Nursery or Grandparents? 3 Full Days or 5 Half Days?

[JenXG]

Hi All, Ftm here and just wondered if you could please share your opinions on/experiences in childcare.

So I have to return to work from DS is one year's old. I can either send him to a nursery or have my mum living with us and looking after him. I asked my friends about it and most prefer grandparents since they wholeheartedly care the child (not saying nurseries don't care but you see what i mean) and can provide one to one interactions. But the issue is that, looking back I didn't enjoy my childhood very much as my mum's parenting style was the 'tiger' kind and I always felt that I missed the nurturing bit from mummy as a child myself. I'm sure she'll truly love and care DS. But she's just not the nurturing kind and lacks a bit empathy when dealing with kids. I've mentioned my concern to her once and said I might prefer the nursery. She found it (that I thought nursery was better) unacceptable and thought I was joking (about I didn't like my childhood). So I think it's safe to assume she won't change...

Which option do you think would make DS happier, with a grandma who's no expert in interacting with kids but really loves and cares him, or a nursery with well trained staff but obviously each child only gets 1/3 or 1/8 of their attention?

The other question is whether you think 3 full days or 5 half days with grandparents/in nursery is better? I would go for 3 full days before the pandemic to save time spent on commute. But given the current situation I expect my employer will encourage work from home permanently so commuting is probably not a problem any more. I'd imagine half days will suit DS better. What do you think?

TIA

Don't forget you also have the option of a childminder.

Just to be clear, before I answer, does your Mum live with you already, or would she only be moving in, to look after your little one ?

I've done 3 full days and 5 half days and I preferred the half days. On my full days, I barely got to spend any time with my baby and because it was at the end of the day, he was usually pretty grumpy! With working mornings, I find that it doesn't feel like I'm away from him that long so it's better. Plus I'm in control of half his routine so can make sure he still gets a good nap in the afternoon etc... It was also better from a work perspective too. When I worked 3 full days I often found that a lot could happen in the 2 days I wasn't around and so spent time playing catch up. When I worked 5 half days I felt like I was in the loop a lot more and actually more productive as a result.

As for nursery or grandparent. Could you do both? My second dc will be in nursery 2 mornings a week and with grandparents 3 mornings a week. First dc was with grandparents for the whole time but on reflection I think it was too much. Plus my first dc struggled at preschool because he'd had no nursery experience prior and so took ages to settle (although not all children have this issue).

Grandparents until 18m-2 then nursery for the learning/childcare focus. Beware once grandparents start it may lead to some resentment/begrudge it as it's not just a 'get the good bits' arrangement plus it's bloody hard work! You may want to save grandparent care for your freedom outside of work rather than just at work. Also nursery could cover for sickness, grandparents don't (not priority if WFH and can do with child there though).

How would you cope with your DM living with you?
Do you have a partner?

@BackforGood

Hi thanks for replying. We (DH and I) have thought about childminders but neither of us has any experience. It'd be very difficult for us to find a good one (or tell whether a childminder is good or not since we don't know what to look out for). Nurseries are much more standard / structured so an easier option for us.

My parents haven't come yet. They were planning to come along and help with the newborn phase but that wasn't possible during the lockdown. (They haven't met their grandson since he was born. How sad!). So understandably they are very keen to get involved in his toddler years.

Oh! I forgot to say I was talking about 8 months ish period (DS 12-20 months old). I'm not letting grandparents look after DS forever. I was thinking alternative to nurseries because 12 months feels a bit too young to leave home and go to nursery. Once DS turns 20 months I'll look to let him go to nursery if he's ready. I think he'll eventually need to interact with other kids. 2-3 years old feels about right to me.

So, still trying to establish, are you actually suggesting your Mum (or your parents?) come and live with you, in your house, or are you talking about her / them coming over for the hours you are working ?

