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Original poster

pls help, 3 yr old vomiting every morning at nursery

26 replies

Arv147 · 14/10/2019 10:50

Hi everyone, I'd really appreciate some advice on this.
My 3yr old daughter started nursery a few weeks ago. She's not coping with the morning drop offs - once shes in shes happy and leaves happy.
But every morning its a real struggle to drop her off without her vomiting everywhere - she says mummy I dont want to go and gets herself in a crying fit which leads to her vomiting everywhere. When I drop her, I have 5yr daughter with me and 20 month old and with their school bags/lunches etc - my hands are full!

The nursery have said that I need to clean her up after she vomits (not a problem at all, happy to do so and make sure shes ok obviously before going). My problem is though if she sees the trend of her vomiting and mummy rushing back to clean her up etc she will obviously continue to vomit. This has been happening since the start of sept.
I've tried speaking to the staff about another way of making her transition easier - but they've said it's her personality and she'll get over it eventually.
Obviously it's very upsetting for me to see this happen every morning - I don't see it getting any better with me returning all the time to clean her up, it's just prolonging the drop off/anxiety for my daughter.

I dont know my stuff otherwise I'd like to challenge the staff at the nursery to do more - their priority is to make sure that I clean her up before I leave because quite honestly they look grossed out by the vomit and they're not really helping me with finding a solution.

Any help I'd really appreciate Sad

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blue25 · 14/10/2019 10:57

Well the poor staff obviously don’t want to be cleaning up her vomit every day! Surely you don’t expect them to. Have you never left your daughter before with family etc. to get her used to being away from you?

Perhaps you could stay with her until she settles at an activity and then leave when she’s distracted.

InDubiousBattle · 14/10/2019 11:00

You need to remove her from the nursery. Is it one attached to a school? Of course drop offs can be difficult but screaming until she's sick for weeks on end is just awful. The staff sound utterly awful too.

thisisthetime · 14/10/2019 11:09

That sounds like an awful experience for both you and her. Does she need to be at nursery? If so, then you have two choices, either you persevere and hope that they are right or you look for another nursery or maybe a childminder would work better for her?

If she doesn’t need to be there I’d be inclined to either take her out or drop her off after you have dropped your older child at school and stay with her until she is comfortable. It’s annoying and time consuming (I’ve been there) but she will know you have her back and may become less anxious.

PretzelPrincess · 14/10/2019 11:15

My DS did this and it was really distressing but the nursery were really supportive. They took some advice from a child psychologist that they work closely with and we came up with a plan.
I basically dropped him off at the door and didn't prolong that drop off. They also made buckets available where he could vomit and I had one in the car. There was one at the gate of the nursery, one at the main door and one in his room in a certain area.
If he was going to vomit there was a place to do it, it minimised the fuss and negative attention he got by doing it. And he stopped really quickly. They also advised to just not talk about it but really praise the positive behaviour.

They shouldn't be asking you to come back to clean it up though. If you are there already then yes if you want to you can clean up to help soothe him etc. But shouldn't feel compelled.

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/10/2019 11:15

Things might be better if you got your DP or another friend / relative to drop her off. She’s probably only becoming hysterical because you’re leaving with the youngest. If getting someone else isn’t feasible then you need to find strategies to stop her getting hysterical - I used bribery and am not ashamed of it. If DC stopped crying they got a few chocolate buttons or smarties etc

Quellium · 14/10/2019 11:17

I wouldn't keep her at that nursery. Do you have to? Poor little thing. They should have a transition plan or action plan in place by now if she's getting this distressed.

I'm all for the 'drop and run, they'll be fine', but this goes way beyond that and she isn't fine.

Original poster
Arv147 · 14/10/2019 11:18

Hi blue25 thanks for your reply.
Of course I don't expect them to be cleaning up her vomit every day - but they've only ever done so once. It's not a lot of vomit (I have a bin that I give her to use so most of it goes in there anyway). I don't think she would keep on vomiting if she knew that mummy wont be coming back to clean me up.
The vomiting is currently acting as an incentive to more mummy time and delaying nursery.

OP posts:
OohthatlovelyNigelfromBabyClub · 14/10/2019 11:24

Imagine leaving a child covered in vomit while they wait for you to come and clean her up. That is dire.

Original poster
Arv147 · 14/10/2019 11:51

GrumpyHoonMain

I tried bribery, said I'll take her to soft play at the end of the week which I did but I guess I'm now thinking the rewards needs to be more immediate.

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Original poster
Arv147 · 14/10/2019 11:59

PretzelPrincess

That's what I thought. They have enough staff there to distract her or to take her away and clean her up - esp since they can see I have 2 other little ones. I'm guessing that if she sees that vomiting doesnt bring mummy back then she might not do it anymore. It is something I would like for the nursery to at least try and see if it makes a difference. I have a parent meeting coming up for my 5yr old, I'm going to try and raise it then.

I'm not sure if I'm making unreasonable requests though - they have other children to deal with too, is it too much for me to ask that one member of staff focuses their time on her for about a week just in the mornings. If she can find comfort in one person in the nursery every morning, the consistency might help...Sad

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Mummyshark2018 · 14/10/2019 11:59

Can you drop your 5 year old at school first so you have once less to look after. Can you show your dc how well big sib goes to school- see if that helps? Do you think dc feels they are the other children are spending time with mummy and they aren't?
What about a transitional you for them to hold on to?

