take time for her to understand that you take her, leave her, she plays and you come back

The nursery may be under par- but your emotions are heightened and looking for the evidence that they aren't working properly to look after her.

Not suggesting you are overreacting but it's hard to be objective in these situations .

I totally get the challenge, I've done it twice with my kids. But give it time or get into the nursery and talk to them.

Hello. I appreciate the your comment. This could be a possibility and I have considered my own feelings and of course there is a side to it where I feel like I'm not in control anymore. However this is my second child and I have been through it before. My older daughter was a bit older when she went and she was crying badly when I left her . Teachers had to physically pull her away from me but the difference was that staff was wonderful and that wad a game changer for me.

@gemloving

I had the same with my then 18 months old, it was a well known chain: bright horizons. His key worker didn't look at him once so I decided to go for a childminder. He's 2 1/2 now and loves it there. It's a small setting and always the same person, I liked that concept a lot more - I didn't realise this before I started settling in the biggest and most expensive nursery in the area.

Thank you for your reply . I really appreciate it

@whiteroseredrose

I also think to trust your gut, change nurseries if you can, and see how you get on.

DS didn't like his first nursery but loved the second. When we went for a look around he walked straight in and didn't look back.

DD on the other hand never settled at nursery so in the end I became a SAHM. Our circumstances had changed and it was the best outcome for all of us.

Hello. I am grateful that things worked out for you. I will also follow my gut and try to find alternative . It might be difficult but I will try my best.

@Kuachui

Always trust the gut. I signed my kids up to nursery a few weeks ago, went to visit one and got an instant no no vibe so went with another.

Thank you

@QueenofLouisiana

I’m another person “went with gut instinct”. DS stayed with the facility for 9 years! (After-school club, holiday club etc). The “best” nursery in town didn’t feel right to us at all. I visited a less well-regarded one, in a much less attractive location and was immediately happier. The one we chose was very soon inspected and found to be outstanding and we agreed completely. You know your child, go with what suits them.

Thank you so much . This means a lot to me. Best wishes to you and your family

If you have to wait the 4 weeks (which I would too, can't just throw money away). I would spend time reading lots of stories with your daughter about nursery and the exciting times children have there. I would prep some little stories with her about her week - out on a walk, ooh look at that big dog, we'll have to tell Debbie about the big dog when you go to your big girl's nursery won't we?

I'd also try and show her the clock and how time moves, so start saying in your day to day - look, the big hand is pointing to number 9. When it points straight up we will have lunch/go outside/read a story/go for bath.

I'd talk to her about what you do when you drop her off, how you'll give her a big hug to fill her up on cuddles then you have to go to work. After she has had snack, lunch, 2nd snack and tea you will be back in time to fill her up on more cuddles before she runs out. Then you can get home and read her favourite stories after a lovely bubbly bath (or whatever your routine is).

It is normal for them to be unsure at 2, my dd was the same. I found talking to her and making sure she understood what was happening when (and that I was definitely coming back for her) helped. In the meantime I would look for a better, more engaged nursery.

It doesn't sound like the nursery is great on first impressions, if others have long waits would you consider a childminder? We used one as DS wouldn't settle at nursery, and he absolutely loved it, the setting suited him to the ground and I felt really happy with the decision.

@Thesearmsofmine

Does she have to go? It sounds like she isn’t ready and if it isn’t necessary I wouldn’t send her. If you are working you could look into a childminder instead as the homey atmosphere could be better for her?

Hello. Yes I will try to look into this. Thank you

@WTF475878237NC

This place sounds crap! The key worker wasn't trying to comfort her or distract her?

No she wasn't and even on two previous occasions she did not try to bond with my daughter while I was present and the rest of team was just there but did not bring anything to the table

@moynomore

Ugh. The prior posts about whether she needs to go for so long are so awful. OP, I think the nursery may not be the right fit, but I promise no long term harm will be done. Maybe start looking for somewhere else.

Thank you. She will need to go there for at least 4 weeks as I need to give notice to get my deposit back and find something else instead . Unfortunately I cannot take any time off to stay with her

@saharadry

As pp said, go with your gut.