@Aria2015 I would prefer 5 half days as well. I guess a day will feel very long for a young kid. The thought that DS won't see me for whole day makes me really worried. I've seen many old threads where most people said they preferred full days which made me a bit less confident in going for half days. But your experience is really assuring! Thanks!

The reason why I think about grandparents is that I don't want DS to start nursery too early. I'm worried about him having separation anxiety (or maybe i'm the one who's anxious!). Re getting used to school - I'm planning to let him go to nursery from 20 months ish so hopefully that'll solve the issue.

@SlB09 yes exactly our plan! Grandparents would just 'bridge' the very young ages. We'll let DS go to nursery from 20months -2years old ish. Very true about the hard work bit. Even just half days would put lots of stress onto my parents. Both DH and I will work from home for most of the time. Maybe that'll help a bit, e.g. I can take over for 10 minutes if grandma wants a cuppa, etc.

@ineedaholidaynow
Hi thanks for reply. We used to visit my parents and live at theirs for 2 weeks ish every year. DH and my parents get along quite well. They respect each other. It's me sometimes like arguing with my mum. But they are all random small bits, like whether to serve lemon tea cold or hot, etc, no fundamental issues. But I don't know about long term... If it's better for DS to be with grandparents, then we are willing to make some compromise - I can serve tea in DM's way. I'm thinking of 8 months ish not longer than that.

So would they both be moving in permanently or just for the days you need them?

@BackforGood

So, still trying to establish, are you actually suggesting your Mum (or your parents?) come and live with you, in your house, or are you talking about her / them coming over for the hours you are working ?

My parents live in another country. So they'll have to come and live with us for the whole period. I know my mum would enjoy living with us here. But my dad might find it boring. I expect him to live with us a bit then travel around / go back home and then come back live with us a bit again, etc.

Nursery and 5 half days - no question.

@ineedaholidaynow

So would they both be moving in permanently or just for the days you need them?

They live abroad so will stay with us for the whole period.

Nursery avoids any issues with illness, tiredness etc that grandparents may have. It's hard work for them as you've said yourself. But more importantly I would be less keen on having someone who is 'not the nurturing type and lacks empathy'. That's someone who might be a cool grandma when they're older, but isn't who I would want looking after my tiny baby. Grandparents aren't automatically the best choice; it really depends on the individuals, and it comes across as if you're not totally convinced but are more worried about disagreeing with your mum. Put your baby first.

Your mum didn't give you what you wanted looking back as a child so id be worried about that.....having someone live in your home and effectively take over is difficult so that would be a no from me.
I say go meet some childminders....they are regulated and inspected by the same ofsted inspectors as a nursery so that is the standard they all work to the Eyfs as does any registered setting up to an including reception.
You can spend time talking to them watch them with your child and other children and see how warm and loving the environment is. With a nursery you dont get that relationship your child doesn't get the same one to one time as there are several babies at the same stage a childminder can set up activities that allow them to be one to one with each child for time every day and can tailor the care to individual needs. You will know when you meet someone that you can work with.

There is no way in a million years I could have my parents-in-law living in my house for 8 months. That's nothing against my P-i-L - we get on fine. Unless you have an annexe / granny flat with separate kitchen and living space, that is a HUGE ask, both on your relationship with your dh, and with your Mother, and also between your parents.
That's before you get on to the other information you put in to your OP :
But the issue is that, looking back I didn't enjoy my childhood very much as my mum's parenting style was the 'tiger' kind and I always felt that I missed the nurturing bit from mummy as a child myself. I'm sure she'll truly love and care DS. But she's just not the nurturing kind and lacks a bit empathy when dealing with kids

Personally, I chose a childminder when mine were little, as I felt it was the best 'home from home' option for my dc, but, as you aren't keen on that, I'd definitely choose a Nursery over having two more adults living in your home for 8 months.

My eldest was cared for by my MIL and struggled a lot socially. She is very nice would never have taken him too toddler groups etc. It definitely affected him long term not getting too be around other kids.

