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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

2 year old started nursery and I'm devastated

74 replies

aggies87 · 03/09/2021 22:44

Hi everyone.

Thank you for reading my post.

My daughter who is 2 started settling process in day care this week. She will be attending 3 full days a week 8-18. For this week I was able to attend 2 ,1 hour sessions with her in nursery and today she went by herself for 1 hour. As soon as I left her there she was screaming her lungs out. I knew it was expected but later on I heard her from the car park I was waiting at . I came back to check and could hear her as she was in the garden. She was gasping for air and sobbing and screaming and asking for mummy. It hurts my feelings that I put her through that. I know it is expected for kids to behave like this but when I looked at my daughter and her key worker through a glass window she didn't do anything to try and engage with her or occupy her. She was just sitting next to her. I don't have confidence in this nursery. I feel like we are just there to give them money. The key worker did not give me and reassurance or have like a proper conversation with me . When session was over she was ready to give my daughter back right there. My daughter says she doesn't like this lady and I don't blame her . The whole atmosphere in nursery is dull and staff have no personality. They are just there but they don't really participate or engage with kids . I don't think my daughter will benefit from it and I feel sorry for her to be there all bloody day. My husband doesn't support me he says that all kids will cry and she will cry wherever she will go which I get but he doesn't understand my " bad vibe intuition " from the place.

I don't know what to do , I feel devastated and next week she is meant to stay there all day for 3 days. I don't think I can handle that. If staff was friendly and more communicative and reassuring I would be fine with this but under current circumstances I absolutely hate a thought of my daughter being there. I don't think she will let them change her and feed her. Please share your thought with me . I don't exactly know what I expect from this post however even though I try to be reasonable and think clearly my heart says the opposite. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

moynomore · 03/09/2021 23:12

@nimbuscloud

Not for 10 hours though. Clearly that not for socialising.

Goldbar · 03/09/2021 23:26

Go with your gut and start looking for a different nursery. My DC has been at their present one for 18 months now and, yes, there were a few tears at first but I was sent a photo of them happily playing an hour later. The staff are so lovely and visibly affectionate with the children and have so much energy and enthusiasm. My DC has been off for a few weeks and was literally running into their arms when they went back last week.

Opinion4321 · 04/09/2021 06:35

@INeedNewShoes how is it bollocks to think it could be damaging to leave a child somewhere that they clearly hate? Do you think it’s acceptable for the child to be miserable?

There are plenty of other childcare options out there and it’s about finding the right fit. I’m not saying the OP shouldn’t work, I’m saying find somewhere the child is happy.

trippingflip · 04/09/2021 06:43

It doesn't matter if the nursery is farting ofsted outstanding rainbows, you don't like the nursery and neither does your kid, dont send her there.
Find alternative childcare, nanny, childminders, anything.
I imagine hubby won't mind as long as the child is in care somewhere.
You could also make him do the next settling in session instead.

Ozanj · 04/09/2021 06:43

I work in a nursery and wanted to ask you a few questions OP.

How long were you watching them through the glass window and could it be that your DD could see you?

What is the ofsted rating?

Have you told the nursery about the keyworker not comforting your DD? What did they say?

Is this a montessori? Many of them have an ethos of encouring children 2+ to understand and get in tune with their own emotions and as such may wait before comforting them.

Ozanj · 04/09/2021 06:45

@trippingflip

It doesn't matter if the nursery is farting ofsted outstanding rainbows, you don't like the nursery and neither does your kid, dont send her there. Find alternative childcare, nanny, childminders, anything. I imagine hubby won't mind as long as the child is in care somewhere. You could also make him do the next settling in session instead.

The ofsted rating matters. An outstanding nursery may have an ethos where they want toddlers 2+ to understand their own emotions and so may wait until they come to key workers for comfort. A needs improvement one is probably genuinely shit.

BabycakesMatlala · 04/09/2021 07:00

Please listen to her - she is telling you she doesn't like her key worker, which is pretty impressive for a two year old. You've seen her get no cuddles or comfort in her distress, and you yourself feel it's rubbish. Find somewhere else. Listen to your gut (I had a similar experience with my then three year old, didn't listen to my gut, and I promise you it was my biggest parenting mistake - still unpicking the effects years on.)

BabycakesMatlala · 04/09/2021 07:03

@Ozanj how does the waiting for the child to come to you work when it's their first day there on their own and they haven't yet formed an attachment with the worker? I can understand it once they're more settled, but with a little person who doesn't know you, surely basic human instinct is to scoop them up and give them warmth and reassurance, not let them sit there panicking and wait for them to approach an effective stranger? Seems weird!

User5827372728 · 04/09/2021 07:06

A 2 year old doesn’t understand their own emotions. Blimey most adults don’t.

