It all started so well (Sorry it's long)

[JakesMum05]

My 2 yo DS started nursery at the beginning of September and right from his settling in sessions loved it. He was happy to be there and always said he'd had a nice time when we picked him up.
But last week in the morning before he went, i said he was going to nursery (i like to prepare him), and he said 'no', 'don't like 'and 'mad' (which seems to cover any number of emotions, reactions etc of himself and others). The drop off was awful, he was crying, i was trying not to cry. We left him because the staff were encouraging and he did eventually go willingly. My DH and i went away so his gran picked up and took him again the next day. He was fine on the pick up but not the drop off.

He's supposed to go again tommorrow morning but this morning i said 'nursery tomorrow' (in an upbeat tone) and he went white and said no again. Since then he has been quite sombre (unusually) and quite clingy (more so than usual).

The nursery did ring us after an hour and say he was fine, he was clutching his drink very tightly but was fine and had stopped crying. Clutching his drink, to me, isn't fine, it's upset, but i suppose if he's not crying he'd seem ok. An hour of so later i rang back and they said the same thing.

His dad was off work last week so we thought he might think he was missing something, but he's the same today about tommorrow. I have friends who said it took their boys (of the same age) a while to settle in. The nursery staff said it can take them a while to realise what's happening, hence the delay in disliking us leaving him.

However, my problems are as follows. Just to take him out would be easier for us all but i worry that if he doesn't like pre school next year and we do the same thing, we'll be stuck the year after because it'll be school and he has to go.

AND the reason we've sent him to nursery is so i can up his time there at specific intervals to prepare him for school. He doesn't need to go, as far as childcare is concerned 'cause i don't work. It is purely to get him used to socialising and going into that kind of environment ready for school.

But if he really doesn't want to go , and he doesn't need to go should i just take him out , prevent to distress and try again next year or stick with it and hope/assume he settles eventually ?

All advice/experience would be greatly appreciated.

When was he two?
My friend had this sort of trouble so she left it for a term and then started her dd again when she was three I think. She settled in much better then iirc.

I started DS at nursery at around 3 and he hated it too, left it another year and he now loves it.

I think they embrace the idea of other children as they get a bit older.

I would take him out if it were me.

my dt's have been at nursery since they were 5 months old - they are now 2.9 and around middle of this year started to play up at drop off time - i think it's an age thing rather than him being distressed. Mine go full time, so you'd think they would be well and truly settled by now, but they still pushed the boundaries and said 'don't want to go school today mummy, want to stay at home'.

They moved to preschool about 2 weeks ago (same nursery, new room), and they haven't played up once since cos they are still excited about being all grown up.

I would stick with it as it will do him some good, and if nursery are assuring you that he's fine once you have gone, then take their word for it. My two were always very pleased to see me when i picked them up regardless of how the drop off went, so i knew they were happy.

He does not need to be prepared for school at 2 IMO. When he's 4 - absolutely - but at 2 I think he'd be better off at a low key playgroup where you can stay with him.

Leave it until he's 3 or later. Take him out of you don't need it for childcare.

I didn't send ds until he was 4 and he waltzed in without a care in the world and loved it from day 1. He'd spent his time up until preschool at 2 mums and tots groups, a music group and playing with friends, so no worries about socialising.

what is the nursery like? are you happy with it?

my 2-year-old went to Okay Nursery from 10 ms to 2 years, when I moved her to Fab Nursery after her 2nd birthday. How she loved Fab Nursery, after a week or two to settle she would run in, delighted, and when we picked her up she would point out excitedly all the things she had done

Then they closed Fab Nursery

Now she goes to Not So Fab Nursery and she hates it. Every morning when dd1 says she is going to school, dd2 says 'I don't want to go to nursery', even tho she only goes 2 days a week. If we drive past the entrance at any time she says it too

She has a place in Lovely Pre School when she is 3 so we are just riding it out tbh because I need the childcare

just a thought

My DS2.5 has gone to nursery 2 or 3 days a week since he was 7 months old. He moved nursery last year as his old one closed and he has since moved class in his new nursery (and is due to move again shortly).

Generally DS loves nursery and is quite happy to try new things (i.e. visits to next class in preparation for moving up). But as soon as change happens (i.e. he moves up class), he is unsettled for a while. Currently, he doesn't want to move class because its 'too noisy' (cos he's soooo quiet ).

I know in a couple of weeks he will be fine. (I'm not being flippant here, it stresses me out when he gets upset but experience has taught me that he will soon settle).

I have found that nursery has suited my DS very well despite the odd wobble at periods of change.

What you describe sounds to me like the initial novelty has worn off and now your DS is aware that this is isn't a one off, but his new routine. I would be inclined to give it a bit longer before making a decision. Also, I'm not sure what hours he's doing - but maybe half days would be better than full ones until he settles?

