Is this normal?

[Chrissyho]

My son is now nearly 11 months and has recently started nursery. At the beginning, of course, he had a rough time but the staff were lovely and he seems to be OK now. Still cries a bit when I leave him, but quickly settles.

Yesterday I went to pick him up and they told me he has not eaten. He only had his milk (which I provide). I know a lot of nurseries encourage babies to start eating on their own and do not help them and my son still needs help with eating on his own but surely if they saw that he is not picking up food, they would HELP HIM?!! I don't think they do. I was nearly in tears thinking he went hungry, as he is such a gourmand baby - he would eat all the time.

They actually once asked me "is your little one not eating on his own? Do you not give him finger food?!" Ummm..no... I felt a bit like they were telling me what to do.

I do give him pieces of toast which I break into little pieces but I do not give him a whole slice of bread as he would literally stuff it all into his mouth and choke. I actually did try and this happened! I am unhappy they do not give him food since I am paying for them to give him his meals! For me, the most important thing is that he is being fed and not that he turns into some kind of genius who knows how to eat on his own with spoon and fork etc.
At home, he is such a good eater and would eat anything. Literally, there is nothing that he doesn't like.

Also, what is the policy with changing nappies? Since he goes there, he comes home with a red sore bum and it looks sooo painful. I told them to use Sudocrem which they do, but maybe they leave him to sleep with his poo. I can't think how else he gets this sore and red.

The other thing that I was upset about was that when I took him home, I ran into a bit of traffic and these 2 drivers in front of me were having an argument and they kept all traffic from moving. I rolled my window down and shouted at them to move on. My little one got so scared, he was trembling literally and started crying and shaking. Now, I am not saying someone shouted at him, but maybe, just maybe something happened? Am I paranoid? I can't think why else he would react like this?
I want to discuss some of these points with the nursery but I do not want to come across as a pushy mother or whatever.

Ok, 3 very different issues I would say here.

The nappy: They should have a record of how often and when he is changed. Both the nurseries I have worked in had a sheet where each child had their name, time of nappy change, wet or soiled and was cream applied. Our rule was no more than 3 hours since the last change, and we used our common sense so obviously a poo was changed straight away and if the nappy was full we did it sooner). You should ask to see the records - do you get a feedback sheet with the nappy changes on? We used to give this in the feedback sheet daily to all children under 3.

Please don’t go assuming that they put a child to sleep soiled. I’ve had people assume this before and it’s actually quite insulting and upsetting and demonstrates a lack of trust (in which case you need to really think about your child options).
Sadly, it’s a possibility. But there are several possibilities. Do you give them wipes or do you use their own? He could be reacting to a different baby wipe (often the cheapest wipes available due to budget). It could be that they need to change a bit more frequently, and you can request this. Are you providing your own Sudocrem? I would assume you were, and maybe provide a stronger cream too. Is he teething? Is the nursery food containing something that’s causing an upset stomach? Does he potentially have an intolerance? Nappy rash can appear despite all the efforts to avoid it. Investigate before assuming he was put to bed dirty. We used to put everyone in a fresh nappy before bed. Likewise? We would get them up and realise they had pooed while asleep but the smell hadn’t been strong enough to detect.
Ask for the nappy changing records first and explain. Don’t get worked up that they aren’t caring for him properly when actually there is a strong chance of logical explanation.

The food:
If a baby needs feeding then they should have been fed, but I certainly witnessed babies go the day barely touching their food.
Did they say he had been upset? Had it affected him? I would say that he needs to be fed still and you would like someone to feed him manually so to speak. There’s no harm in requesting this and say you are working on self feeding but obviously at the moment he can’t judge his quantities well enough so he needs help. Put this in writing, or ask for a chat with the manager and calmly express your concerns. A good nursery will listen to you, and yes they should be supporting the babies eat, particularly the younger babies. But also clarify if they tried to feed him and he turned his nose up, or whether he was having to pick it himself.

The last thing with the shouting:
I think to be honest that is your paranoia. Nurseries can be very loud places due to people volume (in amount and sound!) and have lots going on so very stimulating and over stimulating. They can be stressful for a baby but not because they are seeing lots of bad shouting, but however calm you try to make them, they’re crazy places!
Don’t underestimate how much a baby can sense your worry and stress, you were yelling out of a car window, others shouting and it gave him a fright. I don’t think your last point is what you need to worry about and focus on.

Take a very big breath. You are a new mum who is new to nursery, and you clearly have a lot of worries. Go in calmly, ask for a proper chat / meeting with the manager to discuss your concerns. All guns blazing, you will come across as a pushy mum. But you don’t need to be because your concerns are legitimate, and I know from my decade of nursery experience they can be resolved. Your nursery should listen to you, and you have the right to make your requests I.e nappy and food issues.

I hope it goes ok!

Thank you for taking time to reply.
I wrote an email to the nursery (without the shouting concern bit! :)) and they replied that it must have been a one off day and that he ate everything yesterday. I am not sure whether this is because they insisted more, but they said that he ATE EVERYTHING. Which obviously resonates with what we are used to at home.
They do give me a notebook with everything that he has done that day and apparently his nappy is changed by the clock at 3pm. Yesterday I found him asleep and when I took him to the car, I noticed that he was pooed again, so he must have gone to sleep with a poo again. Nevertheless, he was not sore at all, so they must have checked him more regularly.
I am a first time mother and I have a lot of concerns when leaving him in the care of others. Not just the nursery, To be honest, apart from his key worker (who seems to have disappeared for the last 2 weeks), all staff are amazing.

You are right, I will try and keep an open mind, Thanks for taking the time to reply! x

Without meaning to sound harsh, I would say it is unusual for an 11 month old to not be able to feed themself at all. The NHS recommends finger foods from 6m. You won’t be able to spoon feed him forever, he will have to learn to eat bigger pieces at some point. If he did actually choke (silent, going blue, needed you to hit him on the back to dislodge the food trapped in his throat) I can totally understand your anxiety. However if he was coughing and gagging this is different and a normal phase in learning to eat - babies have to learn to chew the food and swallow it which is strange at first. The gagging phase doesnt last long. I would recommend giving him some soft finger foods alongside whatever you’re spoon feeding him. Of course nursery should help him if necessary, but this will give him the skills to help himself as well. Incidentally my daughter barely ate the first few weeks at the childminder, so I think it is partially settling in.

I’m sure no one is leaving him deliberately in poo while he sleeps, it may have happened by mistake so maybe just ask them to ch3ck him before putting him down for a nap.

I don't work with under 2s but have on the odd occasion, this doesn't seem right, if they need support with a basic need such as feeding they should be getting this support. I still help the 2 year olds if they need it. With regards to the shouting, he might have picked up on your anxiety which upset him.
Re nappy we change 3 times per day routinely no longer than 3 hours between changes soiled nappies are changed immediately. Some children have a routine time they poo so we are hot on checking them. Every setting has their own policy maybe look at their policy. Our under 3s get a feedback form.