AIBU to challenge nursery

[Clovis123]

As background my son is a lockdown baby and has been going to nursery since sept 2020. It’s had various covid closures and he still suffers separation anxiety on drop off and pick up (crying)

I highlighted to the nursery management how We are worried he still cries on drop off after 10 months of attending and said we are questioning whether nursery is the right environment for him.

They sent an email saying he is happy in the day and would call me to discuss solutions to drop off further but I’m still waiting (two weeks).

In the interim we found that if he picks a small toy from home (like a piece of Lego) and holds it when we drop him off he’s not upset. I think the connection to home comforts him on drop off.

At pick up tonight I was told out of the blue without any discussion to stop doing this because of “covid” and “the other children’s safety”.

I was very annoyed for the following reasons:

1. The communication is dire - this should be a dialogue rather than a flat “stop doing it”.

2.why can they wash the Lego piece when they wash his hands on entry

1. It seems really arbitrary rejection - Eg they keep all their shoes in the same box, his hat went missing and was in another kids bag, we take in nappies for him. I don’t understand why these are “covid safe” and the Lego piece is “covid risk”
2. I said the nursery should offer another solution if this one doesn’t work Rather than just tell me “no”
3. They have a new app so for the last month we have had no photos or communication as to how he is during the day so all we see is crying on drop off and pick up.

AIBU to challenge this rule of no comfort object allowed?

You are definetly not being unreasonable to challenge this,sounds like there has been very little support offered to you and options,his key person and the nursery should be supporting you and keeping you informed of how he is getting on and how you can work together to support him transitioning in the mornings with less difficulty. Maybe send an email highlighting your points and ask to schedule a meeting to discuss going forward.

Thank you - I’m losing all perspective given mix of lack of communication then just to be met with their dialogue this evening of “covid safety”

Everything Wanderlust said.

I mean, as a general principle, they aren't wrong in terms of both bringing in things from home, and in terms of the fact they have had to stop using some small toys during the COVID period but
a) it does sound as if the communication has been really poor
b) it would be very easy to let him carry it in and have a "special place" he can put it once he is in, so no-one else touches it
c)they should have been talking to you about this a LONG time before this. If he is still upset at drop off 10 months in, they really needed to have tackled this earlier working together with you.

I agree that YANBU and it shouldn't just be a straight no.

I also have a lockdown baby in nursery. He's great with drop off and pick up but a few factors made it easier for him.

His nursery has the same rule of no outside toys. I guess their objection is that a Lego piece or outside toy can be passed from child to child (also depending on which age group he's in, something small like Lego can be a choking hazard? Although I see that they didn't give that reason) whereas shoes and nappies won't get touched by the other children just the staff who I assume sanitise their hands after completing those tasks.

As a pp suggested outline your points in an email and ask for alternatives, even something simple like they drop the Lego piece in his bag once he's settled then it's away from other Children and not then a Covid risk. Not hard to find it again when it's pick up time if he needs it.

Hope you can get it resolved it must be so hard for you to leave him crying every day.

@Mummy0220 that’s a good point the shoes and nappies don’t get touched by other kids (although the shoes just go in a general basket with all kids shoes together)

I think now I’ve calmed down it’s the poor communication more than anything which is upsetting

I think that you deserve a better explanation from the nursery. My DS used to take his small toy monkey for naps and it then stayed with him all day like his comfort blanket but when he returned after Covid the rules changed and we were asked to not send in personal items or they would just be kept for nap times so we chose to not send it as we knew he would expect to hold it all day. It took a good few months to settle him back in but I agree 10months is a very long time. It’s so hard for you to see especially as you say you now aren’t getting updates during the day. Our nursery have always sent pictures etc which helps me relax!

I would say that pretty much everytime he cried at drop off within a couple of minutes he was over it and moved onto an activity. It’s a lot tougher on us in terms of guilt.