If the staff aren't comforting your child in some way it's totally unacceptable and will potentially create your child to have no trust in adults in a care/ school setting which will impact forever.

Listen to your child, she doesn't like her worker- move her and explain to your child 'let's find somewhere more fun/ with more toys etc'.

Thank you very much for your support

A child minder may suit your daughter better- a smaller, more personal and like a 'home-from-home' atmosphere??
Good luck

@Booknooks

It doesn't sound like the nursery is great on first impressions, if others have long waits would you consider a childminder? We used one as DS wouldn't settle at nursery, and he absolutely loved it, the setting suited him to the ground and I felt really happy with the decision.

Yes I will look into it ASAP. Thank you so much

Your child is not going to be happy and settled at nursery if you are giving off vibes of not being happy to leave them there. Find a new nursery that you trust or have a frank conversation with current nursery and give them a second chance. There is little more important in life than trusting your child to someone else so you have to get it right.

I'm not sticking up for the keyworker , as I don't know the situation , but some children when they first start nursery are distressed and not comforted by cuddles from a stranger .Which makes it quite awkward your instincts say cuddle but they pull away and get more upset . Your instincts may well be right but I would give it a little bit longer .

True @jessycake but then you use other techniques to try and calm a child, you dont just ignore them

Hi OP, I’m sorry that you’re having a stressful time. Have you spoken to nursery about your concerns and what you saw? Could you request trying a different key worker riser if that helps? My daughter is starting at childminder def be t month and my heart really goes out to you. X

Excuse typos

@jessycake

I'm not sticking up for the keyworker , as I don't know the situation , but some children when they first start nursery are distressed and not comforted by cuddles from a stranger .Which makes it quite awkward your instincts say cuddle but they pull away and get more upset . Your instincts may well be right but I would give it a little bit longer .

Thank you. I agree with you and appreciate your comment.

My second son went to same nursery as my first. It was school nursery. He was a very outgoing child, but absolutely hated being left there. They had real trouble with him and tried everything from walking around the premises to taking to see his elder brother. Nothing helped, but he did settle eventually and always went in, although he said he didn’t want to go, he did get ready when told to. My first son didn’t cry, but was very quiet and played on his own, until he felt confident enough to play with the other children.

It is upsetting, I used to get in car and cry. My DH said it couldn’t be as bad as I was saying, so I let him take my son himself, he came back crying too.

Is there something your DD likes to do most of all, perhaps they could do this with her.

Just from the little you have said, I wouldn't have been happy with this. If nursery staff can't put effort into helping a child settle in, I wouldn't have much faith in them in the long term.

I visited a lot of nurseries when deciding where to send my now 18m old and they were a really mixed bag. There was one where none of the staff including the manager even acknowledged my DS's presence when I went to visit and they said nothing which showed any interest in children or whether they enjoyed their time at nursery- the manager just talked about the nursery rules. This nursery was well rated but I have since heard from a couple of friends that they are moving their children as they aren't happy there.

The nursery I chose is completely different. When I visited the owner spent almost an hour playing with my DS and talking about the nursery (despite covid). My DS was very upset when I first left him there (clingy lockdown baby) but the staff had asked about his favourite toys and got them ready for him and were able to distract him. They spent the first two settling in sessions walking round with him cuddling him and singing (he was only one so appreciate this may be different for a 2 year old). I don't think they would ever just have sat there while he cried. They were also sensitive to my feelings about it and sent me loads of photos and spent time after the session talking about how DS had been. Now at pick up they are able to tell me all about his day and will notice if he is doing something new like saying a new word and most of all they are just so warm towards all the children - all the staff appear to really care about them.

I think the vibe you get from a nursery is important. I realise that that's not necessarily helpful as it's not easy to just find the perfect nursery which has space available.

I'm a childminder generally the whole family have been to me 3 times before a settling visit when they are left an hour or so if that goes well I extend to a lunch then a sleep if child hadn't settled we do more one hours until they are happy before doing the lunch. Lots of cuddles and distractions with things I know the lo like....becouse they have shown interest on the 3 visits and I've asked.
Go with your gut look at other options your lo is possibly overwhelmed by the number of people after lockdown.