advice wanted settling 3 yr old into nursery

[maryblue]

hi there..
my son who was 3 in july started nursery in sep,(2 and a half hours 3 times a week), and is still not settled in..I have been finding this stressful and don't really know what to do!!!In a way i didn't expect it to be easy as I look after my son full time and have very rarely left him..but it seems that all the other children, even the ones with similar situations have settled in..when I first took him there he was very happy and actually surprised me by telling me I could go after just 2 sessions so I went for half an hour, then an hour, then an hour and a half..he was fine on the first 2 times but on the third time the staff rang me to come back as he was crying and wouldn't stop..so on the advise of one of the staff, I tried again the next week, again they had to ring me on the next session..then he cried the next time but was consoled and ok when i picked him up so I thought things were getting better , but the next day they rang me again and I had to go in..I then asked the staff if i could just stay with him there until he was ready then try again and they were fine about this and said we could take a whole term if we need to...which I appreciate..so I've just been staying there with him..(although I feel a bit uncomfortable as I am the only parent there all the time) but he has most of the time been enjoying it and is always positive about the place and going..but I notice that he hasn't really gelled with any one in particular yet although he does play with the other kids he has not got a good friend there like some of them have..also I feel that the staff do overlook him sometimes, probably as I am there with him so I have tried to make sure he gets involved with them so that he can start to trust them and he seems to like one woman there now although she obviously cannot play with him all the time as there are so many other kids..any way this week I decided to start trying to go again..so I went for 10 mins both times and it was OK no tears but I knew he wasn't really happy about me going, infact the second time I had to just say I was going to the toilet in the school and then hang around in the hall for 10 mins!!he did try and find me at the end tho..I really want one of the staff to make a big effort with him when I am gone just so he doesn't float around and then think about me!! but I know that this is hard in practice as they are always being asked to do things by other children..Basically I don't know how long I should do this for but I am worried if I can't settle him in to nursery its going to be worse next year when he will have to go to school..I actually seem to have less time now then before we started..amd am wondering if all the stress is worth it as we were quite happy really before nursery!!although I do feel I would like some time to myself now but only if he is happy....any advice or similar stories with happy endings please??

thank you

I would ask who his key worker is as they should be making a big effort with him. I also think at 3 they are very wise and perhaps he has learnt that if he crys they call mummy. Not suggesting they should ignore it but perhaps try to settle him a bit more before calling you. I wouldn't worry to much about the friends thing its perfectly normal at this age and in my experience strong friendships don't start to form until a little older (4yrs) unless they have been at day nursery together for years.

If you don't need him to go you need to ask whether it is worth the stress, but perhaps persevere for a few more weeks. Have you left him something of yours to look after till you come back, is there an activity that you can say you will be back after so he has something to focus on - at my nursery we tell new children mummy will be back after sandwiches. I hope it gets easier soon for you.

thanks for your reply..they don't have key workers at his nursery just three staff for all of them..I don't think this has helped actually as I (and he) have been unsure who to go to for advice etc..thats why I tried to get him to interact with one of them more so he started to ask her if he wants something..and actually today she was a lot more attentive to him when I told her I was going to try and go again..she also reassured me today that he will settle in eventually..I hope so..he didn't want me to go again so I just left it again after several attempts but will try again next time..problem is when he starts crying he is very hard to settle by other people..thats why I think they felt they needed to call me before in fact the last time this happened I asked them to try a bit longer but they rang back 10 mins later asking me to come in as he had been upset for a long time by then..to be honest I would rather they were like this then just leaving him to cry through the whole session..well I suppose I will have to wait and see how this week goes...!

i hope it gets better for you. Just a thought but they SHOULD have a key worker for him but as long as you feel you can relate to one staff member its really the same anyway. I can understand them calling you if he just won't settle, good luck.

I'm in a similar situation, although ds only started nursery 5 weeks ago. I'm staying with him too, leaving for short periods and trying to gradually increase the time I'm away. ds is very upset when I go & most of the time I'm away as well!? It's stressful and tbh I'm wishing I'd not bothered at all, but maybe waited until he was a bit older, but now I've started I don't want to take him out & waste any positive progress we've made!

I know what you mean about feeling uncomfortable being the only parent at nursery. I also feel ds is largely ignored by the staff as they think I'm there looking after him. I'm not assertive enough to tackle them on that one, but I try and encourage him to talk to them.

I'm just trying to focus on the positives, for example when he plays with other children or enjoys an activity, or goes off to do something without me.

I talked to a mum who went through this with her ds, she had to go to nursery with him for 2 months as he was distraught when she left but after 2 months he happily waved her off & hasn't looked back.

Good luck with it!

Thanks for messages..I definately think lack of key worker has made this whole process harder and will consider this if I ever have to look at nurseries again...actually last week I felt that things were starting to get a bit better as I had a proper talk to one of the staff about what was going on..I asked if she could play with him for a bit before I left and then when I went she played with him and generally kept an eye on him, which is kind of what I hoped for all along(rather just letting him get on with it and only paying attention when he was crying)..before I was saying mummy's going to the shops ok? he would say no!!but this time I told him on the way to nursery I needed to go to the shop for a specific item while he was at nursery and he said ok..then when we were there I said remember mummy has to go and buy (item) now?and it was ok!!maybe he is starting to understand that I will always come back ..but the second time he was actually smiling when I left!I did only go for short times but its a start..problem is he has been ill this week with chest infection so we haven't been able to go so I hope this does nt undo our good work....

Be consistant! Have a routine!

Eg Help him take off coat and hang it up, have a 2 minute chat with a staff member,help him find something to do for a couple of minutes, then say "goodbye, I'll be back later", then go.

He might be happy with that sometimes, he might be unhappy. The key thing is he will have the security of knowing exactly what is happening.

Be aware that children often cry because they're upset at first, but carry it on because they can keep you at nursery longer! So many times we've had a child at my nursery stop crying the second their mum leave and go happily off and play!

He'll never settle while you're there.

What you have to do is decide whether you want him to attend nursery school or not. If you don't, take him out and have done with it. If you do, you need to be prepared to let him cry it out for a bit. He'll get over it soon enough, they all do.

What's the point of him going to nursery if you have to go with him?

come up with a routine but very brief goodbye, you may be better saying 'see you soon' if "bye" or waving is too final for him
take a bag with him, that he takes every time. get a small bear keyring or something and attach it to the bag, telling him that this is (depending on what he can understand) either 'yours' and you want him to look after it til you get back; or it is to remind him of you. I have done both of these things with my (two different) DC.
If he has something of "his" - the bag with his stuff in, always the same one, and also something of "yours", then i have experience that this works, for children younger than 3 as well.
As you say, he would possibly be better equipped for school if he could get used to you being away from him for a short time, but if you try being firm and convinced yourself that it will be a success (don't let him get any idea you expect any crying from him) it might help at this point.
If all else fails, stop it for a few weeks if the nursery will agree to this, and then 'reset' everything with him. tell him what to expect, that mummy will drop him off, he will play/have snack/paint/whatever, then mummy will come back. make it clear that he is big and is going to enjoy his time making new friends.
does this sound like toddler-brainwashing it worked for us with our reluctant DS2, who is first in the line at school and from day one was showing the other children what to do because he knew these things from nursery...