Nursery at 22 months - the guilt

[LyndzB]

I'm self employed. Business has took a hit due to Covid. And I've just put my ds in nursery two days a week.

He's been there 3 weeks and every time I drop him off or pick him up he cries. His behaviour has changed too, he sleeps well and isn't clingy. But he doesn't seem as happy.

The ladies who look after him are amazing and they say he's happy while he's there - sleeps well and eats plenty and joins in with the little ones.

I just feel so guilty. Especially when I read that they shouldn't be in nursery until at least 3. But I can't afford to do that. I feel so bad. Can someone please cheer me up with their positive nursery stories!

Firstly, I don't for one moment subscribe to the idea that children shouldn't be in nursery until three. I firmly believe that children benefit from being around other children in a group setting. I can't speak for you but I have neither the imagination or inclination to facilitate half the activities they do there (messy play etc) and the people who work there do a great job.

My son has been going since 9 months and he is now 3, in his Pre school year. He loves nursery and despite a little wobble after lockdown, he asks to go most mornings (he does 2.5 days). He loves to play with his friends and learns new stuff all the time. His key workers know him well and he likes them. The other week he came home so proud because he was the "line captain" and was the person at the front of the lines for the day.

It will be strange if he's not used to being away from you but becoming his own little person for a few hours each week is important and fun too. With time, they'll help him get there.

I agree with everything PP has said. (A good) nursery is great for baby/ toddler development, so long as they’re not spending more time there than they are with their primary caregiver.

What is his relationship like with you generally? Sorry to say this but it’s usually children with insecure attachments that get emotional when away from primary caregivers.

Who said they shouldn't be in until three!? How are women supposed to have lives and careers??!

Mine is 10 months and I'm DESPERATE for him to go to nursery. Don't get me wrong, I'll miss him like mad and probably find it incredibly hard, but I feel like he's missing out socially and developmentally being at home with just me at the moment.

Don't worry! You're doing a great job and he will get so much from being around other people and learning new things. It just takes time to adjust and he might be tired! Keep going X

My son was in nursery three days a week from 8-5.30 from he was about 7 months. He used to cry pretty much every day when I dropped him off and continued to do so all through nursery and probably until year 2.

He’s now 16 and claims he loved nursery, fondly remembers his key worker and the pasta they used to give him.

Save yourself the Mum guilt. It’s not good for your mental health and You ARE doing the best for him.

I don't buy into the no nursery before three thing at all. It makes those of us that have to go back to work and have have no choice but to use it feel like crap. But if it helps, my 23mo loves nursery. There was the initial settling in bit, and a few tears after he went back following lockdown, but now he runs out of the door shouting 'babies yay!' because he wants to see his friends. And he does so much stuff there that he doesn't always get to do at home - painting and crafts and interactive games and songs.

@Fast90 - what a horrible thing to say. It's also incorrect. Please read up on insecure attachment, as you clearly do not understand it.

@BlusteryShowers he sounds so happy! Thanks so much for your reply, it really put me at ease :)

Yes, lockdown has been a strange one. I think totally normal for everyone to wobble not just the little ones!

And yes! He definitely gets to do things at nursery that we don't do here.

I had my first son at nursery from 10 months and he loves it there. I really felt he was missing out on the activities and social interaction when he couldn’t go during lockdown. Now he’s back and his key workers are amazing, teaching him new things and giving some really useful feedback on him. I now have my 4 month old at the same nursery and she’s settled in amazingly well. She has lots of interaction and seems to love watching all of the other babies in her room. I’ve never heard of the not going to nursery until 3. To each their own but I’m a massive fan!

Ignore the idiotic comment^ obviously some unresolved issues going on there.

I wouldn’t worry at all, it’s perfectly normal for little ones to get upset at drop offs. Its lovely you’ve had this time together, I had to put DD in nursery from 11 months and it was a challenge. She loves it though and has learned so much.

I have a friend who spends a lot of time alone and won’t use childcare, when I see her it’s quite obvious her child hasn’t had much interaction. I think it’s very rare these days for children to not go until age 3- and at the moment it’s likely those children would be quite disadvantaged because of the lack of toddler groups/ library and activities available right now.

DD was 2 in July and she asks to go now, she’s made little friends already and it’s so sweet to see. Try not to worry! Mum guilt is awful but I’ve learned that it’s pointless as it helps no one.

Awww don’t feel guilty . My 19 month old is in nursery 3 morning’s a week and I don’t even have to put him in but I decided to anyway . I needed a break and he loves nursery !! It’s so normal for them to cry like that though and some kids never grow out of it . He’s probably loving nursery !!! And it will take a while for him to adjust . When I first put my little one in nursery he acted off/clingy at home as well but he adjusted and is now great .

Mine went to nursery full time from six months old when I went back to work. The nursery was brilliant and they did so well there. Nursery does so much that you’d never think of doing at home. Some children settle in quicker than others - they are all different. It’s doesn’t mean there are any problems. It’s been such a weird year, everyone is unsettled. Block out the mummy guilt - soon he’ll be crying when he can’t go to nursery at weekends!

At that age they may cry at drop off and pick up for a few weeks but often are happy and settled during the rest of the day. It’s a normal part of learning to be with different care givers and a new environment. They also need time to process all the new things they are learning and experiencing.

We find they settle quickest starting on two/three half days per week so the gap between sessions isn’t too long initially but not so long it’s overwhelming and build up to full time from this. Although that isn’t possible for everyone’s situations of course.

My youngest started nursery at 1 I think he cried at drop off for a year but he loved it when there his brother went there until school so had no concerns about the setting.

I’ve never felt any guilt about using childcare and they were both in 4 days. The alternative of being a one salary household isn’t an option and would be far more detrimental to all members of the household.

I think you just need to let it go as well as letting go your concern that children shouldn’t be in nursery until 3. For the vast vast majority of people (women) it’s not the always possible to stay off work for three years (and even if it was I certainly have no interest being a SAHM when I worked hard to create a career for myself!). Nursery is part of life it’s been around for years and people seem to have survived it!