I had 2 girls in the same nursery - DD1 loved it could not wait to get there, DD2 hated it and would cling to me crying and have to be peeled off to leave her there. I was happy with the nursery and the staff and have to attribute DD2's behaviour to her personality. She went there from 1 through to 2.5 - 3 days a week while I was at work. In the end the crying got worse not better so I cut down my hours at work and reduced her time at nursery. We then moved and she had a bit of a break before starting preschool - which she was always very happy with and did not have any problems with going into. DD2 is now 4 and still remembers not liking the nursery. She has started school and we have had no problems with her settling in there.

Hope this helps. Go with your gut instinct - maybe the nursery will let you have some more settling in sessions with him.

You're an SAHM.

Is your ds going to nursery to give you a break for a while (I can understyand a lot of people do this if they don't have family or friends close by) or is it really to get him ready for attending school in 3 years' time?

I think some of the posters have assumed you don't have the choice, in which case it's definitely a grin and bear it situation.

But if you do have the choice, then I would seriously think about waiting until his pre school year. A year or 2 is a long long time - he'll be a totally different child by then in terms of his ability to be independent and look forward to being with his own friends, rather than just other children at his nursery IYSWIM.

i agree with bobsmum.

always go with your gut.
and a year, or a term, or even 2 years is an incredibly long time in the life of a toddler.

We had this problem with my DD last September when she was 2.4yrs. She absolutely hated it from day one - we tried everything for a week and realised that she obviously wasn't ready and so took her out. Like you I was a SAHM so there was no need for her to really go.

She has just started at pre-school, is just starting her second week and absolutely loves it! No probs whatsoever. Leaving it for a year was the best decision, she has changed so much in that year and has surprised me with how well she has taken to it.

Take him out for now. DS1 was a shocked settling at preschool when he was 2.9 - any younger, if he'd kicked off, I'd have taken him out. Took him a term to warm to it, now he's trying to let go of my hand as we get there, so he can run in and play with the trains (he's 3.5 now).

Don't worry about "in a year" or "school" - it's MILES away, developmentally. When he's a bit older, he'll be able to tell you how he feels better and you'll be able to explain better to him as well.

I understand though, it's hard leaving them when they're not happy. I'd say don't, unless you have to, not at this age.

At 2 I put DS1 into a nursery to give me a bit more time with DS2 who'd just been born. He hated it. After a few months I pulled him out as we were meant to be moving to a new area. Forward a few more monthe, he was 3.4, we had relocated and he started at pre-school. Loved it from day. No problems. Nada.

DS2 started at the same pre-school 2 weeks ago, just turned 3. Again no problems.

3 is a whole different stage than 2. Don't worry about socialising and prep for school. IMO it's not necessary. It's up to you what you do, of course, but if it were me, I'd take him out for now and just do playgroups.

Thanks to everyone, especially those who say 3 is a very different age from 2 and socialising isn't that big an issue yet. In case those who replied check back and in answer to questions.

He is 2 years 3 months. He does 2 half days, the nursery is nice and the staff seem lovely but I am a very mistrustful person and you don't know what's going on when you leave !!

He cried again this morning but went more willingly. They have phoned twice to say he is fine, happily playing.

We need to give a months notice so i think we've decided to give it preliminarily and if he improves retract it, if he doesn't then take him out.

I have genuinelly sent him to help him, i don't need time off from him, i have a wonderfully supportive mother so if the socialisation and independence is of little significance at this point then it seems his distress is the main concern.

Also do 2 year olds make stuff up ? He says the ladies are scary and that boys are pushing him. DH worried he's being bullied.

Thanks again

My HV seemed eager for him to attend nursery, but then she seemed eager to for him to do or stop other things i don't agree with so...

We go to Tumble Tots every week, meet up with friends fortnightly but don't go to playgroups. I am very shy and worry my anxiety in that situation might affect him.

Sorry to be so needy

Thanks

x

My DS started nursery when he was 15 months old and it was really hard at first - he cried when I left him and had to be peeled from me. After about a month, he was absolutely fine, I had to chase him round the room to get a kiss good-bye. He then moved into a different room and loved it even more and used to race down the corridor to get there.

He has been in the nursery for a year now and has recently moved upstairs to the toddler room (he is now 2.3) and has been there a month now and cried every morning and was very clingy. It is heartbreaking but I know he is fine 5 minutes after I have gone and really enjoys nursery. He has been alot better the last couple of weeks but I have just put it down to the change in room / different staff although he had been going to visit new room for about 6 weeks before the actual move date.

I would give your LO a bit more time to settle before taking him out.

Can you meet up with friends more regularly?

DS1 found it quite hard to socialise when he was this age. We started going to a good toddler group and he's got more confident as he's got older.

He might be making it up, he might not, but if you're not 100% sure he's happy, best to take him somewhere you can stay with him and help him to interact with other children.

Are there any groups in your area like Tumble Tots where you have a "focus" rather than "random play and mums chatting" which can be daunting if you're worried about striking up conversation with strangers.

Either something has happened which makes him not want to go, or the novelty has worn off and he has realised he would rather be with you at home. Is there anyone else who could take him? If he is fine with them then you know it is for your benefit and most children go through that.
I have taken my DD out of 2 places so I do know where you are coming from and again she only went for the socialisation side and to get used to being away from me.