My younger 2 children both went too the same childminder. They are both much more sociable, outgoing and confident. My toddler has only been with her a few months and has come on in leaps and bounds.

Personally I would use paid childcare. It might be worth looking into childminders as another option. My kids adore there childminder and she treats them like family.

What do you see your DM actually doing with your child? Will they take them to toddler groups, baby ballet, swimming or will they just plonk them in a playpen and watch TV? My LO went to nursery from 11 months and loved it. Loved playing with the other children, playing with the toys, they set up paddling pools on hot days and had them building snowmen in the winter. Loads of walks around the local woods and parks. Will your Mum do art and craft, baking, messy play, jelly baths? Your child will get all that, and more, in a professional childcare settings.

I wouldn't do half days. Toddlers tend to take a long afternoon nap so if you do mornings at nursery, you won't get much quality time with him in the afternoon and if you do afternoons in nursery, he won't get much benefit from it.

It's also nice to have a full day off with your child.

Moving your parents in sounds like a terrible idea - it just doesn't sound like you get on well enough

I’d probably chose nursery and 3 full days, although we do a blend of the 2. Have you considered 2 full days and nursery and 1 full day with grandparents? We did half days for a while and tbh it was a nuisance for everyone, it was so short and I felt like DS was being moved around too much. You can plan much in half a day and if you have to arrange an appointment or something it’s really difficult.

This would be my worst nightmare! If you are resigned to have your parents stay with you for several months (are you mad???) then I’d say your child goes to nursery every morning and they look after it every afternoon. You could drop baby off in the morning and they could pick it up at lunchtime. Be prepared for them to take full control of your child though!

My DD did nursery from 1yo and it worked very well. She wasn't full time, it between 2, 2.5 and 3 days over 3.5 years depending on work patterns. If it's a good nursery, I don't think 12 months is too young at all. At hers, they loved the little ones, she got loads of cuddles!

My toddler went to nursery 3 full days a week from 6 months and is the most sociable, outgoing and friendly almost 2 year old you could wish for. Parental support wasn’t an option for me but choose the right nursery (we chose one with a specific completely separate baby room & facilities) and it will be much better for everyone. Then you can have your parents to stay for as long or as little as you & they want without them having to have full responsibility.
My parents care for my nephew for a lot of hours and do find it wearing (they live near him) and it has affected their relationship with my sister as they have different attitudes to parenting and there have been volcanic arguments

Op i was a childminder many years ago. I worked with a friend at her house and we had such a lovely time. The children we looked after were all nurtured and it was like home from home. We did so much with them and because there are a limit on how many children at certain ages you can mind, the children had alot of one to one. Looking back it was such a lovely time. Obviously do your research, ask for recommendations and visit as many as you can if possible during covid. On the other hand my 5 year old grandson was in nursery from age 2 and really didn't get on well there so I looked after him. I still have him everyday now schools are closed. I didn't have the greatest upbringing and although my mum is lovely now I would never have asked her to mind my children while I went to work each day. I would have worried as her parenting style is totally different to mine and she is a bit harsh and demanding. I hope you can look at all alternatives before making such a huge decision to have your mum move in for such a long time x

Both of mine started in paid childcare from around 13 months. DC1 at a wonderful childminder and DC2 at an equally wonderful nursery. Having used both there are pros and cons to both. As a FTM with DC1 I felt happier with the smaller home setting the childminder provides. With DC2 I was happier with the nursery and DC2 absolutely loves it there. They are two very different children though and I still feel childminder was the right choice for DC1.

I do three full days and cannot imagine half days working well at all. But I cannot WFH, I imagine half days would be easier with no commute. I like my full days with the children though and even a full day flies by!

Cannor think of anything worse than my mum looking after them. She would say the same too!

But she's just not the nurturing kind and lacks a bit empathy when dealing with kids

Why would you want someone like this looking after your child?