I would move my child if I had a bad feeling about their child care.

allofthecheese · 04/09/2021 07:12

I'd definitely look at a different nursery and go with my gut on this. Not all nurseries are equal. DS has just started and they're great, very warm and enagaging and he's been loving it.

Godwitz · 04/09/2021 07:15

The prior posts about whether she needs to go for so long are so awful.

They're not, they're trying to establish OP's situation and it seems like she's been at home with her dd up til now (or had another form of childcare).

Nursery at 2 isn't right for all children but, if the parent has no other option, the child will adapt - what choice do they have? - and possibly thrive.

Godwitz · 04/09/2021 07:19

Ofsted ratings are misleading. The inspectors are in the nursery for less than a day making snap judgements.

trippingflip · 04/09/2021 07:26

@Ozanj in this context, where the child and parent are already in distress, the ofsted rating and ethos of the nursery no longer matter. They don't match this family. End of. One size does not fit all.

Waiting for the child to come to you may be acceptable to you, turning crying children to the wall used to be acceptable too. Different methods work for different children, that doesn't make them right. A parent is allowed to deem nursery practice isn't right for their kid.

Finally, adults not having a choice in their life style and kids having to get on with that does not mean this has to be inflicted on all children whenever possible. If there's a chance to change childcare for this child then why not?

elbea · 04/09/2021 07:33

Look for a different nursery, our little girl loves her key worker and is always excited to go. It’s outdoors so when you walk up the drive you can see the children through the fence. I’m yet to see any crying, there is always laughter and playing.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/09/2021 07:38

Different nursery OP- 2yrs old is a hard age to start childcare- separation anxiety and lack of communication- but they don’t sound that nurturing

Row1n · 04/09/2021 07:41

Go with your gut, if the feel of the place doesnt sit right with you, then look elsewhere

Moonlight1972 · 04/09/2021 07:46

Your post gave me second hand anxiety, poor you and your poor daughter. Trust your gut instinct and pull her out. Have you considered a childminder? Maybe a home from home environment would be better for your daughter ?

QueenofLouisiana · 04/09/2021 07:47

I’m another person “went with gut instinct”. DS stayed with the facility for 9 years! (After-school club, holiday club etc).
The “best” nursery in town didn’t feel right to us at all. I visited a less well-regarded one, in a much less attractive location and was immediately happier. The one we chose was very soon inspected and found to be outstanding and we agreed completely.
You know your child, go with what suits them.

Kuachui · 04/09/2021 08:27

Always trust the gut. I signed my kids up to nursery a few weeks ago, went to visit one and got an instant no no vibe so went with another.

whiteroseredrose · 04/09/2021 08:36

I also think to trust your gut, change nurseries if you can, and see how you get on.

DS didn't like his first nursery but loved the second. When we went for a look around he walked straight in and didn't look back.

DD on the other hand never settled at nursery so in the end I became a SAHM. Our circumstances had changed and it was the best outcome for all of us.

KittenKong · 04/09/2021 08:41

That doesn’t sound usual. I worked for an organisation that had a nursery - smaller children would start with 2 days (well 3-2.30) over the week for a while until they were old to handle longer.

The staff were lovely and very welcoming. The children generally loved the place - I did find that week 2 of a new term was the ‘crying week’ but it wasn’t prolonged and the children weren’t traumatised (it would quieten down by morning snack time).

I would look for elsewhere.

Original poster

aggies87 · 04/09/2021 09:00

@nimbuscloud

Do you have to send her? Do you need childcare to allow you to return to work?

Hi there. Unfortunately we have to work and I cannot afford to leave my job.

OP posts:

KittenKong · 04/09/2021 09:02

Do you know anyone who has kids at other settings?

gemloving · 04/09/2021 09:06

I had the same with my then 18 months old, it was a well known chain: bright horizons. His key worker didn't look at him once so I decided to go for a childminder. He's 2 1/2 now and loves it there. It's a small setting and always the same person, I liked that concept a lot more - I didn't realise this before I started settling in the biggest and most expensive nursery in the area.

Original poster

aggies87 · 04/09/2021 09:07

@INeedNewShoes

If you don’t have confidence in the nursery you need to start again and find childcare that you do trust.

It took me 3 attempts to find childcare I was happy with for DD. The staff at her nursery are fabulous and would use every trick in the book to distract a child from crying rather than just sitting there.

Thank you for your reply. I want to do that for sure however she will need to attend it until I find alternative as there is no one else to look after her at the moment . There is also huge demand in my area and waiting lists extend over 1-2 years. I have been waiting for this one nearly 1,5 years. It looked ok when I went to see it so long ago however staff have changed and place look run down but lost importantly it is the vibe and " not even trying attitude ".

OP posts:

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