Maybe as others have suggested could his Lego piece be put into his bag once he’s settled in and forgotten about it. It seems wrong for them to not offer any solutions etc.
Does the same member of staff always collect at drop off? We found this helped a lot to give consistency but it wasn’t always possible but again if they could make an allowance and try as much as possible to see if this helps?

Fingers crossed the nursery see sense!

I have two children at nursery. Both are allowed to bring one comforter from home and have been throughout the whole Covid drama. They both have a cuddly toy but a car or a Lego brick or whatever would also be allowed.

It's nonsense that they've said no. I'm assuming that your nursery are literally wiping your child's arse/nose/hands/face of a day and cuddling them and all that - I hardly think a small toy from home that the child has touched is going to pose any additional risk on top of all that.

Cuddly toys are tricky but a 'hard' toy can be sanitised at drop off and pick up anyway. I think they are being unnecessarily strict and not very child centred.

Also, if they are trying to suggest that the toy is a risk to other children then this is also nonsense. I don't believe any nursery in the world is sanitising all their toys between each individual child touching them and keeping said little children at a social distance from each other.

That’s odd I work in a nursery and our children are bringing in toys / comforters from home. We aren’t putting shoes in a basket either! What’s that all about?!

Tell them he has to bring something from home to allow him to settle, they can sneak it away once he’s distracted with something else.
I cannot imagine there is good evidence for their rule.

Thank you so much everyone - you’ve really helped me process my thoughts on this.

We've been allowing children to bring in their comfort object. Once in they are all touching and playing with the same toys anyway. We do try to keep them primarily for nap time though and encourage children to put them in their bags as soon as they are settled.

I'm wondering if the lego is causing a problem? Maybe too small for the age group if they have ones that put things in their mouth or its small and keeps getting misplaced causing upset? Or others want to 'share' causing upset. Also some children won't play when holding a comfort object. As you say, it would be helpful if the nursery explained with more detail.

We are worried he still cries on drop off after 10 months of attending and said we are questioning whether nursery is the right environment for him

He's telling you it's not. Perhaps he'd be happier with a childminder.

I agree the communication sounds poor but I wouldn’t be happy with other kids taking a small Lego brick (choking hazard) into my DC’s nursery. If you can pick something that’s not a choking hazard / danger to other kids that should be ok.

Also I would be concerned with consistent crying at drop off. My DC have gone through phases of not wanting to go into nursery, but on the whole are happy to go in (now aged 3 and been at nursery since 11 months)

We’ve found the opposite that children are no longer crying at drop offs
We do drop offs at the gate and the children are taken in by the manager or the officer in charge and we’ve found that the quick handover has meant that the children don’t get time to get upset. We only allow comfort items such as teddies- dummies have to stay at the setting and don’t go home
We wouldn’t allow children to bring in random objects from home- they might get lost and I don’t want the responsibility of looking for a random lost object at the end of the day when I want to go home.
Is there a way you can allow him to take something but give it back to you at drop off so you can look after it?

Thank you everyone - I’ve had a chat with them.

Just to clarify, Lego is wrong brand it’s the bigger building block- duplo (?) so not a choking hazard

I spoke to the nursery manager - there was a massive miscommunication. They are fine with that set up, ie a comfort object he picks from home being used for the transition in the morning. He was dropping it into his box or into his bag (With their encouragement on entry) anyway.

The member of staff communicating with us apparently got it wrong. This particular member of staff is generally a poor communicator and other parents tell me that they’ve have been confused by conversations with her too.

It doesn’t help that because of covid they pass messages quickly at the door at pick up, so the manager is looking to create a space inside we can socially distant and step in for a chat if needed.

She also assured me that my son settles almost instantly when he is inside and has a really happy day there. He is very bonded to his key worker who moved with him from baby Room to toddler room with him... they have a new app and now everyone is trained on it will send update photos to reassure us this is the case.....

Good. I'm glad you've had a useful conversation.

Thank you @BackforGood and everyone so much for all the support and advice xxxx