Original poster
Arv147 · 14/10/2019 12:04

thisisthetime

I don't have anyone else I can ask. My husbands at work, it's just me and the kids.
I tried dropping older child off first and that made things worse - it prolonged the anxiety.
Not sure if it'd be possible to stay in the classroom with her but I have baby on me anyway so that might be difficult.

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Original poster
Arv147 · 14/10/2019 12:06

InDubiousBattle

Yes it's attached to a school. My daughter goes there and they are usually very good. One of the best in the borough some people claim. That's why I'm upset about how they are dealing with this. My elder child didnt have this problem - she was fine settling in.

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RolytheRhino · 14/10/2019 12:07

Does she have to go? If not, I'd just keep her off a bit longer and try again after Christmas with a very gradual start.

Original poster
Arv147 · 14/10/2019 12:09

Quellium

That's why I've finally signed up to mumsnet for advice from you guys. I would have thought the school would have put in place an intervention of some sort. I'm sure she's not the first 3 yr old to have this issue - why can't they offer me some more support SadSadSadSad

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 14/10/2019 12:15

I think the fact that they are insisting you come and clean up the poor child's vomit says a lot about them. I would move nursery asap. Never heard of a nursery or school doing this!

Original poster
Arv147 · 14/10/2019 12:16

RolytheRhino

Not sure if she'll lose her place.
Also, might that make things worse - Christmas not long away now and I fear not much will change and also might send the wrong message to her where she feels her vomiting and screaming has gotten more time with mummy at home..

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MustardScreams · 14/10/2019 12:18

Get a new nursery! Jesus that is awful. Good nurseries would be doing everything they can to help you in this situation, and not calling you back to clear up.

Original poster
Arv147 · 14/10/2019 12:20

Thanks bobstersmum

I did think it was a bit strange given that they are a nursery and I'm sure vomiting, weeing etc is all part of the it.

I mean they would clean her up if I was long gone, I guess it's because they know I'm still around dropping off my other child, they quickly grab me. But I really wish they could deal with it so that she can quickly settle. I mean if she can see that they are caring and kind like mummy it wouldn't be so bad/scarey to stay..

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Rickytickytembo · 14/10/2019 12:26

Really like PretzelPrincess's suggestion. Minimal fuss, let's get on with the day. Especially as it sounds like your daughter is happy once she gets there. Do you think nursery would be willing to try? Really need them on board.

RolytheRhino · 14/10/2019 12:27

Also, might that make things worse - Christmas not long away now and I fear not much will change and also might send the wrong message to her where she feels her vomiting and screaming has gotten more time with mummy at home..

She might just not be ready. I doubt she's vomiting on demand in order to be manipulative tbh. I think she's getting herself into a state because she's made it up into such a big thing in her mind, so personally I would leave it until after Christmas to give some distance from that mental block and in the interim do a lot of prep work- books about first days at school, that CBBC show about first days at school and days at nursery, encouraging her to strike out on her own at toddler groups etc, leaving her with relatives and family friends for short periods, then do lots and lots of settling in sessions with you there, probably at a private day nursery rather than a school one (IME school ones are much tougher and no-nonsense, which doesn't work for all kids)... But, ultimately, you know your child best so do whatever you think will work for her.

ClemDanFango · 14/10/2019 12:55

I’m a nursery practitioner and think you should find a new nursery or at least speak ask to see the FS lead and get her perspective on a way forward.
Are they actually leaving her covered in vomit until you come back and clean her up?!!! If so thats completely unacceptable, how awful for your DD to have to wait like that, when you choose to work with small children part of the job is cleaning up unpleasant bodily fluids, it’s not nice but you deal with it. What will they do if she wets or poo’s herself? Leave her sitting in it until you come and change her?
You’re also absolutely correct that this will be feeding the behaviour and making her think puking will mean you come back because it does!
I’d seriously think about removing her if the FS lead can’t offer a better solution than the classroom staff.

lisag1969 · 14/10/2019 12:55

Please remove her from this nursery.
I am a childminder. I is normal for children to get stressed but she is really upset to get herself in this state.
She should then be cuddled by the staff and made to feel safe and welcome.
If she doesn't feel a connection with any of them she will never feel safe and happy.
Also if the can't put on some rubber gloves to clear up some sick, then they shouldn't work with children.
Find her somewhere she feels happy and safe and is not made to feel a burden.

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/10/2019 13:28

I’m guessing it’s a nursery attached to a school - they often are stricter than private nurseries. Many even insist on children being potty trained before they join.

PrincessScarlett · 14/10/2019 13:38

You say you wish that one member of staff would focus on her so she can settle. Does she not have a key worker? Her key worker should be forming a bond with her and making her feel secure.

That is dreadful if you have left the nursery, she is sick and they are chasing after you to clean her up. It is not pleasant but dealing with vomit is part and parcel of working with children. The staff, particularly her key worker, should be making more effort to help her settle.