Settling in at nursery, should I give up?

[Propercrimboselecta]

My LO has been settling in at nursery for 1 month for 4 days a week for a few hours at a time. 1 year old.

Cries on drop off every drop off and it is getting worse. Today was recoiling away from me in the car outside. Previously was crying at the door.

Fine once I am gone but I have been told does cry on and off through the day, not in a sad way but in a cross way.

My gut is telling me to stop trying and wait another year. We will be slightly worse off if I am not working but we can be careful and get by if I give up work. I can also try a childminder.

What do you think?

It took around a month for my son to settle. Now when I arrive to pick him up, he runs back inside to play.

I think lockdown hasn't helped such small children, because they're so unsocialised and only used to us.

It wasn't an option for us to give up on nursery so we persisted and he now loves it.

It's entirely up to you. I'm sure they'll settle eventually, though.

When you say 1 year old, how many months? DS is now 16 months and I think it took a little while for the repetitive pattern of drop off/pick up to register in his mind, for him to remember that mummy and daddy aren't abandoning him and do pick him up at the end of the day x

When you say 1 year old, how many months?

16 months also. Have been doing sessions since 15 months.

It does take a while to settle for some children but that sounds extreme and very stressful for everyone.

Could you explore other options - shorter hours or a childminder? A different setting on a much smaller more homely scale may work for him. I'd go with that first before stopping work for a year and trying again, that's quite major.

Honestly I would stop settling in and just send him properly. DS is 10 months and the settling in sessions were worse for him then being there for the full time. He still cries on and off but goes to the staff for comfort now. With your child being older, and his crying being more related to anger or frustration, it’s possible a full day might force him to find different coping mechanisms.

I'd go with that first before stopping work for a year and trying again, that's quite major.

I work 2 jobs (one self employed) so would still have some income, sorry I didn't put that in the OP. If I stayed self employed I mostly do this on weekends when DH is home, so I would be losing approx £1000 a year from giving up my other job (due to savings on childcare costs).

Shorter hours aren't an option at the moment due to my working hours but I will look in to a childminders, I wasn't sure if that would work much differently to a nursery in terms of settling in.

Honestly I would stop settling in and just send him properly

The settling in sessions aren't short, they are a good few hours at a time. Nursery won't take him if he isn't ready to do full days all the time as they don't want children to be distressed, I don't want that either.

Is it uncommon for children not to be settled in after very regular settles for a month?

I see. In that case I can understand why waiting a year might make sense.

There's no harm in trying a childminder, the environment is totally different from a nursery and could suit him better. It's what I wanted to my children but unfortunately could never get one to suit my working hours.

Hopefully something works out for you, but this time is short so another year will go by before you know it. If in your gut you'd rather wait maybe stick to that. You can still do playgroups and classes (well maybe one day) so that he can meet other little ones.

I think my gut says stop trying for a while but then I feel guilty, am I giving it enough time, am I being selfish, if it is just tears on drop off and a few through the day? Luckily there is a toddler group running nearby that we could go to.

It does make sense for them to be there more. It does help them settle in better. My DS was unsettled at with a CM until he went full time. Then he flourished.

I have to say, if I was only losing £1,000 a year after childcare payments are considered, I'd give up that job too, I think. I'd love to have extra time to spend with DS. It amounts to less than £100 loss per month.

In fact the way I'd look at it is, I'm working for less than £100 per month. There's no way I'd do that, plus forfeit time with DS, for such little money, if I knew we wouldn't struggle financially.

I think at the moment I'd be losing something more like £200 as I'm not having to commute but as soon as they say they want me in the office rather than WFH, an extra £100 goes on fuel and parking, and this WFH probably won't last forever

He's still a baby i would leave him another year if you don't have to work.

Honestly, I would stop trying to settle him in and have him at home with you. He's trying to tell you something, listen to him.

I would stay at home with him for now if it meant only losing £1k a year.

For £1k I'd keep him home with me.

Ds & DD were at nursery 3 days a week from 4 months as SMP was even less than it is now when I had them. We definitely didn't have anything like the settling in process your nursery is doing and I'm wondering if that is hindering the process. If you had to be at work all day, 4 days a week and had booked them into nursery what would you be expected to do now with them telling you he can't come for whole days because he isn't ready? Can I ask what you are currently paying in terms of fees? Are you paying for the full day and they only have him part of it or are they only charging for time he is actually with them (nurseries are not known for their flexibility in this area). I wonder if trying a full day might help. He's not particularly young to be going, many people go back to work after a year and put DC in nursery.

On the only working for a few hundred pounds point - I had this view at the time but after many threads on MN on this subject I have come more round to the thinking its more about preserving your pension and earning power by continuing to work so childcare fees should be considered half your cost and half the cost of DH/DP (much like you each have your own travel costs) rather than a i'm only working for X amount with DO/DH's salary unaffected by having DC. It obviously amounts to the same thing in terms of money coming in each month but thinking about it in a different way makes both parents jointly responsible for the child they created together.