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Worrying Preschool problems/ SS

9 replies

josiefox · 16/05/2021 11:23

Since my 3.5 year old son has been at a particular preschool, I have been semi under supervision (maybe too strong a term) with a lovely health worker. She was lovely and helpful when I was struggling last year in lockdown with him and my daughter and how 19 months younger. For past 12 months things have gone up and down, mainly up and I'm in a far happier place than I was. Manly bc my daughter is less 100% dependent on me for everything (she can walk, and feed herself etc). However in the past month the manager at the outdoor nursery seems to be telling social services that I am really struggling (I am not!!!) and the previously lovely health worker has turned and said that I am too. A lot of this stems from the fact that I also sought help with a group calls Turning Point for help with drinking ( I was occasionally drinking a bottle of wine of an evening- twice or three times a week). Initially they didn't think I needed help as I did not/ don't present to be dependent, which I'm not at all. And TP let me down innumerable times However some jobsworth raised an alarm with social services and now it's a nightmare. Simultaneously a mother with a grudge against me for an entirely different matter, she made some jewellery for me yet didn't follow my commission and won't give my money back and I'm taking her to small claims; reported me to the police for threatening her in the playground!!!! Bearing in mind I only found this out yesterday when a lovely policewoman called me to ask what happened. And I was utterly flabbergasted and frankly absolutely devastated as to what is happen to me. However let's backtrack to Weds afternoon. It wa the first time in two months that I saw her as managing to avoid her - and I asked how she was , hoping she might be more helpful in resolving the jewellery situation. She shouted back at me in a vile manner. I ignored her and went to get my son.
Then on Friday afternoon at 4.30 my husband and I get a message from the nursery saying tha I was banned from dropping off or collecting my son. That if ny husband wasn't able to collect him (obv he can't - he's at work at 3pm!!!) then someone who's have to bring ny son out, across the playground of the neighbouring school and deliver him to me in the car. Poor little boy not understanding why his mummy can't get him like everyone else's mothers do. The nursery issued this decree without any discussion and saying that we'd have to await Monday morning to do so. They know how upset I am about the social service investigation and have only caused more stress and upset to my increasingly fragile mental health, which they also tell me is the reason they contacted ss. Despite also telling me that my son is the kindest, sweetest boy abs most happy and popular one in the group!!! (Doesn't that character come from his parents at the age of three ?!). The policewoman has since agreed that the other mother has falsely reported me and that the nursery has behaved very inappropriately.
Anyway. What do I do??? I am utterly shaken by this yet if I tell anyone they will think I am having a breakdown and unable to care for my kids. Also no one has ever ever made any comment about me as a mother - my daughter's childminder is amazed that this is happening and my son's previous minders never once made a complaint or said anything to me in the two years he was with them before this preschool.
We want to remove him from it bc of their treatment of me, but are terrified ss will think we're hiding something. We are not. I am working mother and work incredibly hard to send my kids to fun nurseries and have a lovely life. They are very happy and healthy. I have lots of lovely friends who've never once made any sort of comment about anything. Yet since we've sent our son to this nursery everything is going wrong.
Sorry this is so long. (I am an author btw!!!).
Thank you for any help.

OP posts:
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josiefox · 16/05/2021 11:30

Ps sorry for typos!!!!! Predictive text on iPhone!!

I want to make a lm official complaint against the preschool about their vindictive behaviour towards me. How do I do this?? It does seem sad that we feel we have to remove our son bc of this. And the other mother reporting me and the preschool not even asking my side before issuing such a strong statement, is the straw that's broken my back regarding them

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 16/05/2021 11:44

None of this makes any sense. Are you in the uk?

josiefox · 16/05/2021 11:53

Yes

OP posts:
josiefox · 16/05/2021 11:54

Sorry why doesn't it make sense? My description of events?

OP posts:
takemetothelakes · 16/05/2021 12:10

I can't really work out the chain of events either. Why were you initially referred to social care? Do your kids actually have a social worker or are you under early help?

DarkedOne · 16/05/2021 12:22

I think...... OP was first referred to social care because she was struggling during the pandemic with baby plus toddler. Things were improving and she sought help for problematic drinking, surely a good thing to do. This has caused increased scrutiny of her. At same time she had a falling out with a mum she paid for a made to order necklace, which wasn't made to order. This other mum has by the sounds of it told the preschool OP was verbally abusive to her and they've now banned her from preschool premises with zero investigation of the validity of said claims.

PerspicaciousGreen · 17/05/2021 14:53

It sounds like you've got two separate problems here.

First, you have been referred to social services and you don't believe that's appropriate for you - but also, even if you don't think it is, you do need help from someone as you're struggling.

Second, your relationship with your son's preschool has deteriorated.

Let's take the second problem first. The best thing to do here is to try to take your feelings out of it and to think about what practical resolution you want. Your son is happy at the preschool and you have no concerns about his care while he is there. They describe him in glowing concerns and have no concerns about him. This is great! What you need to fix is your relationship with the preschool.

Personally, I wouldn't start with a formal complaint. I would ask for an informal meeting with the manager. I would say that you feel you are receiving appropriate support for your issues and that while you appreciate their concern for your son's wellbeing and their duty to share those concerns, you are currently seeking help and expect the SS investigation to conclude that. Also, I would say that you believe the nursery acted inappropriately in unilaterally banning you from collecting your son, and have spoken to the police about the matter and they concur. You would like them to reverse the ban, you will not converse with the other mother on preschool property and ask that they ask the same of her, and hopefully you can all move forward from this in the best interest of your son.

Focus on what you want them to do now and in the future, not what they have done in the past. If they don't agree, by all means make a formal complaint. But I'd prioritise repairing the relationship so your son can stay there where he's happy.

PerspicaciousGreen · 17/05/2021 15:01

And now the first point. The SS investigation is not necessarily punitive. In fact, it shouldn't be! One aspect of it is to check up on you and check you're not endangering your children, but the other aspect is to signpost you to the most appropriate support.

You say that "some jobsworth" raised the alarm. I'm sorry to say that many people do have a statutory duty to report various things, on the basis that it's better for them to be reported and found to have no grounds than not be reported - even though it's obviously causing you a lot of stress. It may well be a tick box exercise on a technicality, but they do have to make sure these boxes are ticked because the consequences for truly neglected children could be awful otherwise.

A positive way to approach the SS meeting will be to think in advance about what you are struggling with and what support you do need. SS do have a bit of clout in things like MH to pull their socks up and fast track you. Would you like to see a different health worker? They may be able to help you navigate that.

What they'll be looking for is a mother who cares about her children and is actively seeking and engaging with support services if she's struggling. You sound like that. "I knew I was relying on alcohol, so I sought help before it got bad." The second bit of that is really important.

DarcyLewis · 17/05/2021 20:57

Could you move your son to the same childminder as your daughter?

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