2 year old starting nursery - need advice please

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This ended up being long sorry don't want to drip feed.

My son was 2 in November and we decided to put him in nursery two half days a week this term for several reasons

• he has issues with food, been under a dietician for CMPA and dietician is very concerned about his extremely limited diet. Hoping eating with other kids will help this
• his speech is slightly behind, not massively concerned as he's ahead physically so this is normal but being around other kids would help
• he currently goes to my mum the three days I work and she has a lot of medical problems that can make getting about difficult when it's flared up
• he doesn't spend anywhere near enough time around other kids and needs time to play with kids his age

My mum was vehemently against it and frankly has made my life hell about this for months.

Settling in sessions went brilliantly. DS cared not at all about being left. Screaming when we made him leave.

His first week was last week and it went horrifically. He screamed on being left and took upwards of an hour to settle each time. However, ate all his meals and snacks - never happens at home - and did join in playing. He's missed this week as he ended up being ill at the weekend and on Monday so 48 hour rule.

He's also been EXTREMELY clingy and petrified of going anywhere since he went to nursery which is not like him at all.

My mum is now laying into me saying all the research says not to send two year olds to nursery and it's really bad for his development, confidence and happiness. They should go from 3.5 years old apparently and being left now will have absolutely no benefits for him.

I suppose I'm just feeling really lost now. Are we doing the right thing? Is there really research saying that we should wait until 3? What's everyone else's experience in this situation?

I'm feeling horrendously guilty and heartbroken over his reactions last week and my confident cheeky little boy is now so clingy and scared.

The research shows no such thing. Emily Oster's book cribsheet has a bit on it.

Tbh the conflict with your mum is probably something he's picking up on, I'd get her to butt out or not see her so much while he settles.

Plenty of kids go from six months, in the US lots of kids are in daycare from a few months old, so long as they're well cared for, it's fine.

Our mothers often didn't have the option of good daycare so they have a 'I had to struggle, so should you' attitude!

Until very recently, young children were left in prams outside or playpens because running a house was harder, babies have never had 100% of mother's attention.

Don't feel guilty! Being a good mum doesn't mean doing every single thing yourself.

Your mum is wrong. Ignore her, she’s clearly got her own agenda.
He will settle, he just needs time, it’s a big change but that doesn’t mean it’s not a good thing just because he finds it hard to start with.

We are currently exploring childcare for our DD, DH wants to be SAHD but I am worried about socialisation once she is 2 so will likely look at pre-school or nursery from then onwards. Babies don’t need socialisation but toddlers definitely benefit.

The research does not show this. Your mum is completely wrong.
Just give it time. It's a big change for everyone.

Thank you for this. Honestly it's on my mind 24/7 since that first day went so horribly wrong.

I've been reading all sorts of stuff about confident high energy kids loving nursery and quiet shy kids hating it. My DS is both of those things depending on the day lol.

The way he's been clingy since that first day is really heartbreaking. But he's also been ill with a temperature and a cold. So it could also be that contributing.

Argh I'm just totally overanalysing and no idea where my head is it - I am really sick too so not helping

Your mother needs to back off.

He’ll honestly be fine, some children take longer to settle at nursery, but the teachers there are well versed in it, and will know how to comfort him and encourage him to get involved in the activities/meals etc (which it sounds like he loves!).
I’m sure being clingy is just a reaction to the change, and he’ll gradually get better the note used to nursery he gets. My DCs have had clingy phases and they’re horrid to get through, but they do pass.
What do the nursery teachers say?
Your DM is clearly desperate to get him back, and making you feel guilty to try and achieve that. Please don’t, you’re doing this to try and help him develop and become well rounded. Stick to your guns!

I had the exact same problem, my DD turned 2 in October and started nursery in December. She was alright the first couple of day but after that she would cry when you woke her up to get ready, cling onto me as soon as she seen the nursery and scream when I was leaving. Same thing happened at home too if we tried taking her anywhere she would automatically think she was getting ready to go back and would get really upset. It was getting so bad she was having night terrors too. We did end up taking her out as she just changed completely and I couldn't sit to see her getting so upset.

You need to keep him going. If you give up now, he will remember and you will find it even harder to get him to go to school / pre-school. Also, your DM is chatting shit - go low contact with her and don’t share anything until he has started to enjoy nursery.

If he was ill at weekend he may have been under par the rest of the week. Do the staff try to engage abd distract him?

We had similar with ds. Took him out. Started a year later and sailed in from day 1 with no issue whatsoever.

His key worker had made a point of sticking by him both days to help him settle as her two other children there are very settled and calm. She's got a video to show me - I didn't pick him up on his last day last week - that apparently shows him happy and playing. They get him talking about the things he's into and even went and got a toy truck from outside that he got attached to on his settling in sessions.

They've said it took about an hour for full sniffling and crying to stop and he jumped every time the door went for an hour or two but was definitely settling in better after that.

Unfortunately going low contact with my dm isn't an option as she looks after our dogs whilst we work and we're having to move in with them temporarily in the next month or so (our house has sold and for a quick sale we have to move out before we can move into our new house).

@Rainbowbabymummy that sounds exactly like my son so far. I'm dreading that this is going to be what happens to him

It took me ages to finally decide to take her out but I'm so glad I did, I spoke to the health visitor and another nursery about it and they advised me to just try again once she is 3. Hope everything goes well for you ♥️x