Nursery manager made comment on my separation

[NC249]

Hi there,
Today I called my daughter's nursery to ask how my daughter was. My ex dropped her to nursery and mentioned she was having a tantrum and refusing to go before she went in. The nursery manager told me my daughter had recovered since this morning and then went on to say how she didn't think that things would end up the way they did with me and daughters dad. I was a bit confused as although we were still together when our daughter started at the nursery, I never made any comments to staff about the separation at all.I've asked my ex and he said he hasn't and also my daughters nan who happens to know the manager locally. I'm confused as to where she got this information from and is she breaking any rules by commenting on it?

If the adults haven't told her then I'd say the child has. Children will freely come out with all sorts.

If she's heard from someone in passing outside her work then I don't think she's breaking any rules. She should definitely mind her own bloody business tho and I would of told her that if it was me

But nursery will know, surely? As soon as you update the emergency contact forms to separate addresses it’s really obvious.

Does it really matter? It doesn’t sound like she’s judging you and it’s helpful for them to know of any big changes in your child’s life.
Sorry to hear about it though. Even if it’s amicable, separation sucks.

Child has probably told them. And it’s something you should tell a nursery because children are affected by separation as it causes changes in their behaviour.

How old is your dd, could she have said something?

To be honest the bigger question is why haven’t you told the nursery? (Unless it happened within the last week or so.) They provide care for your child and should be aware of any big change in your child’s life

I know you don't want everyone knowing your personal business but it can be helpful for staff to know about things that could unsettle your DD.

Please think carefully about what you have written. I'm sure it was upsetting to hear someone you hadn't told referring, perhaps somewhat clumsily, to something so intensely personal.

However, "breaking the rules".

I'm assuming you mean confidentiality rules?

How can it possibly break confidentiality by bringing up your separation with you? Different if she had spread it round all the other parents or informed what I assume is your ex's mother.

WRT to who told her - I suspect your daughter or someone else in the community has told her.

TBH I think you are probably in the wrong here anyway - it would have been courteous to inform the nursery about the separation as children often act out big upsets at home like this one. No matter how amicable you think it all is your daughter will have noticed something is up. I think it would have been prudent to warn the staff her behaviour might change and ask them to raise any issues with you.

Perhaps your DC has expressed some emotions aboùr the situation and she was trying to drop her knowledge of your separation so it might be easier to discuss these things in future?

I have never gone through a separation so perhaps I shouldn't comment at all, but I know they can be rough on children. Hope all is okay regardless

Isn't the fact that you have separated the kind of info that nursery need to know?

I just can't see the issue here.

Next time just say I would prefer not to discuss my private life unless it directly involves my child.

Thanks for the comments.
Reading through my post I guess I realised I was more upset about the manager discussing my business more than anything. My ex and I were always living apart since daughter was at nursery and we still were together until Summer this year. I didn't think about informing the nursery about the separation but can now see how it may affect my daughter. She's 2 years old and I doubt she did mention it to the nursery but then again who knows.

I think it's odd you wouldn't mention it to the nursery as of course it going to effect your daughter. Perhaps spend more time think of that rather than if the manager is in your buisness.

This is not your situation, OP, but I really do recommend that you tell nursery about the split, or indeed any big change at home, whether or not you think it is affecting your child. You don't need to give details, but just give them a heads up so that they can keep an eye on her, just in case.

I remember a child at school, aged 7, whose personality seemed to change overnight. From being a quiet but willing pupil, one Monday he became disengaged, irritable and suddenly exploded, throwing his book in the air and bursting into tears.

He wouldn't say what was wrong, but said noone had said or done anything to him, he just hated school and wanted to go home.

I rang his mum who was shocked and surprised but confirmed that she knew of no problems and would talk to him that night. She sent a message in the next day to say he was fine and she thought he was just overtired.

Except he clearly wasn't fine. He didn't have any more blow-ups but over a couple of weeks he became more and more withdrawn, quietly stopped working and stood around alone at playtime. We tried everything, 1-1 chats, pairing him with different children, giving him choices of activity, insisting on him completing work, asking him to take work home to finish etc. All to no avail.

We kept in close touch with his mum who said he was fine at home and not saying anything about school. She said there was nothing happening at home and that he wasn't ill.

One weekend I ran into his mum in town, hand in hand with someone I knew was not her husband (who had been to social events at school, but was never involved in conversations about his son at school). She introduced this man as her new partner who had moved in as her husband had moved out, exactly when her son had changed. 'One out, one in!' she said. I must have shown more than I intended in my face because she added, 'Should I have told you?' It hasn't affected him at all'.

Once we (sensitively, obviously) talked with him about his dad, he opened up and talked about how he felt about the situation. We were able to provide support and he was able to tell us when he couldn't cope or how we could help him cope. We couldn't change the situation, but us knowing about it made such a difference to him and to how we dealt with his response.

It was rude of her to give her opinion in the way that she did. It's not her place to share what she thought of your relationship. So unprofessional.