Anxiety over child starting nursery

[Aachoo]

My 3.5 year old is due to start attending nursery and basically, I'm terrified. I don't want her to go, and I feel I'm being really selfish as I'm sure she will really enjoy it. She's never been away from me overnight as my parents don't keep well, and DH parents are far away. Infact she's never actually been away from me from more than a few hours and even then shes with DH. Can someone just tell me I'm being ridiculous? My friends don't understand and said they couldn't wait to get a few hours on their own. I cant think of anything worse 😕. I'm fortunate to work from home so I've never been in the situation of needing to put her into childcare. It's got so bad in the last few weeks that I'm waking up in a cold sweat during the night in total fear of her being away from me.

I work in a nursery and see a huge difference between children who have lots of socialisation and attend nursery and children who have only been with mum/dad/immediate family.

Children who attend nursery have much better social and emotional skills because they have to navigate social situations in nursery and the day doesn’t revolve around them. There’s so many skills learned in nursery that don’t develop as easily in a home environment.

Even down to things like speech, in a language-rich environment like nursery children pick up language so much faster than at hone/at grandparents etc.

Definitely enrol your wee one, even part time!

You’re being ridiculous 🤣 haha! No I’m just kidding! What is it you’re worried about, are you worried about how she’ll get on or just that you will miss her? I was petrified when little girl went to nursery (she had to go at 9 months) as I had to work and similar to you she had never been away from me and not stayed overnight away from me etc with no close family around. She loves it so much and asks to go at the weekend! She’s made so many friends and her development has come on so much, I think it’s important for social development at their age :) and it will prepare her for school too.

Think of nursery as a practice for when she starts school. It's not that far away.
It will give her a chance to spread her wings a bit and get used to being around children.
You're anxious because it's been the same way for so long but unless you're planning on home schooling it needs to happen.

You will both be fine :)

My DD absolutely adores nursery. She thrives there, and she does way more and varied stuff than is practical to do at home! She's been going since she was about 18 months (she's 2.5 now) and she runs in the door and doesn't look back and asks every morning if it's a nursery day today!

She only does two days so she has plenty of time at home, but I really think nursery is a great place for kids to have different experiences and learn to play and socialise with other children. There will probably be tears at drop-off for a week or two – that's entirely normal. If she hasn't really spent any time with anyone else much, I think it'll be great for her independence and development.

Also I do really value the time I have to myself to work or get other stuff done, knowing she is somewhere safe and having fun. I love spending time with her, but I also have my own interests and stuff to do, and it's good to be able to pursue those. I'm not just a mum!

You are being a little bit ridiculous.

I think this is a case of anticipation being worse than reality.

What is there to be terrified of? Change in the relationship? Change in your life? Time passing? Terrified is a very strong word for something that is ultimately positive.

It's ok to feel sad about something lovely changing - that is a natural part of life - but not to the extent that you miss out on the next lovely phase. Sure, it is bittersweet to leave behind the days of having her with you all the time, but the point of parenting is to raise children who can confidently and happily move away from you so it is also a mark of success.

Have you tried reframing this as excitement? Your body is preparing you to face something new - anxiety/fear and excitement are basically the same emotion and physical sensations just with different framing.

You don't need to try and force yourself down the route of "yay, can't wait to get rid of her" as that will clearly feel false to you, but you might find the feelings more manageable if you reframe it to yourself as "I am excited about seeing DD embark on her next adventure"?

You could also try jotting down a few things you are looking forward to happening to help you keep it in perspective?

Also, I think it will be good (and healthy) for both of you - but probably you especially - to learn that you can spend time apart without anything bad happening or without it damaging your relationship.

Children have to learn that they are separate little people from us and that although sometimes we leave we will always return. So do you. It is really important for both of you.

You don't need to be together all the time to be close and connected to each other. Once you have adjusted and your brain has had lots of experiences of "hey we can be apart for a while but it's ok" you will feel comfortable again.